OLD BLOG ENTRIES
110103
I guess I'm kind of keeping a photoblog now - sad and trendy (yeah,
like 6 months ago maybe) though that is... Click photos below and then
click on the cell phone.
102503
New photo gallery up in the photo section below - all pics from my new
cell phone. Some in there of me skateboarding and lots of assorted
crap. I plan on updating it quite regularly since I've always got my
phone with me and find myself snapping shots often.
Start work again on Monday. Decided to put Shiny
on the back burners for a while. Partly for financial reasons, partly
because I was beginning to go a bit stir crazy working from home. I'll
say no more than that I'm going to be starting work for a very large
hospital in Chicago and that I'm really, really fucking excited about
the position. Radness.
101103
Made some minor modifications to my phone theme this morning. In case you're not lucky enough to own one of the splendid phones that supports the theme - here are some pictures of what it looks like: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
I haven't seen Kill Bill yet but this is how I see it in my head.
101003
OK, I pulled my thumb out ("Of what?" you may ask...) and put a nav item in the photos section (below) for the new pictures. Not for the camera phone section yet. Still got to decide how that one's going to work.
As an aside, I've started skateboarding again. Bought this deck a few weeks ago and have been going up to the local skate park every morning. We (Brandon and I) try to get there by 9:00A and then be gone by 11:00A. All of the local, young skate rats start showing up around then and we're intimidated by how much better they are than us.
No serious injuries yet (though I did catch the deck in my snotlocker the other day and it bled a lot) and I'm having an awesome time with it all. Maybe I'll start taking pictures up there and have a section of those?
100903
So, there are some new pictures up (that have been up for about a month now) in the photo section but you can't see them because I haven't put a nav link in yet. To make up for that, I'll tell you about my new phone and give you a present.
My new phone is the Sony Ericsson T616 and I love it. It has a color screen and a camera and it is my new best friend. I'm thinking about putting up a section somewhere just to put the pictures up in, since they'll be going up sporadically. Maybe I'll replace the webcam section with it.
Anyway, if you also have a Sony Ericsson T616 or even a Sony Ericsson T610, then here's a theme I made! It looks a bit like this site and should make your phone a happier place to be. I know I like it. Try it out and let me know what you think.
092403
I just switched hosts! There's some other stuff too but I won't go into it. I wouldn't want to bore you...
072803
There are new photos up in the photo section - had a wild weekend of cycling and camping. Excellent times. I also got a 100lb punching bag and stand off a chum, set it up on the porch. Very cathartic way to get exercise.
On another note, a couple of weeks ago a few friends and I made some commericals for Winterfresh and it looks like one of them will be airing nationally starting next week!!! They picked this one - this is the other one. Shoot me an email if you see either of them on TV.
071803
OK, so I've decided I'd like to write more... so I thought it would be a good idea to do some silly writing exercises before I jump back in - you know, just to get the juices flowing a bit and to train my hand to not get writer's cramp every five minutes (I do *real* writing pen to paper, weird, right?). Anyway, here's Writing Exercise #1, if you read it and have any kind of comment on it whatsoever, feel free to let me know about it.
*Warning* story is short, in PDF format, and quite gory.
071703
Here's a tiny picture of me standing with little Marmite. 
Here's one of me riding my bike. 
070603
Holy FUCK! It has been what, like 4 months since I updated this site? I'm an awful parent. I feel like I'm letting my toddler out of the closet under the stairs after a week. I meant it as a punishment of some sort to begin with, then I just forget about them and the TV was too loud so it drowned out the scratching and mewling.
What have I been up to? Not a lot, how about yourself?
I say not a lot but here are two pretty significant things that prove that to be untrue:
I decided to quit my job and start a company! It is going pretty well but not well enough to make me a millionaire. Thinking about doing it nights and weekends whilst working at a *real* job again. Altering my five year plan accordingly.
Keri and I are getting married! I tricked her into it with drugs. Got her all doped up and took her to a Mexican restaurant - I had hidden the ring in the salsa section of the salsa/chip sombrero that the salsa/chip midget wears. It was SO romantic.
Keri built the site...
030203
Went to an excellent party at a friend's place last night and had a weird intersection of my interwebben life and my real life - someone that had read this site in the past, that I had an abbreviated email rapport with, was at the party and recognized me.
Claudine, it was very nice to meet you; sorry if I seemed weird - I was pretty drunk and the whole thing blew my mind a little.
It also led me to analyze things a bit, which in turn led to the rather startling realization that I have a more fully developed social life online than I do offline. Which isn't to say that my *real life* is somehow lacking or malnourished, just that I spend a great deal of time in front of a computer. And that a lot of that time is spent on IM, emails, community sites, and general contact with the world at large. I don't think I'm alone in this phenomena - am I?
I like it.
I've lived online since late '94 when I discovered IRC - and haven't looked back since. All of my jobs have been internet-related and most of my *real life* friends were either met through online things, or have some kind of connection to interwebben geekery.
And before you write me off as some kind of weirdo recluse that plays D&D and goes to anime conventions - that's not what I'm talking about. I mean, the people I've met, I've met becuase I was building websites for them or met them at design events.
Whatever, I'm going to stop now... I'm trying to make myself seem less weird, lying to myself perhaps, but I don't think it is working. Think I'll go for a walk outside now.
022803
Guess it has been a while... things that have happened:
- Daniel G. Harmann came to visit (see photos section for *new* pictures!)
- I've taken up bird-watching
- Something huge has been bubbling up and is close to fruition
Paying attention to the world around you is kind of nice; so I bought a field guide type book, read it, and am now able to identify most of the birds I see on my way to the train in the mornings.
Things are good. There's still a huge, dark cloud of uncertainty hanging over a certain overseas part of my life that I love very much - kind of a 'suck it and see' type situation though.
The *huge* thing I was talking about has nothing to do with birds or dark clouds... I'll tell you more about it when it comes to life, writhing on the floor in a puddle of placenta and happiness.
013103 - addendum
Since I knew none of you would go to the trouble of making that picture into a desktop background, I went ahead and did it for you. Umm, your boss just called me and told me that he wanted you to use it and that if you didn't he'd fire you.
013103
Here is an absolutely enormous picture of me - large enough to be suitable for printing and using as some sort of poster.
Large enough for you to save it, trim it down a bit, and use it as your desktop background.
Large enough to zoom right in on one of my nostrils and have happy little dreams about living inside it.
Large enough to where if you look very closely at the eyes, you can see that I'm not in fact human - rather some kind of highly advanced, blog writing, bike riding, cat stroking, heavy drinking, Keri loving robot.
Large enough to where you can trace the happiness I've had over the many years of my life in every crease of laugh line around my eyes.
012703
Giant things are made tiny by distance. Emotional, physical, whatever...
012003
I got some earth-shatteringly bad news mid last week from England - as a result I think I'll probably be updating the site a bit less frequently - it all seems a bit pointless, y'know? I'm being forced to re-evaluate my life plans, not the most delightful scenario.
If you're the person (all singing, all dancing...) that sent me the long and interesting email from my site without a return email address, please email me again, that was cool.
Riding the Chicago El at night is a completely unique and altogether pleasurable experience. As the El is "El"evated you end up cruising along at eye-level with people's apartment and house windows - at night this affords you brief glances into other people's lives. *Flash* - someone in pajamas bending over to get milk out of the fridge. *Flash* - a couple watching TV with vacant stares. *Flash* - an empty apartment, a cat perched on the window ledge - watching the train go past. *Flash* - a man in a suit getting home from work.
Every person and every apartment with its own little story, some interesting, some mundane, all left for the El rider/voyeur to fill in with their imaginations.
I've ordered some absinthe that should arrive later this week. Planning on having an 'absinthe night' at my place, perhaps this weekend. Expect photos.
011503
Chicago has turned into a frigid Siberian wasteland, wind-burned and horrible. The wind is bitterly cold. It feels like someone throwing a bag of nails at your face and it is beginning to take its toll on me. Big hunks of my skin are falling off and the little of it that remains is dry and crackly and painful.
I'm almost beginning to miss the sweat-drenched, too humid Summer - never thought I'd say that.
011303
I've noticed a frightening trend of late. As the weather gets colder and colder in Chicago (as it is wont to do at this time of year) I'm seeing more and more women (some might refer to them as 'trixies') out and about sporting big, silly, floppy, furry, goofy hats.
Now, I'm as fashion forward and progressive as the next guy but I'm not of the school of thought that believes these hats look good on people. I'm more of the school of thought that is inclined to snicker behind pursed lips as these people pass me on the frozen sidewalks of my neighborhood, looking like some kind of bastard child of JayKay (of Jamiroquai fame) and Blossom (of looking stupid wearing floppy hats fame...)
011103
I got the letter this week telling me when my naturalization interview is: March 10th. So long as I don't screw it up too much in the interview, I've got a good chance of being made into a fresh, sparkly American shortly thereafter. Some things that were suggested that might make the interview a bit more entertaining:
• Turn up wearing a shirt with a big union jack on it.
• Turn up wearing a shirt with a big maple leaf on it.
• Turn up with a long printed list of, "You might be a redneck if..." statements on it, only have 'redneck' crossed out and write 'American citizen' above it.
You might be a redneck American citizen if your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
You might be a redneck American citizen if you've ever been too drunk to fish.
• Ask, very earnestly, when I get my 'Terrorist Stomping' license.
011003
There's a sign in someone's apartment window that I can see from the train; near the Belmont "L" stop. The sign reads "Paul, have a great day at work! I love you, Kathy". It warms the cockles of my heart every morning - in my mind, I'm Paul and Keri is Kathy and the sign is just one more little reminder of how much she cares about me.
Because... you know, if you could see into our apartment from the "L" I know that Keri would do something similarly sweet. She's sweet like that.
I just spent the last half an hour dragging masses and masses of poorly written garbage over from my old Tripod-hosted Remote Controlled Marc. I put it in my blog archive. Some of it is pretty funny, go read it if you don't believe me. Try not to judge me for some of the warped, stupid opinions I held back then. Judge me instead for the warped, stupid opinions I hold now.
010703
I was reminded last night (by a friend doing it to me) of the intrinsic humor of calling someone and leaving an unbelievably long and rambling message on their voicemail or answering machine. The trick is to keep the message just interesting and lucid enough to keep the receiver of the message listening through to the very end, sucking as many useful minutes out of their day as is humanly possible - after all, what are friends for if not for frittering away your time? (in a good way...)
So, yeah, for today's entry I'm going to try to bring the humor of this age-old jape to the internet. Feel free to email me and let me know where you stopped reading... (unless it was at the end of the first paragraph, in which case you won't have seen the bit about emailing me about where you left off...)
Today was a damnably fine day during which I used the word, "damnably" on more than one occasion. One of those occasions was when my new boss let me know that I was going to be doing some ColdFusion coding; something I haven't done in a number of years but something that I enjoy quite a lot. I mean, I say, *enjoy* when really I mean, *don't hate a lot* - let's not kid ourselves here, work can be alright but there are still things I'd rather be doing... like sitting on a beach somewhere, drinking fruity, tropical drinks and having my feet rubbed by a midget wearing those little gloves that midgets can get that have the nubby bumps on them that make footrubs feel that much better. Yeah, gloves like that only oily... oiled up with some kind of sweetly scented oil... ooh, can't you just feel it? Something cold and citrusy sliding down your throat and the tingly footrub sensation and the sun on your skin and a faint breeze that carries the faint, sweet smell of oiled midget into your nose... sounds like paradise to me.
Someone emailed me from my site today (I call it *fan mail* but it normally consists of insults, ha ha ha) and I wrote back that I appreciated them writing to me because sometimes it feels like I'm talking to myself when I write crap up here. Just now though I guess I realized that this is a good thing. If I didn't feel like I was talking to myself I probably wouldn't write things about midgets. Not that I've got anything against midgets or that anything I said about midgets could really be construed as sizist (sizeist? I don't fucking know...) or bigoted; just that, you know, it isn't right to single people out for a physical trait in this day and age. Despite that, I still do it all the time in my internal dialogue (my internal dialogue is often very lively and almost always includes very colorful [colorful like a drunk sailor, not like a butterfly] language). Like I'll meet someone that is short and my internal dialogue will make note of said new acquaintance's shortness. Or someone I meet might be taller than average and my internal dialogue (hereafter known as "the voices") might make note of that too. I think that is a fairly natural thing to do. Shit, maybe the overly PC amongst us are in the wrong. Perhaps we shouldn't stifle the urge to call someone short or identify someone as, "you know, that guy with the really big ass and the crooked teeth..." To be human is to be intrinsically flawed - to deny those flaws can only lead to trouble.
Look at the masturbating bear on Late Night with Conan O'Brien... they try to chain him up and put mitts on him but he *always* finds a way to get those big paws of his into his diaper. Oftentimes causing some sort of hilarious ruckus in the process.
With people it is like that, only instead of causing a hilarious ruckus it generally turns out much uglier and people get shot and stuff...
Speaking of people being ugly (on the inside now, silly, we've gone over the other shit already...) I noticed something about England while I was there: there is a perpetual air of latent violence. Everywhere I went I felt like I was mere moments away from a huge brawl breaking out or some angry fuck with a chip on his shoulder coming up and breaking my nose with his forehead. I hated it.
I mean, I guess when you're a teenager and you live in it, it becomes a part of you're everyday life and you don't really notice it. I used to get in fights as a 'lad' and it was no big deal. There were a couple of almost fights this Christmas though and they left me feeling quite introspective and odd. I guess I'm just old now.
I think it is different in America because you don't know who has a gun. In England you can go out, pick a fight with someone (or a group of someones) and you know the worst that is going to happen is that you're going to get the shit panned out of you. Here, you go into a bar and pick a fight and someone is liable to go out to their car (or down the back of their pants if they're gangsta stylee) and get their gun and shoot you. Then you're dead. Threat of mutual destruction, like the whole nuclear arms thing with the cold war - I think it is excellent. Actually, come to think of it, one of the only times I've even been close to a fight in the States, someone did indeed pull a gun out of their waistband and hold it to my head. I backed down very, very quickly and assumed the standard 'frightened rabbit' posture. It turned out to not be a real gun (it looked very, very real though... the guy thought he was being funny, I just thought he was a cunt) but for the 48 seconds that I thought it was real and thought that I might die I was very sad and very sorry for having testicles and testosterone and violent impulses.
I'd ramble on more but I suddenly got bored and Keri's home now and she brought wine home. I like wine and I like Keri, you might say I'm something of a wine and Keri enthusiast... a wine and Keri lover perhaps... one that believes the world would be a better place if only everyone carried guns, had midgets to rub their feet, and was able to indulge in a bit of wine and Keri every once in a great while. (that wasn't an invitation to get with my woman, go find you're own Keri... jerk.)
P.S. - I don't carry or own a gun (I don't trust my coordination skills, I'd have accidentally shot myself within a day of purchase) and I've never had a midget rub my feet...
010603
It still feels weird typing 03.
So... my new job is north of where I live, on Montrose. My old job was south, down on Monroe in the Loop. As a result my commute is a lot more pleasant.
On my way home today, my train, stopped at a station, was even with a train going the other way, also stopped at the station. I had a whole car to myself, the people in the train opposite were pressed up against the glass, crammed in like small, oily fish.
Before I realized what was happening I had a huge shit-eating grin on my face and was meeting people's eyes in the other train. My eyes were laughing at them.
I now feel pretty bad about the whole thing.
Marc Needham is a bad person.
010403
Hooray for 2003!
Hooray for being sick (I am...)
Hooray for (most of) my pictures from England being up. Click on the photo section below to check them out.
123102
Back from England now... had an absolutely outstanding time - balanced lovely time with the family nicely with being shit-faced drunk.
The theme of the trip was "People masturbating in men's bathrooms": it happened twice, once in a pub in Bridgewater (a mentally handicapped man going at it frantically in a stall), once in the Tate Modern in London (a creepy, hopefully mentally handicapped man going at it whilst standing at the urinal two down from mine - a wholly unpleasant experience - one that would have resulted in great violence from me had I not been so convince that the man was mentally ill in some way - one that also resulted in my witty little Brother saying, "It was probably an installation piece" when I related the tale).
Tons of photographs that will undoubtedly go up later this week; holding off on putting them up yet as there is a *lost* disk of pictures that I'm hoping will surface soon.
Got a new computer on my return to the Americas. Having a new computer makes everything in life seem happier and shinier. I love my new computer and feel only a slight twinge of guilt about my old one - slipping out of my heavy, long-term relationship with her like it was some kind of cheap one night stand wherein I quietly put on my clothes in the bathroom and leave before she wakes up.
BUT MY NEW ONE IS SO HOT!
Have you ever been to England?
Do you like English chips? You know, the fat hunks of potato deep-fried to golden perfection, doused in malt vinegar and salt, steam puthering out of the paper bundle handed to you across a stainless steel counter...
I'm thinking it would be great to open a chip shop over here. I've lived in the states for nearly 10 years now and haven't found anyone, anywhere in America that is capable of making chips that taste even remotely like English ones. Maybe the oil used to fry the ones in England is illegal here or something. Maybe it is oil extracted from baby seals or something.
I'll have to look into that one.
Sorry to ramble but my thoughts aren't really connecting on account of some lingering jetlag (I'm going to be using that excuse for weeks to come... ha ha ha)
New Year's tonight... Looking forward to some heavy drinking. Also looking forward to a brilliant year in front of me, one so jam-packed with potential happiness and excellence that it threatens to burst at its seams.
Resolutions, I hear you ask... yeah, I've got a few; some of them are private (like that one about me finally doing something about that horrible bedwetting problem I've got) but here are some of the ones that aren't:
’ Start some kind of business, maybe a chip shop, maybe a web usability consultancy
’ Get more exercise
’ Buy some kind of property to live in, a house or a condo or just anything that I can start pissing capital in the general direction of
’ Stop binge drinking at weekends (I mean, not completely, just curtail it a bit)
’ Learn to make self invisible at will and use the power to fight crime with
There are more but I've forgotten them. I like to make lots of grand resolutions, that way at least a few of them will stick. What is it they say? You've got to shoot for the stars if you want to fly with the turkeys on the other side of the fence? Yeah, that's right.
Marmite has a great capacity for mischief.
121302
Well, I'm all packed up and ready to head off to moister, greener climes now. Hope everyone has a splendid holiday season (regardless of your faith, or lack thereof) and comes out the other side of it a little bit older, a little bit wiser, and a little bit happier.
Here's a picture to entertain you while I'm gone. I stole it from here.
121002
I just accidentally stabbed Marmite in the face with a fork... I had a Petit Filous (they sell them at Binny's, I'm training for my England trip) but had to eat it with a fork because all of the spoons are dirty (dishwasher is running now to remedy that situation). Anyway, I thought the cats might enjoy some; I've got two cats so that meant seperating the remains of the Petit Filous between the container (for Frank to lick) and the fork (for Marmite to lick) - Marmite got a little too excited and curious and ran into the pointy end of the fork. Face first.
Frank was fine with it (more Petit Filous for him) but Marmite spent a good minute or two licking his lips and hiding under the coffee table looking hurt and scared.
Speaking of faces, I was riding the train (brown line) back from work tonight and caught my reflection in the window (a lie: I was actually staring at myself and had been for a good long time - not in a vain way, just in a kind of "there's nothing else to look at while I think" way) and noticed my nose. I then decided that I really like my nose.
I am now one step closer to liking myself as a person.
(also a lie: I think I'm the shit... the bee's knees if you will)
I'm pretty.
I'm also off to England for two weeks starting this Friday. I can't wait to see my family and eat real chips.
120802
This is what I did on Friday night.
Saturday saw me wandering up and down Michigan avenue doing a little bit of Christfest shopping. It was pretty rough - I think it would have been completely impossible without the heavy drinking that took place beforehand.
Speaking of Michigan ave. and tastelessness... is Chicago the last city in the world where a person can wear fur? There were dozens of people out wearing it on Saturday: proving once again that money does NOT buy taste.
120402
Thanksgiving was an excellent time, what with the violently excessive orgies of food and booze and lazing around. I wish we could all live like that forever without the ugly consequences.
So... just less than three full weeks of being unemployed - starting from zero, no resume, no contacts, no idea what to do next - and I start my new job today.
I KNOW!!!
I'm going to be doing Project Management (hopefully leaning towards some assistant Creative Director type stuff) for a web dev shop. Again, not mentioning the name because of what happened to Dooce.
I think I'm really excited right now but it is pretty early in the morning and it might just be gas.
P.S. - a few people expressed interest in that geocaching thing I was talking about a few weeks ago. I went out and had a wander around and couldn't find anywhere that I could leave said cache without it being too easily discovered - damn this city life, every square inch of ground is used. That, and I'm lazy.
112702
Since I have nothing interesting to say, I will present you instead with someone that does: Exhibit A.
The following was taken (without permission) from The Morning News
Question: Im vegetarian. Can you recommend a good alternative Thanksgiving meal?
Answer: How about a slice of humble pie, you fucking Communist.
112102
Haiku Thursday:
thanksgiving is nigh
no turkey for me this year
vegetarian
no, seriously
please don't worry about me
yams and pie are fine
looking forward to:
food coma, Playstation 2
let's not forget booze
celebrating what?
Christ reborn holiday, right?
no... that is Easter
got new jeans today
low-rise so my ass hangs out
check out my booty
quick nod of helmet
hello to other riders
sharing path AND fun
teal gore-tex comfy
more so than blue not gore-tex
ride through bitter cold
cozy and neoprene
my winter cycling booties
protect my scared toes
111902
I saw David Schwimmer in my local Kinko's last night.
He was buying highlighters. I was thoroughly underwhelmed.
111802
Further evidence that dog people are weird:
Today on my bike ride I saw a woman walking a dog. She had just finished scooping one of her dog's steaming loads into a plastic bag. A plastic bag that she then proceeded to put in her JACKET POCKET!!!
I don't know if she was keeping a sample for some bizarre collection she's got, I don't know if she was just saving it until there was a garbage can. Either way, eww.
111602
How's my weekend going so far?
(more pics)
111502
Three cool t-shirts, a stack of resumes, and a filling. These were all things I received today. The filling thing wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I had steeled myself for all kinds of hideous, blood-spatteringly, painful goings on - turned out to be nothing like that.
I've got a sock management problem.
When I rode my bike to work, I'd wear two pairs of socks a day, one for the riding, one for the not riding. This worked out fine, except for the fact that I had a small number of pairs of socks that I enjoyed wearing, perhaps 15 pairs. This meant I had to do laundry at least once a week; something I, at the time, saw as a major inconvenience. I would trek up and down the stairs to the laundry room cursing my low sock count.
Then I decided to do something about it. I went out and bought a dozen new pairs of socks.
I've always got lots of socks to wear now... but...
Well, now I'm going a good couple of weeks between doing a load of laundry and that's a lot of clothes. Which means a heavier basket to carry up and down the stairs. It also means that I'm running out of other clothes before doing laundry. Like shirts.
This in turn forces me to wear things I wouldn't normally. Items of clothing that hide in the back of my closet. Items of clothing that belong hidden in the back of my closet.
I'm thinking about throwing some of my new socks away.
Progress: fuck that.
111402
Haiku Thursday... my offerings aren't that special that week, but come on, give me a break, I've got a lot on my plate right now, no?
thanks to quitting job
free time and AM drinking
don't miss work at all
today's big question:
bike ride or watch DVDs?
maybe stay in bed?
usability
folks paid 150 an hour
think I've found new job
riding bike to work
was a great way to start day
sleeping late: more good
man walked past window
wearing black pants and white socks
ha ha ha ha ha
I went back to the dentist today (exam yesterday, cleaning today, cavity being filled tomorrow...) and the dental hygienist said that my dental hygiene is so good that she really didn't have anything to do. I think she was kind of pissed off. I feel good about myself. Well, my teethy bits anyway.
111303
First off, massive thanks to the most excellent Kristen for passing my resume around a bit.
So... last night I was walking back from Dominick's (which wasn't closed forever thanks to a strike, *phew*) with some beer and sundries when a car next to me blipped. It was a newish Camaro and its lights flashed like someone had locked or unlocked the doors with a remote thingy. Odd thing was - there was nobody anywhere near the car.
I didn't think too much of it until I was about four cars past it where I see this guy in a suit looking completely perplexed next to a different Camaro. He was scratching his head and hopping from foot to foot and looking at the car like it had just run over his pet monkey or something. He's just about to stick the key in the door when I corrected him, "I think your car is just there..." and raised my beer-carrying hand to point in the general direction of the other, beeping, flashing Camaro. "DUDE! They're like exactly the same car!" he laughed.
I laughed too. Then I went home and got drunk!
Ha ha, as I was typing this a phone solicitor called up to tell me about a sale at some furniture place. I told him I was a zen minimalist and didn't believe in *owning* things. He said something about me owning a phone and then hung up on me.
Phone sales people are the highlight of my day most days.
Except for today... because today I went to the dentist (quickfast before my insurance runs out [end of December]). I paid them $100 (I KNOW! That's with insurance too...) to pump my face full of radiation and scrape at my teeth. I had one cavity; which the dentist said was remarkable considering I hadn't been to the dentist in 8 years before today. I credit good breeding, regular brushing and flossing, avoidance of things sticky and sweet, and an army of small robots that I employ to crawl around my mouth at night scrubbing things.
111202
Today is my last day of work - once more unto the breach!
Here is my resume - pass it along to all of your friends. Tell them I need a cool job.
111102
Here are a couple of pictures of a pyramid we built at a sausage fest going away party for a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago. 1, 2.
111102
OK, an idea: would anyone be interested in forming something of a non-GPS-unit-owning geocaching group in Chicago? I could run off and hide a package of goodies (fun stuff < $5) and then either post or email clues that would lead someone to it. That person then takes the goodies, rehides them, and posts or emails clues to someone else.
Could be lots of fun... good excuse to get off your ass, maybe explore bits of the city you wouldn't otherwise.
Email me if you're interested. If more than three people email me then I'll go out and hide the first pack this weekend.
110702
It has been quite the week... I'll let Haiku Thursday skim over the important bits:
quit my crappy job
shit! wait, I didn't mean it!
countdown to ramen
the grass is greener?
I hope so. I'll find out soon.
I'm so fucking dumb
tootsie pop wrapper
got indian/star combo
good luck? free sucker?
buca di beppo
yummy for dinner last night
peeling paint with breath
Mum in town this week
brought me lots of English snacks
Monster Munch kicks ass!
no cycling this week
feel lumpy and out of sorts
must be an addict
people on the el
oh god, please stop touching me
I'm trying to read
standing room only
smelly and cramped cattle car
I hate riding you
110402
My hyper-cool Mum is visiting me from England for the week. She brought me:
Monster Munch
Jelly Babies
Cadbury's Buttons
I love my Mum.
110102
Simple pleasure this morning:
Riding through a brightly-colored, crackly pile of leaves on my bike with the crisp Autumn sun dappling my face with puddles of warmth.
Simple displeasure this morning:
Waking up with a level four hangover that wanted me dead - then taking said hangover out into the cold wind for a bike ride.
103102
I opened a store!!! Go there and buy a thong for yourself or your fine, fine lady.
Here are some Haiku Thursday haikus:
sharp pins in apples
poisoned Snickers bars for you
bah fucking humbug
candy rots your teeth
you are better off with drugs
no, seriously
after lunch coma
Halloweeny sleepy sleep
no candy, just beer
bumper sticker says:
"I would rather be sailing"
yeah, no shit. Me too.
caught a fucking cold
drippy nose and stuffed up head
makes cycling less fun
winter cycling tights
so stretchy, black, and shiny
make cycling more fun
penny fight at work
paperclip just missed my eye
revisit grade two
103002
Download and enjoy!
102902
I'm coming down with something and it is making me miserable. I guess it could just be the six solid days of drinking finally catching up with me - either way; it sucks.
102802
Here's a list of the fun and wonderful things I did over the weekend while Jess and Jason were here. Not so much for you to look at and be jealous about; more for me to look at and remember the fun (no pictures were taken the whole weekend!!!):
• Rode Halloween Critical Mass!
• Got drunk a lot.
• Went to a friend's place (whilst drunk) and took turns beating the crap out of his punching bag at 4:00 in the morning.
• Watched my new favorite movie.
• Chased an attempted murderer.
• Saw the Liars, Prosaics, and the utterly outstanding Yeah Yeah Yeahs at the Empty Bottle.
• Got busted by a family as I was coming out of an elevator in Watertower Place with my pants down. My pants were down because the elevators were glass and Keri and Jess happened to be in the other one - mooning: not just for second graders anymore.
• Stumbled across a super-hipster secret Halloween party. Crashed said party.
• Saw Minus the Bear, The Velvet Teen, The Exit, and the mindblowingly fantastic Pretty Girls Make Graves at the Fireside.
• Hung out with said bands after the show because Jess and Jason knew people in most of the bands.
102702 addendum
Shaolin Soccer is the best movie I have ever seen. It is tough to find but I urge ("... urge...?") you to make the effort.
*Marc wanders off to update his Five Favorite Films list...*
102702
Our pals Jess and Jason are in town from Seattle for the weekend. Just thought I'd better pop in and relate an exciting story so that I don't forget to do it later...
Last night we were wandering around down in the Loop, just aimlessly sightseeing, when three people ran past. A man in a big parka, followed by a woman, followed by a yuppie-ish guy on his cell phone. The guy on the cell phone was saying something like, "Yeah, now we're running down Lake..."
As they ran past the man in the parka (that was leading the chase) bumped into Keri, "Excuse me." he said, "I'm sorry." she said.
I've got something of a curious streak so I thought it might be interesting to follow the threesome and see what was going on. I chased after them.
About a block further down the guy in the parka kind of disappeared; I think he might have gone up the L - the yuppie guy managed to chase down the woman and I managed to catch up to them both. The woman was visibly upset, "I didn't do nothing! I didn't do nothing!" the yuppie was off the cell phone now and said, "Yes you did, I saw you both, I saw you with that guy!" At this the woman ran off again - the cell phone yuppie guy sprung at her and bouced her off the wall and onto the ground. At this point a security guard came out of Marshall Fields and dragged the guy off the girl. I hung around to hear the story.
Turned out that the parka guy and the woman had been in a cab as yuppie guy walked past. Parka guy had pulled a knife and tried to stab the cab driver, yuppie guy intervened or raised some alarm or something and gave chase.
Umm, what was the point of the story? I don't know... we went and got really drunk and had a great time afterwards though.
102502
I just had a small bag of peanut M&Ms and there were NO green ones. I'm quite upset about the whole thing. I've got this weird OCD thing I do where I eat them one color at a time, eating the red ones last and the green ones second from last.
What am I supposed to do if there aren't any green ones?
*Marc gazes forlornly at the bag of M&Ms on his desk, wishing he could eat the red ones left behind...*
Who loves love?
Marc loves love.
102402 addendum
Every Thursday there's this thing called Haiku Thursday were a friend of mine collates haikus from a bunch of people then emails them out again. I figured I might as well post one or two of mine here every week. Because haikus are fun.
having fingerprints
taken by the Gov. today
Go citizenship!
wind and rain and bike
mix pretty damn well together
bike path less crowded
bought giant dildo
piece of halloween costume
don't think clerk bought that
102402
I was a thumb sucker when I was a kid. I sucked my thumb from birth to, I don't know, probably nine years old. It was a pretty serious problem, I developed an overbite and my thumb angled into my mouth and gave me buck teeth. My parents were about to invest in orthodontics and were pretty desperate to get me to stop - they tried a number of different techniques - the worst of which was the dreaded bitter nail polish. I used to spend the first twenty minutes after going to bed grimacing and licking the foul tasting shit off my thumbnail; all so I could have that comforting suckle.
Why am I telling you this?
Because I came to something of a realization last night: thumb sucking was my first addiction. My OCD training wheels.
Thumb sucking paved the way for a lifetime of oral fixation, addictive behavior, and dependency on things outside my self.
On some level that's really funny.
Anyway...
It was cold and windy this morning when I was riding in this morning. Very cold and very windy. As a result of the ferocious winds, the lake (Michigan) was whipped into a frothing, rolling frenzy. Breakers were smashing twenty feet into the air off the concrete lake embankments; the rising sun glinting a bright, fiery orange through the gray-green water.
The howling winds sealed me off in a loud, painful, beautiful world - me, my bike, excruciating physical effort, and mind-blowing natural splendor - that's how every day should begin.
Oh wait, that's how every day does begin.
102302
Tomorrow I have my appointment to be fingerprinted by the government - as is part of the application process when applying to become an citizen of the United States. All kinds of shit is going to turn up and I'll probably end up being deported. Great.
Last night I was reading the new McSweeney's (not sure what my opinion of Dave Eggers is at the moment, I'll think about it and get back to you on that one) and there was a story/essay titled something like, "Three Meditations on Death" and I read it and it made me think a lot about Kaia and the idea of people close to me dying and it ended up making me quite sad.
I had thought (in the past) that I was just cool with the idea of death - now it turns out I'm just really good at repression; something that will come as no surprise to anyone that knows me. Ha ha ha.
101902
Hooray! The redesign is done. Use the contact form to let me know what you think of it.
I'm going to go have a shower now.
101702
Here's a story I forgot to tell, from about a month ago:
A few of us were out at some bar or another and someone in our party (Kim, I think...) thought it might be funny if they slid a quarter down the back of my shirt. A few short moments later the thought was turned into plan which was turned into action - the quarter was down my back. I shook my shirt a little bit to try to get it out and did a quick sweep of my back with my hand to get it out. I couldn't find it, maybe it slid into my pants and fell out the bottom of my pantleg? Maybe it fell out before it reached my pants? Whatever, all I knew was that it wasn't up my shirt and there was still drinking left to do.
Later that evening, after returning home, I retired to bed. I sleep naked.
I sleep naked. If there was quarter to be found it would have been found when I disrobed and fell into bed, right? Riiight...
The next morning I woke up and the quarter was clenched in my fist! I have no idea how it got there and I'm not really sure I want to know.
From a fortune cookie I had today: "You will be fortunate in the opportunities presented to you." I wish life were like that one Simpsons episode where Homer wrote all of the fortune cookies.
Here's a haiku I wrote about the shit I'm going through with the redesign right now:
cross-browser bullshit
makes me want to pull out hair
just hair. not my own.
101602
Almost there with the redesign... thank fuck for that. Just the portfolio section and some cross browser shit to take care of and I can finally rest. And by *rest* I mean *start working on the massive backlog of personal projects I've got clinging to my pooper*
So, I'm slowly coming to the realization that good taste in music has very little to do with good taste in music. It is more to do with exposure. Once exposed to good music, most people will like good music - if all you do is listen to a Clear Channel radio station and watch MTV there's a good chance you're going to like crap music.
101202
OK, yeah, still on Vicodin, still up coding and farting around. What's my problem? I don't have a problem! You've got a problem! Fucking square... heh. Just kidding.
Toying with the idea of being a bit more open with the whole blogging thing this time around. I've been keeping a blog with some degree of regularity for about 5 years now and I don't feel like I've ever really opened up. I feel like I'm being to guarded with the whole thing. What do I have to hide? Who cares if my boss or my Mum reads that I had a wank last night? I know I shouldn't...
But I do.
Who am I kidding? This shit is going to stay the same. Same arms-length bullshit that I've been spewing out for ages; same arms-length bullshit that I'll keep spewing out forever and ever. That's probably why people grow to hate me.
No, it's fine, I've heard the whispers... seen you looking at me sideways, I know it all. What, you thought I didn't know about you and the shaving cream? You thought I believed that line you fed me about "seeing someone run off just before I got there" when you STILL HAD FUCKING FOAM ON YOUR HANDS AND THE CAN WAS POKING OUT OF THE FUCKING BUSH????
Did I mention that I took a Vicodin earlier? Man, this shit is great...
Umm... guess I'd better stop now before I get too carried away.
Because I haven't already, ha ha ha...
101102
Taking a Vicodin and trying to write some code. On a Friday night no less. I can't tell if that is fucking hilarious or really sad.
Don't get me wrong... I don't have a problem with *drugs* - I just happened to have a Vicodin laying around, happened to have a headache, and happened to want to work on my website.
I guess this counts as the first entry on my new blog... fuck me, I should have some champagne or something. Brilliant stuff! Quite pleased with the way the site is turning out thus far, like building a house or something, watching the walls go up and putting carpet down and paint up and all of that good stuff.
Anyway, yeah. Vicodin is fine by me.
101102
So, the bike commute is fun (what with the racing of everyone else on the bike path [with or without their knowledge, heh] and the overwhelming happiness that washes over me when I've got a bike saddle under my ass) but I've come up with an idea to make it EVEN MORE FUN!
I was riding home last night and I went past a guy that looked pretty fast (you can tell who some of the fast ones are because they shave their legs, have bumpy calves, and wear a lot of lycra). I was quite tempted to tap him on the shoulder, say, "You're it!", and then streak off.
What could be cooler than that? I'd fucking love it if someone tried to start an impromptu game of bike tag with me. I spent the rest of the ride rolling the idea around in my head and couldn't come up with any sticking points. Worst comes to worst, someone doesn't want to play and doesn't chase me.
Did I tell you guys about the time I tried to challenge a couple of bike cops to a race?
I've got a problem...
101002
Something fun to do this weekend:
Go into a restaurant or store (preferably independently owned) and explain to them that 10 years ago you had something of a heroin problem and were kind of messed up. Then explain that in said "messed up" state you had come into the restaurant or store and stolen their tip jar or an item of value forwith to fund your next "score".
Then go on to explain how utterly horrible you feel about the whole thing and how it would make you feel a lot better if they would take the $10 that you are now holding out in your quivering hand. (at this point extend your hand with a $10 bill in it).
Sure, this one will cost you $10 and it might not be really funny or anything but it WILL test your ability to lie - something we could all do with a bit more practice at.
100902
So, I'm going to tell a little story now that is going to make me sound like some kind of fucked up pervert. I'd like to remind everyone, before I start said story, that I am neither fucked up, nor a pervert.
... Anyway... a couple of chums and I were out lunching earlier today (around lunchtime obviously) when we came across a couple that seemed to be in the midst of ending their relationship (close stance; moist eyes; guilty expression on the man's face; &c...) Being the horrible, lecherous, emotion vulture that I am, I thought it would be "neat" to sit down within earshot of said couple and listen to their pain.
How wrong was I?
The rest of my (and my lunching pals') lunchtime was spent following the couple around a few blocks getting more and more wrapped up in the soap opera that unfolded. There were tears, there were sad glances, there was even a point where they parted and walked in opposite directions for a block before the girl turned around and ran (ran!!!) back to her spurned (spurning?) lover.
I felt pretty dirty when I got back to the office and was tempted to have a Silkwood style wash in one of the sinks. Of course I didn't because then I would have gotten my clothes all wet...
In other news: most afternoons I pop downstairs to grab myself a Diet Pepsi Twist from the convenience store in my building - it helps break up the afternoon and the caffeine makes the new, smaller afternoon pieces that much easier to deal with. So, yeah, down in this convenience store they've got these strings of scratch-off lottery tickets on the wall, lots of them. One time, maybe 3 weeks ago, I bought one because I'm still under the mistaken impression that making "ironic" purchases makes me cool in some way. So, I bought one - it cost $1, I was all like, "Ha ha, maybe I'll win a million dollars (despite the fact that you could only win up to $3000 with this particular ticket) and can walk into my boss' office and leave a curly stinker on his desk... ha ha" But then when I scratched it off it turned out that I had won $10!
$10!
I had taken my $1 and magically, with a few deft flicks of my wrist, turned it into $10!
I was excited for a little while. Then a few days later I bought another one. Of course that second ticket didn't win anything. Neither did the one after that. Neither did the one after that.
So, now, every time I go down to buy my afternoon pop - I see them there, staring at me with their squirrels and their roulette wheels and their comically exaggerated dollar signs, begging me to buy them, to take a coin to their hard surfaces and flake my way to free money.
I'm trying hard to stop...
In other other news: the redesign of this site (this site that you're looking at now!!) is coming along slowly but surely. I'm going to pin November 1st as a rough target release date. Who knows, maybe I'll finish it before then. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just forget about the whole thing. Maybe I'll win that million dollars and just post a big picture of the curly stinker on my boss' desk.
100502
Life... man, life fucking sucks.
I can sit around now for hours on end and think about all the stuff I've done in this life already, all of the people I've met and the places I've been, all of the love and happiness, all of the pain and unpleasantness... I can look back at it all and it makes me sad.
Why sad?
Sad because I know there are people I'll never see again and places I'll never visit again.
Then that sadness is compounded by the thought that there's still plenty of life (fingers crossed?) stretching out in front of me. Plenty of time to meet new people, experience new things and new places. A whole new batch of things to miss.
100402
Something fun to do this weekend:
Go out dressed in weird clothes (maybe an outfit liberally decorated with foil, maybe just normal clothes three sizes too small...) and run up to random strangers with a frantic, alarmed expression on your face. Grab them by the arm and say, "Quickly! What year is it!?" and see how they react.
092702
Today is the day that my good friend, Daniel G. Harmann, casts off the oppressive shackles of the workaday world. He's living the dream - dropping out to become a rock star. I wish him nothing but luck and happiness.
Visit his site, listen to some of his good music, send him an encouraging note.
Let his trailblazing spirit and profound bravery be an inspiration to the rest of us drones.
P.S. - The webzine I helped out with (first issue) is up now - No East.
092602
My mate Ben gets here tomorrow afternoon, flying all the way from England with his girlfriend, just to come see me. I'm that cool.
Expect some pics up or something on Monday or Tuesday.
(or an "I'm writing this from a jail cell" blog update...)
092402
It is a bit cooler out these days which means I am slowly but surely putting some distance between myself and the "that sweaty bike guy" moniker at the office.
This is my new favorite place in the world.
092302
I spent the weekend in a hotel in Indiana (Radisson, Merrilville) attending Keri's Grandmother's funeral. Though the funeral was a sad (but personal and uplifting at the same time) affair I noticed something whilst wandering the halls of the hotel.
Times I heard people having sex: 2
Times I heard people fighting: 1
This means that love is winning!
Hooray for love!
091902
I bought some new trousers. Corduroy trousers. More specifically, low-rise corduroy trousers. I really like them but I feel funny wearing them. It feels like my ass is hanging out. Probably because my ass is hanging out.
What are you staring at? You never seen an ass crack before?
091702
Last night I sent off my citizenship application. I could very well be a "real" American within the year. How fucking crazy would that be?
091502
Hilarious cat-related incident of the day:
There was a spider in the bathtub this (hung over, sleepy) morning - Keri pointed it out to me shortly after I had finished brushing my teeth. Keri and I are both deathly afraid of spiders so it seemed like a very good thing when Marmite hopped into the tub (he spends a lot of time in there, rolling around, being stroked, sleeping, whatever). Instead of playing with, killing, and ultimately eating the spider as we had hoped he would, he simply lay down next to it. Right next to it. Then he started to roll around. Then the spider was swept up onto Marmite's bum.
*note - this is all second hand information - I refused to go into the bathroom at this point.
Keri and I thought it would be best to lock the new spider/cat hybrid in the bathroom until Marmite did the right thing and ingested his new passenger. Of course, since the bathroom door isn't made of glass (actually wood and paint) we didn't know whether or not the cat had vanquished the 8-legged beasty. Ultimately we had to let Marmite out of the bathroom (he started to meow at the door) at which point the afore mentioned hilarity ensued.
We both figured the spider was still on Marmite and so went to great lengths to avoid having him touching us. Hopping up on furniture, running away, making various "shoo" noises...
... yeah, I guess it is one of those things where you really have to see it for it to be funny. Never mind.
091402
I've been riding my bike up and down the lakeshore bike path for about a year now. I'm pretty fast and as a result I've only been passed (and unable to catch) or dropped three times. Two of those times were by recumbent bikes.
Now I'm curious about recumbents - are they really fast?
I want to try one out but I'm too concerned about my "image" and my "rep" and my "street cred". Oh well.
091102
Went to the memorial/anniversary service for 9/11 today in Daley plaza. The whole thing was pretty somber - especially the three minutes of silence. I got all introspective and sad and was tearing up a little bit when I looked up and noticed the sign language woman (who had, a moment before, been interpreting Gary Sinise's words into sign) "talking" during the silence. She had her head bowed and every ten seconds or so she'd look up and make a short, wild gesture. The whole thing seemed really absurd and I wanted to laugh; then I realized she was signing the peals of the bell. I went back to being sad and introspective at that point.
Why Gary Sinise?
090902
My redesign trigger finger is twitching for this page. Getting so very sick of the layout and the blue and the little scrolly bit for this... To sate myself a little bit, I updated the Micro Portfolio section below. Phew, that's better.
Also, The Marc Needham Tattoo Project is running into something of a glitch - I'm drawing closer to the conclusion that I don't really want another tattoo. I mean, I want another tattoo but I'm just not sure about it. Tattoos are the kind of thing you want to be sure about.
It would almost be worth not going through with it just to piss people off, ha ha. Got tons of traffic to the page and I'm sure one or two people will check back to see what I got come October.
Thinking instead about getting a skull ring (similar to Keith Richards') and wearing that all the time instead of a tattoo.
090402
I'm developing a Bomber Man II addiction that is slowly, but surely, replacing my Internet addiction. When I got home from work I used to hop on the computer and fart around online for an hour or so - now I head straight for the NES emulator on my Dreamcast. I'm a pathetic loser. Heh.
090302
I had a long and very involved dream about shaving my legs on Sunday night. Not sure what that was about. I'm thinking (hoping) it was something to do with cycling - on Friday night we went on Critical Mass - the guy that was up front with the walkie-talkie refused to go on the highway. Two of my friends and I really wanted to go on the highway so we cut to the front and hijacked the mass: straight onto I-90/94. It took a lot of screaming but it was totally worth it.
083002
There is a Sharper Image store just down the street from my office - I needed a new umbrella a few days ago so I figured I'd stop in, dragging a few of my lunch cohorts (a little crew of us that go to lunch together...) with me. Their umbrellas were crap but they had an amazing massage chair that we all took turns in. Long turns. The chair is amazing, it massages your whole body (including an unbelievable calf massaging contraption) and leaves you feeling floaty. So amazing is the chair that we've all been back every day since for a massage, four days running now. The people that work in Sharper Image know what we're up to, despite our assertions that we're, "saving up to buy one and just need to make sure we're doing the right thing..."
I now can't imagine facing an afternoon of work without my lunchtime massage.
In other news, a commercial for Winterfresh gum that I shot (and kind of directed) with some friends last weekend will be shown on national TV starting next week. It is the "Freshmen" one, keep your eyes peeled for it.
082702
I'm suddenly very afraid to shake hands with people at work. I mean, the opportunity to shake hands with people here doesn't arise very often but I'm concerned that if someone was to want to shake my hand I'd jump back in alarm and eye their hand suspiciously. What if their hands are the ones that were sloshing around in the urinal?
Someone (Ryan) suggested that I knock the cake back into the urinal (thus fulfilling the yearning that every urinal cake holds in its tiny, cherry-scented heart...) and then set up some kind of sting operation wherein I catch the urinal bandit yellow-handed.
I love the idea of leaping out and humiliating a co-worker for doing something repulsive - but the idea of crouching down in the bathroom for what could end up being a full day holds less appeal. I guess the mystery will remain just that.
082602
Vulgar story of the day:
On Friday there was a urinal cake left on top of the urinal - presumably because there wasn't a screen in the urinal to stop it from getting wedged in the pipes as it wore down. This morning I went into the bathroom and found that someone had knocked it into the urinal anyway. I was alarmed but tried not to let it ruin my day. Well, it is lunchtime now and apparently it had bothered someone else - a quick trip to the bathroom revealed the fact that someone has reached into the urinal and retrieved the urinal cake. It now sits (slightly worn) back on top of the urinal.
We don't have maintenance workers around, there are no rubber gloves anywhere in the office that I know of... why would someone do this???
082402
What was the point in that? (in posting about running away from home and then not updating for a few days...) I was hoping some people might think I had actually run away from home. That would have been funny.
I've been informed since my last post that when 'grown-ups' do it, it is called *taking a powder* - which sounds kind of cool. Don't think I'll be doing it anytime soon, but it sounds kind of cool.
082202
There were few times when I was a little kid (around the age of 10) where the idea of running away from home seemed like a good one. I got as far as packing a bag once. The plan was to ride my bike off into the country (we lived on the line where suburb meets rural in Calgary) and set up a tent to live in. Common sense and fear stopped me from doing it every time.
My life feels like a bit of a mess recently and I'm having the same kind of feelings again. A weird pulling sensation in my gut. Common sense and fear are holding me in place again. Can grown-ups run away from home?
Who'd have thunk that being a grown-up is just as sucky as being a kid?
081902
Spent a portion of the weekend working on a new personal project, click the link above to check it out.
081802
I think all of you (male and female) should go down to your local Glamor Shots and have your picture taken. Then I think that you should all take those Glamor Shots and send them to me.
081502
For the first time since junior high I've got an enemy - someone to hate, someone to topple like so much Jenga.
I know nothing about the guy except the kind of bike he rides and the kind of backpack he wears, the only two identifying marks that I need. I see him at least once a day on the lakeshore bike path. He thinks he can beat me.
As I may have mentioned in the past; I have made something of a habit of subtly challenging other riders to races during my commute (how: ride past really fast, glare as you pass, then slow to just a bit faster than their pace - see if they bite). This guy bites every time and he's pretty quick. I haven't had any off days recently but I think if I did, he could probably take me.
Until then I'll just admire his *pluck* and chuckle to myself as he falls off my back wheel.
-Also-
It is really nasty to be in the bathroom at work when someone else is having a loud poo.
081302
I don't generally post referrer shit up in here - but yesterday someone came to my site via Google after searching for "I'm a dirty transsexual and here's my dirty story"
Needless to say, I'm not a transsexual. Anymore.
081202
Hey, people in bands - when you play a show, some people might want to buy buttons. They're cheap to make and they give your fans something fun to take home and pin onto their bag.
What's that you say? But you already have t-shirts and posters and CDs for sale? Yeah, well, if I bought a $10 t-shirt at every show that I went to then I wouldn't be able to afford to go to as many shows. And I already have your CD. And I ran out of wall space ages ago.
Shoot me an email if you need someone to make your buttons for you... I've got the hook-up.
080802
You know what pisses me off? People that spell hamster 'h-a-m-p-s-t-e-r' and people that pronounce height "heighth". And people that bring babies to any restaurant that isn't Chuck E. Cheese's or McDonald's.
080602
So much is wasted. Sometimes I'll write someone an email that I think is really witty or touching or deep - and then I'll send that email and those amazing thoughts are lost forever. People might read them once and then they are discarded, forgotten forever.
How sad that ideas should die.
My life is a tumultuous mess right now. The holiday was nice (such, such fun) but I need another month or so. And some serious therapy. And kittens, the world needs more kittens.
080402
Back from Seattle now. So very, very tired.
The pictures are up.
073002
The bamboo sprig that is now in a vase (empty juice bottle) on my desk doesn't seem to be growing that well. I had heard all of these exciting rumors about bamboo growing up to 2" a day and had a wild vision of a lush, tropical desk - full of pandas wandering around my verdant bamboo thickets.
Sidenote - I don't think I've ever used the word verdant before.
I'm flying to Seattle tomorrow. Hooray. United airlines would charge me $75 (each way - such bastards) to take my bike so I'm not taking it. I'm going to have to do the race on a rental racer that I've never ridden before. I'm pissed.
072502
Today I bought some little bamboo sprigs from a farmer's market in Daley plaza, had far too much sugar, and got way too excited about tomorrow's Critical Mass and next week's Dead Baby!
Hooray for today!
072402
The bottom bracket on my bike was loose this morning and I don't have the tool I needed to fix it - that meant I had to take the train.
I hate the train. So full of horrible* people, writhing all around you, brushing up against you... yuck.
Not just that but I guess I've become addicted to the endorphins that I generate on my morning ride. I'm all drowsy and pissed off this morning whereas normally I'm chipper and full of vim.
*by horrible people, I don't mean that all people are horrible, I'm not like that... I just mean the special breed of asshole that seem to populate my train.
072102
Two lovers entwined pass me by
And heaven knows I'm miserable now
I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I'm miserable now
-Moz
Just came back from a weekend down in Peoria and the drive back made me a little introspective. The highways are crammed with people (myself included) that think they are special or unique in some way (as was evidenced by 'car flair' and smug grins) when there's really nothing special or unique about any one of us.
I'm going to get really drunk sometime this week and come up with a better way.
Today marks the first day of my renewed vegetarianism.
071902
Talk about bike-centricity...
Next Friday is Critical Mass. The Friday after that is the Dead Baby. I booked my plane ticket today. I'm so excited I could (and probably will) pee.
071802
Emotional *turmoil* is beginning to take its toll on me. I'm starting to exhibit OCD-like behaviors and my temper is getting shorter. I'm going to see how long I can go before seeking professional help, an endurance test of sorts - I'll wait until those around me start to complain before caving in.
Should be a wild ride.
Speaking of wild rides, I'm back in bike shape again now. Very fast. Very fast indeed.
071602
So, it looks like my contact form (below) was broken. Oops.
It is fixed now - so you can go back to sending me emails.
071502
Weekends are five days too short.
071202
Two things that feel good when you're riding a bike:
• Blowing past two guys that are wearing fancy racing gear, riding fancy, expensive bikes like they're standing still. Bonus points if they're out on a training run and you're just commuting to work.
• Battling the wind like it is your worst enemy for 1/2 an hour and then finally turning out of it and having it push you along like it is your best friend. Ahh wind, such is the nature of our relationship.
071102
I was riding my bike in this morning and a wave came off the lake and swallowed me whole. I got soaked but I still thought it was tremendously funny.
The decision has been made, I'm growing my hair back out. Within 6 months I'll look like this again:
In between now and then I'll just look like a twat with scruffy hair.
071002
I think I've slowly been working my way towards understanding the meaning of (my) life. Yesterday as I was driving to the airport (to pick Keri up) the sun was setting over the trees and bathing my face in a soft, orange light. A great happiness washed over me. That was when it struck me that if you spend your life surrounding yourself with beauty (spiritual and physical) and happiness then you are leading a perfect life. If you're not, then you're not.
There's lots of other details to the idea that came to me at the same time but I won't bore you with the details.
Chicago is too hot.
070902
I paused my commute briefly this morning to watch some Trixies doing Tai Chi on the lakefront. Though the scene felt contrived and wrong on some level - there was still a nice sense of tranquility watching people move slowly in front of the lake and the fresh, early-morning sun.
070802
Finally got a confirmed date for the Dead Baby. I'll be in Seattle for the weekend of August 2nd. Expect great things. I'm so excited about the race that I am giggling and shaking a bit.
070402
I forgot to wear a belt yesterday. I never realized how useful they are.
Today is the fourth of July and I have no idea what I'm going to do to celebrate my adopted country's independence from my homeland. I feel conflicted, like if I go out and get drunk today then I'm giving up a little part of my Englishness.
070202
I've started writing a new short story - this one centered around a main character that likes to poison people in their sleep - it is going to be an ugly, ugly, hard to read story that most of you will never get to read. Anyway, I was doing research (online) last night about poisons. I was frightened by how easy it was to get all kinds of nasty information, I also found a number of pages devoted solely to teaching people how to kill themselves. How sad.
I've also started riding my bike to work.
Marc is feeling altogether more fulfilled.
062802
Speaking of sinusoidal mood patterns - today is great. Maybe it is my new haircut (see webcam link to the left [I know... it is the first time I've updated the webcam in, like... oh my gawd... for-evar!]), maybe it is the prospect of a riding Critical Mass tonight, maybe it is the music I'm listening to (Senor Coconut), or maybe it is just something in the air. Whatever.
addendum: - ... something, something Taste of Chicago, human filth knee-deep in their own sweat, covered in scraps of half-eaten food...
062702
The air conditioning wasn't working right on the 'L' this morning. By the time I got to work I was little more than a salty puddle with legs.
Sweet Home Chicago my ass, more like Sweaty Humid Home Chicago...
Did I mention my mosquito bites yet? Hehehe
*Marc struggles to think of happy things to write about so that his audience doesn't run away*
Having everyone on the train sweaty and nasty was kind of nice because instead of the usual crush and jostle everyone was disgusted enough by everyone else to respect personal space. A first in my experiences on the train.
062602
It struck me that in the future - long after they've dragged me away to a padded cell and lopped off my frontal lobe - this site and its archives might serve as some kind of documentation of my descent into madness.
... That makes all of the people that read this site sort of passive participants in the whole thing too. You rotten bastards; are you just going to sit there when I so obviously need help?
I'm sorry, I'm bored and sleepy... just messing around.
062502
I was on the train last night and the man next to me yawned. More specifically the man with the horrible, horrible breath sitting next to me yawned right in my face. I almost threw up and then spent some time toying with the idea of punching him.
Went and played golf on Sunday (I KNOW!!! Golf, what the fuck, am I a yuppie now?) and I've decided that there are very few things in life less pleasant than mosquito bites.
I mean, obviously, there are lots of things a lot more unpleasant than mosquito bites - it's just that when you're sitting in an (hot, sweaty) office sweating, and scratching at raw, bleeding, itchy, bumps on your achilles tendon it is hard to think of them.
062202
Why haven't I updated all week? Mainly because my life has taken on a certain 'trainwreck' quality and I've been a bit down in the dumps about it all.
I'd post more about it all but you all know too much about me already ;)
061502
Hehehe, wait for it... wait for it...
061402
A couple of little secrets about Marc and trains:
• If he's standing anywhere near the edge of the platform when the train comes in, he rocks back on his heels. Just in case someone runs up from behind and tries to push him to his death.
• Walking under the "L" tracks as a train is screaming/rumbling/exploding past on them nearly makes him shit his pants. At the very least the noise and violence of it all makes him clench his jaw and his fists. Teeth-grinding and white-knuckled he prays (not to god - he doesn't believe in god...[at least not the conventional Gods of organized religion...]) that the tracks won't collapse onto his head.
Isn't Marc silly? I think he's a little 'imbalanced' - especially so with this whole 3rd person thing he's doing right now. Maybe he should see someone.
061302
How to solicit a reaction from long-silent readers of your web page:
• Announce that you're planning on marrying the woman that you love.
I've got all kinds of stories about diamond buying (it is a lot like buying expensive drugs,) proposals (see photograph section...) and the drunken, bloated happiness that only true love can bring. I'm not that ambitious though - so I'm keeping them to myself.
060802
She said yes!
060702
Daniel G. Harmann, our rock star pal from Seattle is in town for another weekend of sex, drugs, and maybe a museum or a picnic or something. Expect a whole new set of hee-larious pictures to be up by Monday.
As an aside, you know that horrible, empty feeling you get when you're sure you've forgotten something really important. Yeah, that's how I feel right now. It is pissing me off.
060302
Three thoughts/realizations came into my head pretty much simutaneously on my walk home:
• commuter trains in warm weather smell like cologne in the morning and sweat and unpleasantness in the evening.
• opera music sounds really good when it is drifting gently out of an open window on a warm, damp day.
• I am in the midst of a massive crisis of identity - the causes of which are multitude; some known, some hidden. The sooner I solve it the happier I (and everyone that has to deal with me on even a semi-regular basis) will be.
Just thought I'd share.
060102
New quest: to meet the people the write and illustrate the Archie comics.
Questions to ask them:
• Do you actually know anyone named Archie, Reginald, Jughead, Moose, Betty, Veronica, Midge, or Ethel?
• Why is Midge dating Moose, she seems pretty together and he is quite obviously mentally challenged. Is it a sympathy thing?
• What year are the comics set in? One minute Archie is cruising around in his 1930's 'jalopy' the next he's talking about the Internet and the problems with President Bush...
• Why does Archie bother with Veronica OR Betty? One is a stuck up bitch that constantly toys with his emotions and the other is a desperate, shameless dork. He'd be better off with Midge.
• Why is Archie so broke all of the time?
• Why does Reggie always have money? Are his parents rich? Why do we never see his house? Are his parents as rich as the Lodges?
• How does Jughead eat so much? Why isn't he interested in girls? Is he gay? Does he love Archie?
* Note: Yes, I caved and bought an Archie comic when I was grocery shopping the other day.
* Note II: It is 3:30am and I'm drunk.
052802
I've got allergies pretty bad so I sat at work all day with a runny nose and streaming eyes - the worst was on the train on the way home - reading my book and looking, for all intents and purposes, like I was crying my eyes out. How comical a sight I must have been, how the other commuters must have laughed after I stepped off at my stop, wiping my eyes on my sleeve, sniffling big wet sniffles.
There are all of these weird guys downtown (I've run into three so far in less than a month working down there) that get right up in your face so that your bodies together shield their hands as they open them and show you (presumably stolen?) jewelery. I'm hoping one of them, one day soon, will show me something cool, perhaps a pouncing tiger cast in gold and diamonds hanging from a fat gold chain. That would be rad.
052702
After weeks and weeks of making lame 'Spiderman hands' jokes I finally caved in today and went to see it. Special effects fueled fun for the whole family - I give it two (sticky) thumbs up - though it won't be going on my top five list...
052602
Weddings are boring - especially when you don't know most of the people there. Asparagus is tremendously exciting - how many other foods make your pee smell funny? I mean, I don't like smell but I love the novelty of eating a food that can do something like that.
052402
I've decided to change my eating schedule to something more 'English'. From now on lunch will be the main meal of my day and dinner (or tea) will be nothing more than a snack. I think it makes more sense that way. If you eat dinner late (as I am prone to do) then you go to sleep and all the food energy just turns to fat rather than being spent on good things like dancing and running and thinking about ways to solve the mess in the Middle East.
I keep 'spacing out' when I'm filling my water bottle from the water cooler at work. I've over-filled my bottle and spilled water on the floor three times this week alone. Just one of the many clever ways my body reminds me that I need to start getting more sleep.
"... the drones worked hard before they died..."
052302
Word of the day: concatenate.
Songs that are stuck in my head today:
Love Your Money - Daisy Chainsaw
Stormy Weather - Pixies
I'm having something of an internal crisis, I can't decide whether I want to get old yet. I got my hair cut yesterday and as I was walking down the street with my freshly shorn fauxhawk I felt conspicuous - not too unlike the way I felt when I went to a rave with some friends last year.
052202
Favorite phrases of today:
· more fun than a burlap sack full of puppies.
· sexually attracted to fire (c/o the Simpsons)
051702
The second big cat idea (again, not ideas involving big cats, big ideas for little cats...) is a lot less extravagant.
I've noticed that indoor cats gets pretty mopey after a while and am sure that it is mostly due to their inability to connect with the smells and pleasures of roaming outside. So, if you've got a yard, why not build a cat run? Just knock together a frame (20-30'X3'X2') put chicken wire in the sides, clear perspex on top, then hook it up to a cat door and seal the other end. Voila, your cat can now run around outside, eat grass, get fleas, perhaps encounter neighborhood cats and sniff their bums through the fence, bury its poop in real dirt - basically do all of the things that an outdoor cat takes for granted without the unpleasant risks of being eaten by a coyote, kicked by a teenager, or flattened by a car. Hooray for cat runs!
Pygmy Marmosets are cool.
051602
I guess yesterday's entry was a *little* Howard Hughesian, eh? My bad.
I've got some big cat ideas I need to share. That is, they aren't ideas that involve big cats (pumas, lions, cheetahs, and their ilk) they are simply big ideas for little cats (domestic cats...) The first is a giant cat ranch.
When I thought I was going to be a stock option millionaire one of the ways I was going to spend my gobs and gobs of money was as follows:
Buy up thousands of acres (maybe just hundreds) of land in somewhere remote but pleasant, Montana perhaps - then set it up as a collecting place for unwanted cats. So many thousands of cats are killed in animal shelters across the country (Marmite was 2 days away from execution when we found him) and it seems like such a shame. You can't really release them into the wild but what if there was an in-between place. A place that had wide open spaces, plenty of prey, strategically placed watering/feeding stations, and one or two centers where the cats could come when they wanted to hang out with other cats or get some affection from people.
The area would have to be very well fenced but beyond that it really wouldn't take much. All cats would be neutered/spayed before being admitted and everything would be cool.
I don't know - I did some volunteer work at an animal shelter a few years back (OK, it was community service but still...) and they are just such heart-breaking places.
I'll tell you the second idea tomorrow.
051502
I think the daily exposure to the seething, stinking, rotten stream of human traffic I face on the sidewalks is taking its toll on my mental faculties. Case in point - I was *almost* home today when I noticed a fat man jogging (for exercise) towards me. He was drenched in sweat and during the one or two seconds it took him to reach me I had a horrifying daydream/nightmare of a droplet of his sweat breaking free and landing on my lip as he went past.
The vision was so real and so disturbing that when he actually did reach me I feigned interest in a bush and turned my head away from him.
051402
Why not? because I'm lazy, that's why not.
However, I came across a couple of websites that warranted linkage so without further ado:
Today's links:
Fantastic Lemmings-esque game.
Better daily updated site than most. Not quite a blog but hyper-entertaining.
051002
I saw the dead goldfinch on my way to the train again today (doesn't anyone clean these things up?) but it was sunny this morning and the effect just wasn't the same.
My new headphones.
050902
Walking to the train in the overcast greyness this morning something bright yellow caught my eye - it was a small, dead goldfinch seemingly asleep at the pavement's edge. The bright happiness of the little bird in death stood in stark contrast to the dull flatness of the life that surrounded me.
Then I got to work, wrote some code, ate a Frosty® (from Wendy's), and tried not to think about it.
050802 (later)
Yeah, seems like it is more about the shoes. I was a bit sleepy but my code was fine. I did, however, find that I was a lot less apt to shy away from confrontation - bumping people out of the way when they tried to get on the train ahead of me, not getting out of the way when people were in my path on the sidewalk. I guess lack of sleep makes me mean and uncomfortable shoes make me stupid.
050802
Due to circumstances involving a fresh pineapple, a candy bar, and two frisky cats (nothing dirty, I ate the pineapple and the candy bar leaving me with a late-night sugar high - then the cats used my face as a springboard for various astounding feline acrobatic feats through the night) I am at a D-, on the scale where A = bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and F = dreary-eyed and slap-happy.
I'm not going all Bridget Jones on you here (not that I've ever read the book or seen the movie)(OK fine, I've skimmed the book AND seen the movie - that doesn't make me less of a man) I'm merely mentioning this in the interests of furthering study in the field of shoe comfort and hours sleep as they correlate to job satisfaction and performance. Today to work I'm going to wear the most comfortable (but apparently ugly) shoes ever created - my Puma Mostro - then when I get home tonight I'll pop back on and tell everyone how I'm feeling and how my day went.
There, now you've go something to look forward to.
050702
I've discovered that my success and happiness at work depend on two factors: comfortable shoes and a good night's sleep. When I sleep poorly or wear uncomfortable shoes I have a miserable day, my code is sloppy, I forget things... However, when I wear comfortable shoes and/or get a good night's sleep everything is sunny and great. Today was a comfy shoe day.
I think my next major investment will be a decent bed.
Saw on the train today - one more reason not to touch things in public and then lick your fingers - an old homeless guy took off his shoes and socks and proceeded to pick at his grimy, scabby, nasty, nasty feet.
050202
I just can't seem to get used to this "getting up early in the morning" thing. It hurts.
Work is fun - iron butterflys, bear calls, bull puts, calendar spreads, condors, strangles, and straddles are buzzing around my head.
I miss my online friends though. I miss writing long emails to chums and hanging out for too long on Yay! Hooray!
050102
First day of work. Ask me how I feel.
Tired. Thanks for asking.
043002 (later)
I felt guilty after reading my last post and decided to get off my ass and go for a bike ride. I'm so glad I did. Now I'm doing laundry. Pretty interesting eh?
Thought this was a bit gruesome for Popeye.
043002
How did I spend my last day of freedom? A day for which I had penciled in such activities as, "go for one last epic bike ride" and, "get a good chunk of the screenplay written" was ultimately frittered away farting around online. Now I'm sad. And a bit nervous about work tomorrow - it feels like it has been forever since I was last in a work situation. Oh wait, it was.
I forgot to mention it yesterday but Keri and I went to see Life or Something Like it on Friday night. I do feature pretty heavily in the last scene and anyone that has ever met me will be able to recognize me quite easily. But: the movie is crap.
042902
After seven and a half long months I've finally been offered (and accepted) a job! This Wednesday, May 1st, I start my new reign of terror at an online options brokerage down in the loop (details kept to a minimum because of what happened to Dooce...) The whole thing kicks ass and I'm really excited about the road that lays ahead.
Sure, I'll miss the endless hours of web surfing, the leisurely bike rides up and down the lakefront, the mid-afternoon drinking, the long, drunken hours spent stroking a cat, gazing out of a window, crying... I'll miss getting up when I'm done sleeping, I'll miss poking fun at the rest of the world as they trudge off to work in the early morning dusk, I'll miss not showering until ten minutes before Keri is due home.
I think I'm going to miss a lot of you too. You see, a lot of you visit this site because I post funny and entertaining links on a relatively regular basis - I think very few people realize just what a huge amount of time goes into finding those links. Those links are normally the condensation of hours and hours of surfing, digging around the web until I find that one page that makes me say, "People will think this is funny and/or entertaining." sometimes out loud. As I'm going to be gainfully employed from Wednesday onward I won't have those hours to piss away trawling the web for delicious fun - I'll be too busy stoking the fires of the financial markets of the world.
I know this is going to piss some of you off, make some of you sad, to those of you I have this to say: stop being so fucking selfish! Shit, what? You think I exist for your fucking entertainment? What am I? A fucking clown? No, I'm a man, a man with a fucking shiny new job that is going to demand the lion's share of my time from now on. Go find your own links you big fucking baby. You want me to come over and wipe your ass for you too?
(Yeah, that's right, I swear, I tried to keep it to a minimum before lest I scare away any potential employers...)
Anyway, for the rest of you, those of you that actually care about me, those of you that aren't link-sucking hangers-on... I'll still be around, I'll still post random snippets of information about my life in here. Some of it will be funny, some of it will be sad, some of it will make you question the very essence of your being (not really)... It might come a little less frequently, especially over the next couple of weeks as I settle into my job, but rest assured that it will still come. You can always email me too.
Wish me luck, I'm off to buy some fancy new clothes now.
Love,
M.
Today's links:
Here are most of the sites I visit(ed) on a daily basis - most, if not all of the links you've seen on this page came from one of the sites below. Enjoy:
 Metafilter.com - a community of linkwhores and newsfiends that is slowly spiraling into anarchy.
|
 Fark.com - lots of links to news and sometimes amusing sites. Lots of shit to filter out.
|
 The Morning News - sensitive written pieces and topical news links from a group of cooler-than-thou elite in NY.
|
|
B3ta - pronounced beta - funny people in England putting together lots of quality amusing pictures and posting generally very high quality funny links.
|
 BoingBoing - killer stuff, mostly tech related.
|
|
Everything Isn't Under Control - another Chicago guy with a blog. Sometimes good links, sometimes not.
|
|
Everlasting Blort - really good for the stranger side of things. Lots of links to just plain bizarre websites.
|
 Mister Pants - another one that is good for links to the unusual. Plus lots of entertaining quips and stories about life.
|
|
Surfstation - mainly design related stuff but sometimes funny things pop up.
|
 Kaliber 10000 - K10K, the best design site going. Revamped with a pretty new face and all kinds of yummy stuff.
|
 FilePile - if you're not already a member then you are SOL but this site is smashtastic. Tons of pictures and websites and MP3s...
|
|
Newstoday - design community. Not a big fan but sometimes they'll have halfway decent links.
|
 Memepool - used to be that you'd find good links here, it seems a bit crap of late though.
|
 Yay!Hooray! - hands down the best site on the whole internet! Friendly community loosely themed about design. Sometimes good links - always good people. My login is crMN1.
|
042602
Today is a great day. The sun is shining, I got a rad new monitor (19 hot, sweaty inches of love - $75, thank you craigslist), and now I'm off for a weekend trip to Peoria.
Today's links:
Happy kittens, happy music, a beach, and a chinchilla.
People are strange.
I hate Jakob Nielsen.
Want a pub in your garden? I do.
Mr. Friendly pretty well rules.
042402 (bonus link)
Best game ever doesn't even come close to describing this!
042402
Want an entourage but aren't famous or monied enough to warrant one? Try this - get two cats, set them up on a regular feeding schedule, then one day feed them 1/2 an hour late. They'll follow you everywhere and make you feel extra-loved!
Today's favorite word: shtum - mainly because that one scene from Sexy Beast is stuck in my head. Ben Kingsley totally should have won the Oscar for that one.
Today's links:
There are some great games and things there but I'm mainly linking because I like the name: Nipplecat!
I want.
Is your pet gay?
042302
Dooce is gone. She will be missed.
Thankfully there are other hyper-cool people like my pal Corianton out there doing the same kind of thing. (Only with a prettier site and free fonts to boot!)
Today's links:
Eminem paid $150K to have this cover pulped. Can't think why...
One way to get a cheap loft in NY.
Riot is kind of fun.
Because sometimes being mean is OK.
Cultural relevance be damned - this is nasty.
Bungy wedding!
042202
Someone is fucking with me.
I'm pretty well set against hunting. Someone has gone ahead and signed me up for a membership with the North American Hunting Club and a subscription to Field & Stream magazine. Very few people know my address and I think I know who did this. Be warned - I'm going to get you.
Today's links:
K10K is back. And it still feels good.
Happy Earth Day. How big is your ecological footprint?
How to make OSX style buttons.
Strange and disturbing performance art.
041902 (later)
The hair is dead! Long live the hair!
041902
In my infinite wisdom I have decided that my current haircut doesn't suit the weather of a Chicago Summer. At 3:45PM CST I will wander down to Milio's and have it all cut off. Fauxhawk.
I'll post a pic in the webcam thing when I'm done. Prepare to be wowed! (to borrow an expression from a dear, dear friend...)
Today's links:
I don't know what the story is with this picture but you know it is a sad one.
Impressive Lego church.
iToilet. A cheap and only marginally funny stab at Apple.
One more reason to hate Cilla Black.
The intro to one of my favorite shows when I was a wee lad. No wonder I'm so messed up.
You could mistake this for a hollow cartoon about a robot and a bird. It is really a deep statement about love.
Pictures of drunk people.
041802
Dragged the A/C unit up from basement storage yesterday. It has made a huge difference in the quality of my life.
Today's links:
Finally, an easy way to humiliate your friends. So long Photoshop.
Spit spreads germs.
Wish this worked on cats
Rear end washer.
041602
Today it is really hot and humid outside. Probably not the best weather to be going on a long bike ride, pushing yourself as hard as you can.
I did it anyway and it left me purple and very sweaty. When I got home I had to lay on the floor for a while, unable to move. Marmite came up and licked sweat off my face - it was really cute.
Today's links:
Apparently this isn't new but I had never seen it before. Funny, funny stuff. I played it about ten times, laughing hysterically the whole time.
Download a desktop polyp.
041502
Over the weekend I joined a crew and particpated in 5X8 - a competition/event wherein you have 22 hours to make a 3 minute film - it was the best time I've had in ages. Up late into the night writing scripts and storylines, waking early in the morning to film. Our film didn't win but I think it kicked ass. I had never done any video stuff before but it was really cool and now I want to do more.
The weather is stunning today.
I met up with an old pal from college; we went and sat outside and drank beer.
Today's links:
If you live in Chicago and own a bike - do this.
Not sure if anyone else thinks Bathing Ape is cool. Anyhow, they've teamed up with Pepsi in Japan to design some can bottles.
Ooh, I guess the links are a bit light today. I did mention that is is really nice outside, right?
041202
Today I thought up two potential slogans for an anti-drunk driving group to use: "Crash at your friend's place; not into a tree." and "Cabs are so much cheaper than funerals."
My Brother is driving now and I worry about him nearly constantly. Mainly because I remember what I was like at his age. (Not that I drank and drove, I was just reckless and silly...)
Today's links:
The story is that in Japan the biker gangs, bosozoku, put their cats' faces on their driver's licenses to fool the police.
Play God.
Horrifying.
A touching tribute to the Queen Mum.
Things Other People Accomplished When They Were Your Age.
HaX0r translator.
041102
I went for another bike ride today. Took Keri's digital camera with me this time and took a bunch of useless, boring pictures. If you want to see them they're up in the photo section.
I got bonk really bad about 2 miles from home and thought I was going to die. That'll learn me to leave home without Gu.
Today's links:
Cool shades.
Before you get all offended and email me, I know Tourette's is a serious condition and that this simulator doesn't so much "simulate" as it does poke fun. I'm sorry.
041002
My bike ride yesterday was a pleasant end to my three week stint of inactivity. I rode North along the lake, stopped on a pier, talked to some fishermen, watched a diving bird diving for food for a while, then just watched the waves rolling in to the beach.
Today's ride was a life-affirming burst of sunshine and sweat.
If you look at the webcam you'll notice that I'm growing a bit of a moustache. I started growing it as a *joke*/to piss Keri off a bit. Now it is coming in I'm loathe to shave it off - I think I might actually like it. Maybe I don't like it, maybe I'm just revelling in the sarcasm of the whole thing - I can't tell anymore!
Today's links:
New Murakami short fiction.
Russian prison tats.
Great Knight Rider tribute page.
Two pictures
040902
The sun has finally come out - time to go for a bike ride!
Today's links:
Two pictures.
Another reason to call my kid Hank.
Monorail in his backyard.
Sounds that annoy cats.
040502
Today begins my rock star pal's West Coast tour. If you're lucky enough to live anywhere near any of his shows - go see him! He'll rock your socks off.
I got a haircut today.
Today's links:
Orking!
I only wish I had someone to play it with.
I want.
040402
Apparently an overwhelming majority of you have suffered some kind of major head trauma and don't like my new shoes. Well, like I said yesterday - I don't care. I'm still going to wear them. I'm still going to look down at my feet whilst wearing them and sigh a happy, little sigh.
Today's links: (which, quite frankly, aren't that good but that serves you right for not liking my new shoes...)
What would happen if you got really messed up on smack and then drew comics? Pokey the Penguin!
How to be a web designer.
Buy a shy kid for your living room.
A guide to sleeping in airports.
Some recipes.
040302
I just bought some new shoes. Keri (and just about everyone else I've shown them to) tells me they're ugly. Here's some pictures of them. Are they ugly?
| Your fantastic new shoes create a stirring in my loins that I normally reserve for naked pictures. | |
Today's links:
I don't know if anyone else has been reading the Bee - Shutterbug Follies comics but today I stumbled across the *hidden* rest of the strip - all the way to the end. I felt kind of guilty reading them all, like a kid that found his parents' Christmas present hiding spot. I drooled my way though them all but now feel a bit guilty. Here's the link to the backdoor in case you want to cheat too.
The trouble with beer.
You can thank me for finding this by buying me a bunch of stuff from it.
040102
I was going to come up with some slick prank to pull on everyone that reads this page... you know, with it being April Fool's Day and all that. Then I decided not to.
I went for a bike ride today and didn't get half a block before it started snowing. SNOWING!!! In April!
It all seems so very wrong.
Today's links:
White bear: brown tail.
High tech filters down to a cat flap. Brilliant.
Like guide dogs, only monkeys... (Worth is just for this pic.)
Rob builds incredible things.
I'm going to hell:
·Bungee ascending.
·With you always...
033102
Happy Easter. I ate so much chocolate yesterday that I was almost sick; then spent the rest of the day with a splitting sugar headache... Think I might abstain today.
Today's links:
Long but really interesting and worth reading all the way through.
Easter eggs. Because it is Easter.
Peep surgery. Also because it is Easter.
Money saving tips. Because we were in a recession, weren't we?
033002
Sorry it has been a few days, I was busy with interviews (!!)...
Some funny things my cats do:
Frank - proclaims his hunger in the mornings by standing on the dresser drawers and nudging things over the edge with his paw. All the while staring at you and willing you to get up and feed him.
Marmite - curls up between my legs in my underpants when I'm sitting on the toilet.
Today's links:
Some snatches of my life as told by Penny Arcade.
Cats are cool.
Didn't Disney make a movie about this already?
Horrifying abominations of genetic engineering.
Shit.
032602
When I wake up tomorrow morning, I'll be 27. A time for introspection I suppose.
Today's links:
Flash with a message.
:(
032502
The trailer for the movie that Keri and I were in is up on the movie's website. I didn't see either of us in the trailer. I hope we didn't end up on the cutting room floor...
Code samples have been added to my micro-portfolio below.
I turn 27 in 2 days.
Today's (extra-special good) links:
The bunny LOVES your mouse!!!
Best Lego link ever!
Best tattoo ever!
Almost worth buying a dog and a house with a yard for. Almost.
Arts & crafts project for aspiring ninjas.
Another rabbit. This one sneaky.
WWJE?
032202
Did you ever play Sonic the Hedgehog 2? You remember that bit where he was underwater and had to breath from the bubble geyser things? You remember that noise it made when he did, like a "woop-wip" kind of noise? Yeah, I've been thinking about that noise a lot recently.
Today's links:
Find the hidden bird.
Jesus is with you always.
032002
Surprisingly enough my chest infection cleared itself up mere hours before I was supposed to go to the doctor. My credit cards are safe again.
Today's links:
My new favorite color tool.
Makes my eyes water.
I don't care how happy he is; I'm still terrified of him.
Poop test.
Great punk comic.
Very cool. Projected keyboard.
I can relate a bit too well.
Spears and Saget have a chat.
031802
I've had a nasty chest infection of some sort for the past couple of weeks. It is crawling up my throat now so I decided to make an appointment with a doctor: without health insurance! My fear of drowning in my sleep, lungs full of mucus, is only slightly greater than the terror that accompanies thoughts of a $1000 bill tomorrow.
Being unemployed sucks.
Plus this all means I won't get to go swimming all week. Expect me to be quite cranky by Wednesday.
Today's links:
Cute and nasty strolling hand in hand. Here's where they all came from.
Witty Japanese mouseovers.
Peanut butter jelly time!
How to pick locks.
Find your demographic.
I plan to...
031602
My birthday (#27) is only a week and a half away. Still not too late for you to buy me things!
Today's links:
Grillo the Clown is really scary.
Chewing gum makes you smarter.
Live woman thought dead, taken to morgue, dies.
031402
A friend of mine in Seattle, Jeremy, just found out that he's got a brain tumor. I can't begin to imagine how scary and shitty that must feel. I hope everything works out OK for him.
On a lighter note, I took the garbage down just before I went swimming. When I got to the dumpster it sounded like something was moving around inside. Something was - a rat. It was trapped in there because the dumpster was empty and it couldn't quite jump all the way to the top. I tossed my garbage bag in there and propped the lid open so it would be able to climb up the bag then jump to freedom; instead the rat chose to climb into the garbage bag, presumably to look for a snack.
The whole time I was swimming the song Rat in Mi Kitchen by UB40 was stuck in my head.
Some things I learned about rats today:
· They can jump really high.
· To them a tasty snack is more important than freedom.
· They're cute, kind of like small, dirty cats.
· Rat in Mi Kitchen is a fucking annoying song.
Today's links:
Sheep.
Art? Umm, yeah, I don't think so.
Jesus swimming.
I still eat meat but sites like this make me wish I didn't.
031302
Interviewing homeless people is interesting. Trying to decipher the interview recordings to transcribe them is not.
Today's links:
Every picture tells a story.
Interesting.
Exactly what it says it is.
Text-based Pong. The geekiest Pong of all.
031202
Right, I'm off to interview some homeless people now.
Today's links:
Cool. (Like in Amelie - great movie)
Cooler. Some great pics of NY.
Coolest. Click the simulator button.
Funny. Britney gets pee thrown at her.
Funnier. My Brother knows what is funny about this...
Funniest. Mr. & Mrs. Carrot.
Awful.
More awful.
Most awful.
030802
More added value for my site! Check out the scroller (on the front page) now baby. Awww yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Grab the nubbin, slide it up and down, what a delight. DHTML rules.
If it doesn't work for you, send me an email with the form below. (on the front page)
Today's link:
Prince Charles gets a statue. Hilarious.
030702
Today started out as one of those days where nothing goes right - stubbing toes, dropping things, tripping over words... Then I drove out to the suburbs for an interview and everything was great.
Today's links:
A gross animal link.
And a sad animal link.
030502
A friend sent me this quote yesterday:
"Cat's lives are too short, perhaps their only fault"
-Unknown
Thank you Amy.
On an unrelated note: a splash of blood on the ground next to an ATM very rarely means good things.
Today's links:
80's revival: 1, 2, 3.
Animals on trains: 1, 2.
030402
Today is a day of bipolar emotions.
One year ago today sweet, little Kaia died in my arms. On the other hand, I am thrilled to bits about this.
The Kaia thing is winning right now. Today's links:
!!!
Chipmunk Punk.
Reserved for cool blind people.
About time...
Panda Dog. Dyed Chow.
2001. In 20 words or less.
Interesting smuggling photographs.
Joe Queenan is sorry.
030102
I rode the bus to the pool again today. About halfway there a man got on wearing an Amtrak Conductor's uniform, complete with a mesh hat displaying a shiny metal badge that read, "Amtrak - Conductor". He sat in front of me and I noticed that he was carrying a train schedule on top of his head, under the hat.
Through the rest of the bus ride my mind was filled with images of the man taking off his hat to answer people's train timetable questions.
Today's links:
Stylish, funny, long, and awesome!
Funny stuff: fake someone's death. This is very entertaining and a little bit illegal. It will most likely be taken down soon. Go now. Here's mine.
Just plain cool.
022802
Chicago has now become the snow-dusted, wind-blasted frigid wasteland that I feared it would be eventually. So much for riding my bike to the pool for the next few weeks. I took the bus today which was a laff riot!
One year ago today Keri and I were riding out a 6.8 magnitude earthquake in Seattle. In retrospect it was a pretty cool experience.
Today's links:
Fatmouse!
Dan Harmann's interview in Tablet.
Mac People: Use your IPod to steal software!
Google keeps getting better: phonebook.
Jackass segments that were too hot for MTV.
Ali G translator.
Testosterone levels linked to crankiness. And you all laughed at me when I said I got pissy if I didn't get enough exercise...
022702
I feel my contributions to this site are suffering because I haven't been swimming yet this week. Lazy body == tired mind. Tomorrow I'll go swimming.
Here's a sketch I did of Kaia and a picture of my face.
Today's (excellent) link:
Dooce got fired for saying rude things on her personal website.
022602
Here's a poem I wrote a while ago:
"Religion,"
She said,
"Is for the weak."
Stumbling over her words
slightly.
He nodded his head
in agreement
And stroked her hair
as he removed
her bra.
I guess I'm not a poet :)
Today's links:
He-Man is coming back.
Puppy bowling.
Christian Juggling routines.
The youth of today are just so violent.
022202
I was lying yesterday when I said I was going to come up with something clever for today. I've got nothing. My bad.
I did add my micro-portfolio to this page though, down yonder where my resume lives. Swanky.
Today's links:
So good and so true!
Duck and cover.
Rules of thumb.
Both brilliant and true.
022102
Tomorrow I'll say something both profound and hilarious to make up for today's marked lack of profundity and hilarity.
Today's links:
Someone searched for "what to eat to get a bigger ass" on Yahoo and my site came up! How cool is that?
A dog that can eat pudding from over a foot away!
Cat paintings by a schizophrenic artist. Pretty.
A conversation between two IM Bots.
022002
Funny how much of a difference a little bit of exercise makes. I hadn't been swimming since Friday and was getting all bummed out. Today I went swimming and am back to being my usual chipper self.
I've decided that I'm going to name any and all of my male children Hank. Roll it off your tongue a few times... sounds nice, doesn't it?
Photo section has been updated, click on the little camera to the left.
Today's links:
Cat cartoon.
Bear comic. Thanks B3ta for today's links.
021702
Our rock star friend Daniel G. Harmann flew from Seattle to visit us for the weekend. It was the funnest weekend ever and it helped to open my eyes to all of the smashing things about Chicago. Thank you Dan.
(Pictures will be up on Monday along with a redesigned photo section!)
Today's links:
Russian roulette - pretty fun.
How to give a cat an enema.
Ewww.
Ewwww.
021302
Damn, the job contest is doing remarkably well so far. Tons of hits and three solid, serious leads. Sweet.
Today's links:
Like Double Dragon only with Andrew WK.
Make your own cow.
Eat bunny.
I'll be in the bathroom being sick if anyone needs me.
Rubik's Cube solving legobot!
How to tell which cat stole your drugs.
Hold on please...
021202
My awesome idea lives. Go check it out and let me know what you think. Remember, friends and family are eligible to win!
Links tomorrow...
021102
I just had an awesome idea. I can't say anything more than that right now but it should be up here within a couple of days. It will blow your mind!
Today's links:
I cried a little bit when I read this.
Custom Google!
Dirty bear calendar. Dirty.
Etiquette guide for those of us living in large cities.
Win toilet paper.
020802
Today is crap. I'm tired and I've got a big bruise on my ass from falling off my bike in front of a car. Thankfully I was able to drag my ass out of the road before it got run over. Stupid ice.
Today's links:
Lots of cats and toilets. Good stuff.
Make a virtual model of yourself. Also good stuff.
Water salad.
Why bigots and white supremacists don't date much. Ha ha ha.
020702
Spanish is a lot easier to learn than I had imagined it would be. Expect me to be fluent by the end of the month.
Today's links:
Way cooler than a piercing. I want one.
Too many good pictures. (keep clicking "random")
Cute cartoon.
Pooh and Eeyore.
Tiger 18
Blue marble.
020602
Today I felt just about well enough to go swimming. Instead I opted to laze around eating Fruit By The Foot® and applying for jobs.
Today's links:
Cat pictures -
· I'll have a pint of tabby please.
· Just cute.
· Just fat.
· Not a cat at all - my friend Drew as a squirrel in a compromising situation.
Cool slides picked up at garage sales. I should go to garage sales more often.
Your name in crackers.
Portrait tattoos for you to laugh at.
Great site.
020502
I got more RAM today. Expect great things.
In other news: I'm addicted to Fruit By The Foot®
Today's links:
Post-It Note Theater.
Disposable underpants.
A place to send photos of yourself wearing said underpants.
Homing cats. Nothing to do with underpants whatsoever.
020402
Look like shit? Yup. Feel like shit? Yup.
Today's links:
Proof that two wrongs do indeed make a right.
Like porn, but for nerds.
Let me know when these are available. I'll take one.
It probably isn't a good idea to get really drunk and pass out around me anymore.
Woman breastfeeding a monkey.
Just how amazing is it?
Bottom slappery.
020302
Lots of drugs + instruments + some mentally ill people
= Pure fucking entertainment.
= The best show I've been to since the last good show I went to. Probably And You Will Know Us...
= The Moldy Peaches!
I'm quite ill and still had a great time.
020102
I think I might be coming down with something.
Keri's Homemade Peanut Butter Cups
You will need:
-Peanut butter, preferably crunchy, preferably Jif
-Magic Shell dessert topping
-Ice cube tray
How to make them:
Take a spoon, put a glob of peanut butter in an empty ice cube tray hole, squirt Magic Shell crap on top of it. Refrigerate (or freeze, whatever...). Enjoy.
Today's link:
You think you're so smart? Yeah, well, you're not.
013102
I saw a girl get nailed by a car while I was walking back from swimming. She wasn't hurt so it's OK for me to think it was cool, right?
Don't know what happened last night while I was asleep but when I woke up this morning there was a shitload of snow on the ground.
Last night I finished writing my short story about a homeless guy. Today I came on step closer to perfecting the crawl. Today's links:
Nekonoko calendar. Print. Enjoy.
Mindblowing demonstration of scale.
Stare Down Sally.
012902
Last night when I went up to the front desk of my pool to sign up for swim lessons the woman behind the counter said, "Oh, good for you..." in a very patronizing way. I'm not a freestyle expert yet but I am one step closer... I'll be in the pool all week practicing if anyone needs me.
Today's links:
Our chum Dan has hit the big time! Go buy his EP!
get your enr on.
Bubblegum comics, meet existential philosophy. Existential philosophy, meet bubblegum comics.
Almost worth moving to Japan just to get at their cell phones... Not that I ever use the one I've got now.
012802
I used to be a lifeguard. I passed all of the Red Cross lifeguard tests using breaststroke or a modified crawl that involved me holding my breath for a long time. I feel ashamed and a little dirty when I tell people I never learned how to do the crawl. Tonight all of that will change. Tonight I'm going to 'adult swim lessons' (think: less dirty, more grown-ups that are bad at swimming) at my pool. Tonight I learn to crawl and by tomorrow morning my shame will be nothing more than a memory.
Today's links:
How to appear more intelligent.
Tattooed action figures.
What strikes me as a great idea. But could be nasty given a misfire.
Great new White Stripes video. Realized entirely in animated Lego.
Key West chicken battle.
So much Lego deliciousness today. Scenes of death captured in Lego.
Try this and let me know how it goes. The Uberman sleep schedule.
Nice international photo site.
012502
Another gorgeous day in Chicago.
Hey, click that "Hire Me" burst in the banner up there...
Awww yeah, DHTML delicious!
Today's links:
A mini e-book of hilarious, disturbing, sad, and uplifting confessions.
Can't decide what I think about this. It kind of gives me the willies. But then it is making something of a point. Britney, are you listening?
012402
Today I took my BMX apart, wrapped it in paper and duct tape and sealed it in a box. Tomorrow morning I'm going to send it to the man in California that bought it off me.
I might cry a little bit. Bikes are so hard to let go of.
OK, it is old but I only just got around to reading it. The Cluetrain Manifesto says so many things that are just so right on. Take some time out of your day and read it.
L. Ron Hubbard - couch - Funnyuns.
Bea Arthur - violence - dinosaurs.
Free Winona t-shirts. Because Mandela is already out.
Cool pictures of industrial design by Atari.
Buy me this. No, seriously, I want it. Stop laughing!
Just as an aside, someone found this site by typing "i'm 15 years old, female, here are some pictures of pretty me " into Google. It made me really sad. And quite angry.
012302
The Charlatans (UK) were awesome last night. Bit of an eclectic crowd but I had a great time anyway. Thank you Charlatans.
Today's links:
So cool I nearly wet my pants. It might be dead already because I posted it to Metafilter... Here's what it does though.
Very odd.
I need one of these!
More fresh, kitteny goodness.
Amusing proof that we all have bad days.
I'll just hold it until we land next time.
Why I hate people that drive SUVs.
012202
Stunningly nice day out today in Chicago. If you're unemployed (like what I am...) and live here I would highly recommend going out for a walk/jog/bike ride/whatever. If you're stuck in an office and live here... well... I'm sorry.
Only two links today but they are of such high quality that it shouldn't bother anyone. Plus, you're supposed to be outside.
Today's links:
Random. Cute. Kitten generator.
Grand Theft Auto, Carmageddon, Twisted Metal - redux!
012102
Just links today.
Today's links:
One man's descent into madness chronicled on eBay.
Tron 2.0 teaser.
Australia kills dogs that are giant and hell-bent on murder.
S. Korea kills dogs that are yummy.
Lord of the Rings abridged. Again.
This is me. By GW Bush.
What is either a joke or the most tactless and vile banner ever!
Air bag for motorcyclists.
011902
What do I do when I'm bored? Enhance my website of course... I added an archive to the webcam and made a couple of new icons for that bit over there to the left. They're so cute.
Today's links:
So much more fun than you'd think! Here's some I made.
Sweet little first person shooter, written in Java. Think Wolfenstein.
A taste of what's to come only in funny comic form.
Surname distribution in the US through the years.
Like vodka, only lamer.
011802
A Buddhist walks in to a pizza place and says, "Make me one with everything."
Today's links:
Look out! Here comes the future.
Not sure if this is funny or sad.
Woman gets her own back on Jehovah's Witness. Funny stuff.
Whale skeleton for sale.
The proper way to hate your job.
Diary of Aragorn. Only funny if you've seen Lord of the Rings.
CNN hires MTV's Serena Altschul. This has to mean something bad.
011702
Some things to look forward to if you live in Chicago:
0122 - The Charlatans (UK)/Starsailor - The Vic - 7:30
0129 - Stereophonic/JJ72 - Metro - 7:00
0202 - Moldy Peaches - Empty Bottle
Today's links:
Dog in a coat.
Old people suddenly realize they're old!
It is almost worth going through the whole gallery. Some are funny.
011602
I'm thrilled to the point of almost being giggly about the new season of MTV's The Real World being set in Chicago. It gives me a chance to explore the city without having to leave the warm coziness of my apartment. Thank you MTV.
If it pisses it down with rain, what does it do for snow? Fluff it down? Today it is fluffing it down.
This didn't stop me from riding my bike (rolling on 20's...) to the pool and back today. I'm kind of an idiot.
What I think about when I'm swimming: "...39...39...39...39...39...39...39...40...40...40...40..."
Today's links:
This Summer I will start a kickball league. Let me know if you're interested.
Man goes from dot-com CEO to counter staff at McDonald's. On purpose.
Ha ha ha.
011502
A couple of days ago I was coming back from the pet store (as I do sometimes) and I saw a Fed Ex guy standing outside the security door of our apartment. He was doing something with the door and when I got a little closer I realized he was trying to jimmy the lock with a credit card. He didn't notice me until I was pretty much right next to him, he looked quite startled and a bit embarrassed. "Is that for Marc Needham?" "Yeah, uhh, here you go..." and then he jogged back to his truck. "I don't need to sign anything?" I called after him.
I can't decide if it was an example of guerilla customer service and therefore a good thing or if he was just saving his ass a trip back tomorrow and therefore a bad thing...
Today's links:
My pal Dan has put out an EP. It is awesome and it is now available online. Go buy it.
Robots... they're worse than telemarketers...
Poor Britney. People just don't understand how deep she is.
This is what I want done with my ashes when I die.
011302
So, after about seven or eight years of not remembering any dreams at all; all of a sudden, I'm remembering them all. This is pretty cool for the most part but last night I had a really nasty nightmare. I was being strapped into an electric chair and a female prison guard was preparing me for execution. I was crying quietly and there was this mix of pity and sadness in her eyes. It was one of the most horrifying things I've ever experienced.
Today's links:
Some funny pictures.
Moderately amusing comic.
| Marc Needham Super Haircut Vote Battle! | |
|
|
| "Haircut: Yes!" won, 15 votes to 14. However, IP addresses suggested that some people voted multiple times. I hate cheaters and decided I'm not ready to lose the shag yet so decided not to get the drastic cut I had planned. Screw all y'all this ain't a democracy. | |
011102
I was going to say something about how eating blood sausage (a staple of my youth) is no worse than chicken or beef broth or any other type of meat really. Then I got sidetracked playing with Flash. I made this for this.
Today's links:
Concentrate on the image for 40 seconds or so. Great and spooky!
This has to be the best execution of the best practical joke EVER!
Neat little VBS script that allows you to use Word spell checker in IE.
Dr. Dogmeat and some thoughts.
011002
Today found me getting my hair cut and my throat feeling a little better. Maybe my hair was too shaggy and that's what was making my throat hurt?
Today's links:
Self Confidence
An abridged version of Lord of the Rings which is only really funny if you've seen the movie.
Great MP3! Public Enemy Vs. Dexy's Midnight Runners.
Opt out of ads. Not sure if it works but it has to be worth a try.
010902
Today I:
· Still didn't feel well.
· Updated my music section.
· Went and bought some cat food. (I think I might be developing agoraphobia...)
· Had several conversations via email and IM with several friends about several inane and puerile topics.
· Waited for the UPS guy to bring me some pants. He never came.
· Applied for some jobs.
· Surfed the web too much.
· Cleaned the cat litter, took the garbage out, and played a good two hours of fetch with Marmite.
· Revelled in the realization that Marmite is the naughtiest cat I've ever met.
· Didn't go swimming.
· Didn't go for a bike ride.
I am leading a sad, empty life that can only improve once I start feeling better.
Today's links:
Be sure to click the "more" links and check the rest of the paper out after reading the classifieds. So funny.
Whimsyland's Crabb Jumpers.
"The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people."
Money does buy happiness. Go figure.
This is how I'd like my kids to learn about important issues like drug abuse, parental alcohol abuse, and gangs.
Kind of a dumb game but you get to be a bear and punch Jennifer Love Hewitt and Sarah Michelle Gellar so it can't be all bad.
010802
Today I don't feel well. All fever-floaty and soreness. I may never swim again.
Today's links:
Sad lion story.
More cool animated gifs from the source of yesterday's.
That's all I've got, sorry.
010702
OK, I was going to go swimming today but got tied up buying fancy paper to print resumes on.
I did ride my bike to the paper shop though, that has to count for something, right? Swimming tomorrow.
Today's links:
"Mommy, can I be a hooker when I grow up?"
Best. Animated fighting gif. Ever.
I quit smoking four months ago, if I still smoked though this is where I'd go to buy donuts.
Something about feral children. A topic close to my heart as I was raised by a small group of talking cats.
An unpleasant article about pets (unwittingly) eating other pets.
A great feature that reminded me that I've driven across this continent five times (for various reasons).
Here's a picture of my friend Jeremy hanging out with Ron Jeremy in Seattle.
010402
I'm a bit angry today because I found out I was wrong about the pool being closed this whole time. They ended up just being closed for a couple of days instead of the three weeks that the note on the door said. I could have been swimming this whole time; instead I've been sitting around eating chocolate and surfing the web. Great.
Here's a picture of my new bike with sexy, new yellow tires on it, 20's no less...
Today's links:
How to diaper a monkey.
Photographs of silly English people reacting to a van backfiring. Good stuff.
An amusing take on the 'page cannot be displayed' page.
What to do if you are sick of spam. (And let's be honest here, who isn't sick of spam?)
010302
Here's a picture of my new bike. Pretty sexy, no?
Today's links:
Angry note sadly left in error.
Geek Hierarchy.
Tetsuya Nagato and his monkey in 32 locations.
Models are smart.
010202
I bought a new bike today, a Trek 1500. It is sweet as fuck.
As a sad side-effect I'm selling my BMX, now's your chance to own something that's been between my legs.
Today's links:
Semi-new Harper's Index. Funny and scary at the same time.
Irony so thick that it hurts.
Saw Lord of the Rings last night, stunningly cool movie. Apparently mistakes were made though...
010102
When I was a kid I always figured I'd be dead before the Millennium, the fact that I've made it this far just boggles my mind.
I can say with a very straight face that I am happy 2001 is over. 2001 was a year where my best friend died, an earthquake shook my confidence in solid ground, I got laid off from a job I loved, and I moved away from all of my friends and a city I loved. Add to that the World Trade Center attack which had me staring at the TV wearing nothing but my underpants and a horrified expression on my face, crying uncontrollably, and 2002 can only be better, right?
*touch wood*
Last night was fun, we went and got wasted at the Double Door. This morning (early afternoon) sees me refreshingly devoid of the usual trappings of a hard night's drinking. Yaay for grilled cheese sandwiches and lots of water when I got home last night!
Today's links:
Stupid.
Stupid.
Disturbing.
123001
Back from England now, had a brilliant time, I'll put a bunch of pictures up later this week.
I can hardly believe that 2001 is almost over, the years just seem to be going faster and faster now. This year I've decided to adopt a corporate tagline as my New Year's resolution, here are some ideas I've got so far:
This year ___
- Make every day good to the last drop. (Maxwell House)
- Just Do It. (Nike)
- It's all about the beer. (Heineken)
- Do it in Huggies. (Huggies)
- Thank goodness for Kleenex. (Kleenex)
- 100% pure squeezed sunshine. (Tropicana)
- The length you go to for pleasure. (Benson & Hedges)
and most importantly...
- Happiness. (Kinder)
The Royal Tenenbaums is funny and nice to look at, go see it. I just added it to my top five favorite movies list.
Today's links:
Chicago narrowly beating NY as Murder City, USA. We're #1!!!
Absolutely fucking fantastic Japanese Flash ads for Panasonic. They make me wish I spoke Japanese so I knew what the hell was going on. They also make me wish I could get the damn song out of my head.
121701
Forgot to mention it when I updated yesterday... we went party-hopping on Saturday night and Ellen from Road Rules 10 was at one of the parties. She spent the whole time we saw her looking very snotty and making out with two guys.
It is 6:00 in the AM, I'm so tired I feel sick. I'm off to the airport.
121601
Here's my first snowboard design for the Monson Snowboard Design Contest. What do you think? Is it crap?
I'm going to England tomorrow morning so there won't be updates to this page again until the 27th of December. Unless I get bored or something really cool happens. Hope everyone has a splendid Christmas.
Today's links:
Think Flash can't be scary, demented, and driven by mental illness? The Woodcutter proves you wrong. Look around a bit.
Throw the ball. Then press 5.
Got an iBook2? Want to make a see-through case for it? Here's how.
Got a set of stairs? Want to learn how and why to throw yourself down them? Here's how (and why...)
Not to mention the fact that in 15 years you'll be sickeningly rich.
Korean Pizza Huts make a pizza with crab baked in to the crust.
Now you can make your own Enchiritos.
121401
My auction was shut down by the man. Apparently I broke some rules of theirs or something. I think it's because I was getting more traffic than they wanted, around 13K people had visited before they killed it. Oh well.
Today's links:
Hilarious Christmas video.
Mark Brazill (the creator That 70's Show) is an complete headcase. I thought only movie industry people were this full of shit...
The new most unpleasant way to die!
Ummm, a story about a cat...
And, uhh... a song I used to like...
121301
Watching a meme develop from the inside is kind of cool. A few of the bigger blogs picked up the auction that I launched yesterday. Look at the hit counter at the bottom of it now. Sweet.
Today's links:
JDreamer is almost enough to convert me to Christianity, but not quite. Check out their awesome anime Jesus boxcutters!
I had a couple of people ask me what a "blog" is today.
STILL haven't bought me my Xmas present yet? Get me this!
Sad article about Seattle being smashed in the face by this recession. Poor Seattle.
Click launch now to see some great color-changing porn art.
Not particularly impressive but kind of creepy dancing baby face.
Where P. Diddy picked up his massive amounts of "street cred". Ha ha ha.
121201
I'm really, really bored!
Today's links:
Vulgar but highly entertaining game.
Doubletree picked the wrong nerds to mess with!
Looking to buy me a last minute Christmas present? No, didn't think so...
Looking to buy a term paper online?
New issue of Tiger Magazine is out and pretty.
121101
When I got to the pool today there was a polite note telling me that the pool would be closed for two to three weeks. Two to three weeks! What am I supposed to do for two to three weeks? The next closest pool is miles away.
Of course, I'll be in England for two weeks of that but what am I going to do for the rest of this week?
Do I whine too much?
Today's links:
Apparently I was bored today.
Google's Usenet archives are live now. Great to see yesterday's news from the perspective of the geeks.
This movie looks like it should be good.
Silly Canadians.
121001
OK, this article gave me the willies a little bit. I have used Builder.com a lot in the past and the fact that they're changing focus has to mean something, right? Just to make sure my options are kept open I've rejiggered my resume to appeal to non-technical people too. Yeah, I'm a dork, and...
I mean, I'm not saying I want to leave web development, I love it here, I don't know what I'm saying. I'm so confused!!!
Today's links:
Best Bea Arthur doll ever!
Comic gems from McSweeney's.
Apparently some people in NY don't like Britney.
Don't date his daughter.
Don't interview with Microsoft.
120701
I walk almost two miles back from the pool every day and keep expecting to see people I know. I don't think that is too unreasonable, I went to U of I, I lived in the suburbs for two years, I seem to remember having friends. What happened to them all?
Today's links:
Best game ever. Period.
Strange.
120601
If a cat ever decided it wanted to kill you while you were sleeping you'd be fucked. Think about that.
I'm the loser in .com loser.
Today's links:
Why wasn't I blessed with a fat trust fund, movie star friends, and the god-given ability to knock back gobs and gobs of coke and champagne?
Dogs. They're just so rude.
"No, not a turtle. A vampire."
Desperation is both cute and funny.
Pixely delicious.
CEO's guide to terrorist attack.
Thank you.
Rice rocket toilet.
Something fun and interesting to do next time you're drunk.
120501
Today it was warm, the sun shone brightly, and I swam a mile. Granted that's not that far but I'm proud of myself just the same.
Today's links:
Funny fake diary entry about the first day of Segway ownership.
Looking for a domain name but think all the good ones are taken? Think again!
Are you a twat? Do you have too much money? Here's something you'll want then.
This funny article pretty much sums up how I feel about adults that bought into the Harry Potter thing.
Great little game.
A tear (of gratitude) welled up in my eye when I saw myself (TiggleTaggleTiger) listed as part of the MeFi Mob (in the left sidebar, a bit further down, no, a bit futher, there you go...) on this site.
120401
Almost swam a mile today.
Today's links:
Think of what you could get done if you could stay up for four days without getting tired!
I'm a hacker. Apparently.
Great article about the crappiest place in America.
Subtle. You might have to watch it more than once.
120301
While I was in Peoria a friend and I hit a bingo hall. It was unbelievably entertaining, if a little surreal. We then decided that the key to having a good time is to mix things up occasionally and that it would be a good idea to go shooting when we got back to Chicago.
Well, I just got off the phone with a local range and was kindly informed that - thanks to the fucking terrorists - they not only don't lend guns out anymore but now you need all kinds of gun-related credentials to play with firearms. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm no gun person, I think they're evil things and society would be far better off without them but I'm still a guy at heart and as such enjoy shooting shit.
Today's links:
Video evidence that robots aren't even close to replacing cats yet.
This guy should go buy a lottery ticket right now.
Saddening and a little disturbing - for fashion!
I was hoping mine would turn out to be Hagar the Horrible but I guess that one's taken.
This girl is cool as all get out. This is why she's dressed like that.
113001
Crazy people are great. The world would be a lot less interesting without the guy in the park singing opera to the birds or the strange man that smells like pee and screams passages from the bible at the sky.
Today's links:
Art? Or just high quality entertainment for the whole family? (Mouseover their heads, the faster the better...)
Does it hurt getting your head cut off?
One idiot kills another. Simple. Funny?
Some people pay extra for things like this...
I smashed mine open when I was a kid. Made a mess, got in trouble.
This is pretty funny. To me.
OK, I missed the boat on this one but it is still good.
112901
Went swimming again today. Did more laps than yesterday and felt even better afterwards. Swimming is great.
Today's links:
Something to read if you are in a band or have friends in a band.
Those are some very, very wired babies.
Cook County (where I now live) is syphil-errific!
Wait... is that Britney's ass?
The ultimate Xmas gift for the germophobe on your list.
112801
Finally went swimming at that pool today. It was great. Had nearly the whole pool to myself and I swam until my arms felt like jelly.
On the way home I picked up some champagne because I'm in a good mood.
This is what it looks like outside my window right now.
Today's links:
Just funny.
As many web culture references as could possibly fit.
Unbelievably nasty. But funny all the same.
Shocker.
Ha ha ha.
112601
I'm back from Peoria now. It is like my life took a week off, quite nice.
Today's links:
Like Buffy? Like swearing? Buffy swearing.
Like psycho kittens? Like the game Snake? Like seizure inducing flashing and techno music? Psycho Techno Hypno Kitten Snake.
Holiday shopping has begun.
I don't want to say it serves them right but... It serves them right.
111901
I was laying in bed last night, unable to sleep, and I think I came a little closer to understanding the nature of the universe.
It has always bothered me that the universe can't have a beginning (space, not time...) or an end, something I've always had a hard time grasping. Anyway, last night I finally 'got' the whole concept of a void, the idea of null space was something I hadn't delved very deeply into before. Anway, if space is null then there doesn't need to be a beginning or an end. Outside of physical matter contained in the universe there is no existence.
Cowboy Bebop's final episode is next weekend. If you haven't been watching it up to this point, you've been missing out. The 26 episode run starts again the week after that, late night, Sundays, Cartoon Network.
A while ago I tried to institute the use of the phrase, "Baby Bear's porridge" meaning something that is just right. It was to be used as an exclamation but I guess it never really caught on.
No links today or for the rest of this week as I am going down to Peoria (IL) to spend the week with Keri's family.
111701
Having something of a rough day today. I woke up this morning, remembered something important and then promptly forgot it again. I have spent most of the day agonizing over what it might have been. It feels like it was probably quite important.
Missed the Superchunk show last night (much to my dismay) but found a new favorite bar, Danny's over in Bucktown. It is sweet as fuck.
Looking forward to the Leonid meteor shower tonight!
Today's links:
I'm left-handed but I'm not a transsexual.
Great cat distractions. Even Frank liked them and he generally doesn't like anything.
No point. No point at all...
111601
I got my hair cut today. It feels a lot shorter, which makes sense because I guess it is.
Today's links:
Shred this page. If you keep refreshing eventually you get some pretty cool looking shit.
These are pretty funny. Variations on fairy tales.
Seems like this would be cool. I'm working on an unstable machine right now though and am afraid to install non-standard stuff.
Best music and concept ever for a video game.
A yuppie toy that even I want!
One of the saddest things I've ever read. And they say animals don't feel...
111401
I was reading my book (The Elephant Vanishes, Murakami) and the main character in one of the stories (it is a short story collection...) is talking about going for a swim. I am so impressionable, so easily led, so open to suggestion that I showered, did a half hour of research to find the closest pool to me then walked a mile and a bit to go look at it.
I didn't actually go swimming but now I know where it is next time I feel like going.
Today's links:
This is rife in downtown Chicago and really pisses me off.
Crap Flash. An oldie but a goodie.
Parallels between us and them.
Apparently middle-aged bankers and lawyers don't like inciting fear. Maybe they should leave the leather chaps at home then?
All below from Mister Pants:
Sacri-licious.
Wig suit. I want one.
Your message carved in cheese.
111301
I think it might be too cold outside to ride my bike today. I'm not sure though as I haven't left the apartment yet.
True story:
When I was four my parents took me to the South of France for a holiday. We were out on the beach one day when I saw a group of kids around my age playing by the water; I wandered over, by myself, to make some new friends. When I got closer I realized they were speaking a different language, on reflection probably French. This didn't stop me from wanting to make friends, I started chasing one of the smaller kids because he ran away when I tried to talk to him. I guess I was kind of big for my age. Some of the older kids must have thought my chasing was an act of aggression; they tackled me, pinned my arm behind my back and one of them ran off to get a parent.
I started crying. I didn't understand why they were being mean to me. I managed to squirm loose and ran back to my parents, tears streaming down my face.
I guess that's why I don't like French people. Ha ha ha.
Today's links:
Michael Jackson through the years.
While the cat's away the mice will play. When the cat is driven out by the Northern Alliance the mice will shave off their beards and watch TV. - NYT link.
Scottish dog barks, courts offer to kill it.
I like the Pope, the Pope does coke. - Disclaimer - If the current Pope actually did cocaine it wouldn't make me like him any more or less.
Someone else does this whole diary thing better than I do.
Lots of trouble over on Mefi. (I'm TiggleTaggleTiger)
111201
I wish I had a job so I could afford to buy a DVR. And Christmas presents.
Today's links:
Won't stop me from flying. I'm going back to GB to see the fam for a few weeks this Xmas. I am a bit more nervous about the flight but not overly stressed. Of course, now I've said that my plane will probably crash. Shit.
The longest tongue in the world belongs to a 12-year-old German girl.
This is why I'm being cremated.
111101
In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields
*Marc pauses for moment of silence*
Today's links:
Best cat remembering game ever!
Idiots still breeding despite my recommendations.
More extremely silly Flash.
111001
Today is a nothing day. Not a whole lot going on. Which shouldn't strike anyone as unusual as I'm broke and jobless.
Today's links:
Take two marginally funny web fads and combine them. Result.
Not that I need them or anything but these seem like a good idea.
110901
It has dawned on me that I'm probably not going to get a job before January. If you know of anyone that needs any web design work done; I know of a guy that is OK at it and needs to pay rent...
Today's links:
Michael Jackson is a mentally ill twat.
Awful and brilliant at the same time. Or just awful.
OK, that last one was silly but this one is really cool.
Maybe I should do something useful with my time off. Like this!
Southerners... and they wonder why people make fun of them.
110801
The cats have got a new trick for getting us out of bed. They have figured out that knocking the (non-cordless) phone out of its cradle makes it beep loud. It beats what Frank used to do; hopping up onto the dresser and knocking items off one by one, pausing between each thing and looking at us like, "are you going to get up now or do I have to knock this down too?"
Today's links:
Some curmudgeon gloating over my predicament. Bastard.
German tigers getting their hump on.
Validation for my lifestyle.
Prince Charles gets the slapping he so rightly deserves. - Picture
110601
I was racing down the lakeshore on my bike this afternoon and I saw someone coming the opposite direction; also on a bike. As they got closer I noticed that they were grinning like a maniac. I paused for a moment and realized I was too.
Cycling is great.
A bit later on as I was fighting the wind I paused and noticed that I was growling.
Today's links:
War trading cards - one of the saddest things I've seen in a long time.
How skinny is too skinny?
This story cuts a bit close to the bone right now. (NYTimes link)
110301
2:00AM, just got back from a show, The Standard, The Shins, and Preston School of Industry. The Shins and The Standard absolutely kicked ass but PSOI were a bit lame. I've got a new favorite venue too, the Double Door. If the bookers there were half as good as the folks at the hot, sweaty Metro, I'd never, ever go back to Metro.
I'm drunk. Did any of that make sense?
110201
I guess I'm more fucked than I thought I was.
I hear Starbuck's is an OK place to work...
110101
White Rabbit, White Rabbit, White Rabbit.
103101
Halloween goodies from Modern Humorist.
103001
I've just had a day from hell. Dropped my ficus tree down the stairs trying to get it here from Keri's twin Sister's place, breaking the pot and almost killing Keri in the process. Had a nasty, female, German cop call me an asshole for parking a Uhaul in the middle of the street, and just basically spent most of the day on the verge of tears. Frustration; it's a bitch. I needed something to cheer me up, these links did so admirably. Them and the beer...
A cat explaining why Judo is better than Karate: Karate being more kicks and punches, Judo being more throws and grapples...
100 things to consider if you ever become an Evil Overlord.
I might add that although I still don't have a job, I am smiling right now. Thank you booze. Thank you Internet.
102901
Cowboy Bebop is the best show on television. Cartoon Network, late Sundays; not for much longer though.
102701
OK, it is 2:00AM and I just got back from a show. I don't want to say "most amazing show ever" but it was really, really good. We went to see Explosions in the Sky and And You Will Know Us From the Trail of Dead at the Abbey. First show in a long time where I've been able to sit down, first show in a long time where I haven't been uncomfortably hot (thanks Metro...), first show in a long time where I've really had a good time listening to the music and watching the crowd. If they come to your town, go see them.
102501
Shit, so much has happened since last I wrote... Where to start? Well, I mentioned another round of layoffs at Disney last I wrote; those spread further and ended up taking me and most of my division with it. So, now I'm unemployed again. In Chicago.
Yes, you heard me right, I left Seattle. I know, I know, I loved Seattle but I guess it was time to go. Keri was sad there because she missed her family, I was sad there because I kept getting laid off. I had originally thought there would be a better tech job market in Chicago. How wrong was I? I've been here almost two months now and there doesn't seem to be that much out there. Keri has been here three months and hasn't found anything either. Thankfully Disney was very kind to me when I left (three months severance...) and I get decent government cheese. I'll be alright for a while.
In the meantime I'm writing some short stories. I was going to write a novel but that was way too daunting a task. I was riding my bike a fair bit too but it is getting cold now. Not looking forward to the Winter here, maybe I'll jet off somewhere tropical. Ha ha ha. We got a new cat, his name is Marmite, he's black, he's a spaz, he's a year old. I'll get pictures of him up soon. I still think about Kaia all the time and it still hurts a lot.
I exposed myself to the Real World cameras one night a few weeks ago, wait for that one on an uncensored highlights tape.
030701
Well, it has been an eventful few weeks. Not in a good way though. I guess the most significant thing that has happened has been the death of Kaia. She was jumping down off a bookcase and landed wrong. I think she broke her neck or her back. I heard her land and yelp and I ran in to see what was wrong. She was on her side, on the floor, not moving. Her eyes were open and she was breathing/growling/purring. I lost it. I didn't know what to do so I stroked her and cried and told her it was going to be OK while Keri called the emergency vet, trying to keep herself together. Kaia stopped breathing before Keri was even off the phone with the vet but we took her anyway. They told us what we already knew.
It hurt so much.
I have never had anything or anyone really close to me die before and I had no idea how much it hurts. It is almost four days later and the physical and emotional pain caused by Kaia not being with me anymore are still almost crippling.
Accidents aren't supposed to end like that. You have an accident, you get up and shake it off. You don't die.
Cats aren't supposed to be clumsy. Cats are supposed to land on their feet.
I took Monday off and wept all day. I'm back at work now but I still have to go the bathroom a couple of times a day to let it out.
I feel like I have no right to be sad. I don't want to tell anyone about it because I'm scared that they won't understand. Kaia has been with me for just over four years now and helped me through some of the hardest times of my life, been the one stable, happy thing in my life through that period. She was an incredibly sweet cat, a provider of unconditional love, a private confessional booth, a friend, somebody warm to curl up next to on nights I thought I would be alone, a constant source of entertainment... I can't imagine how my life will ever be the same without her. I know it will though. Every day it gets a little bit easier.
In other news, there were a bunch of Mardi Gras riots, a huge (incredibly cool) earthquake, another round of layoffs at my company, and Keri's birthday (24).
I'm getting another tattoo next week.
01242001 - Fuck me! It is 2001! Who would have thought I would have lasted this long? Not me, that's for sure. I work for Disney now, after suffering an utterly humiliating, soul-destroying, stock-option-making-worthlessizing stint at InfoMedX. InfoMedX is no longer a company and the stock options that were going to buy me my island are now good for nothing other than wiping my ass with. I had them print the options on soft paper so I can do just that. Disney is cool though. Still programming... Working with cool people in a cool building in a cool part of town. Very few complaints right now.
Except I don't get enough sleep.
I never get enough sleep...
Anyway, learning lots of cool new stuff so when I get a spare minute (read: never) I will update this site a bit and impress you all.
06292000 - OK, I decided to get rid of the side-scrolling deal, it was a pain in the ass. I like this new format much better. I need to update this section more often. too many other things I need to do though... Feedback form is broken again, something about me and forms, they just don't like me.
05232000 - I finally got the contact form working properly, in the end I had to use a Perl script that is hosted off-site because the CGI-BIN settings of my host are all wonky. So, you can send me rude e-mails pretty much anonymously from the site now:) I also managed to get my webcam up and running for a good four hours yesterday, then it went down again, turns out the problem wasn't with me at all, it is with my host - again... Nothing much is new and exciting in my life right now, hot a bit of a slump, haven't been running in five days now and the weather has been great, go fig. Going to England for a week beginning of June, then when I get back me and a friend are going to go paragliding. Damn straight I will have pictures of that up... Hmmm, the site is slowly but surely coming together now. I am pleased.
05022000 - Nothing ever dies until it is forgotten - don't know who said that but it is true in a way. I forgot to mention that I went whitewater rafting this weekend. It was sweet, if a little chilly towards the end.
05012000 - "As soon as you're born you start dying... so you might as well have a good time..." Today is May Day, I didn't celebrate it because I don't think much happens here. When I used to live in England it was great. On May 1 the pubs open at 4:00AM in Oxford and everyone either stays up all night or gets up really early to get drunk, events come to a head between 6:00AM and 8:00AM when the choristers (sp?) sing on top of Christchurch tower to the throngs of people below on Magdalen bridge. It is great. If you ever happen to be in GB on May 1, go check it out.
04272000 - Go back to the home page and click and drag the 'M' with horns... Well, the weather *has* been really nice but today it is crappy which means I am putting off going for my jog hoping for a sun break at some point. Wishful thinking at its finest. I am going to use the same technology that I used for the front page to make a dress-up Marc doll. should be lots of fun, should be up sometime next week. I haven't been very philosophical of late because I have been busy with work. I'll come back when I feel like bitching about something.
04202000 - It is a blindingly gorgeous day here in the Puget Sound area. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and the air is thick with the scent of a million blossoms. The cats are sitting in the window looking forlorn which makes me wonder a little. Do you think cats dream; not dream while they are asleep, that is pretty much a given, I mean hopes and dreams, little kitty aspirations. I can imagine Frankie (orange) plotting the demise of his sadistic human captors (me and Keri) and escaping to run wild with his brethren, to kill his own food and frolic in an ecstasy of pure bliss under the warm Springtime sun. Of course if he ever did get out he would last maybe five minutes. Too many cars around here. I go jogging a lot and almost get killed every day. Seattle people are really nice but they can't drive for shit. That's why I don't own a car, well, that and I had to sell it to pay first month's rent on this place, and I work at home so I don't really need it... Weather like this reminds me of Florida. Or maybe it is the time of the year, normally I would have taken the annual trip down for Spring Break by now but not this year, I'm a grown up now... Which also explains why I'm not celebrating today (4/20) as I do most years. Being a grown up sucks.
04192000 - Well, here I go again. This page is going to be a lot like Remote Controlled Marc was (god rest its sweet departed soul) only without you, the general public, telling me what to do. It will just be a collection of random thoughts and observations, like any one of the millions and millions of weblogs and diaries out there already, only mine will be better because sometimes I can be kind of funny. I said sometimes. I thought it would be interesting to experiment with a side-scrolling dealy, if it proves to be too hard to read then I will change it to a more conventional format. This won't be a daily thing, I will be writing when I feel like it.
All of the content below is from Remote Controlled Marc - a thing I did back in the day that gave people a number of choices of actions to vote for, actions that I would then perform. Everything from kissing cats to buying Depends and peeing in them. It was hella fun.
11.3.99 - The urge to write has struck me again. I don't care anymore if there is anyone out there to read this, I am writing this for me. My own therapy, my own release.
I have been having panic attacks recently, I get short of breath and my heart starts to race. I think I know why. I realized the other day that I am a grown-up. I'm not messing around anymore, this is for real. I have a job, an apartment, a girlfriend I live with. I'm not in school anymore, this isn't practice, this is my life. I go to work every day, I come home every night. I get two weeks vacation every year. This is how it will be for a long, long time. This is how most people live their life, I always took it for granted that mine would be different, thought that I was special in some way. How silly I feel now. Trapped in the same routine, lifeless, boring existence I once laughed at.
This is something I have given quite a lot of thought to. In college things are very different, you have a very clearly defined goal (graduation) with lots of breaks and help to make it easier. Life is nothing like that. You don't stop, you don't stop at all. You get an hour or two of your own every day where you aren't eating or sleeping (I generally spend mine fretting about how much real life sucks) and nobody is here to help you. They are all too busy, too wrapped up in their own petty crap. And what of the goal? Retirement at sixty if you are lucky, if you were smart enough to save enough to retire on, if you don't get killed somewhere along the way. And why not get killed? You can spend your entire life trying, reaching, striving, clawing for the elusive permanent happiness that everybody knows that nobody gets. You spend your whole life reaching for this impossible goal and by the time you actually are able to sit back, take a breath, relax for a moment, you are too crippled by the arthritis that has grown in your joints, too cloudy and confused thanks to the Alzheimer's that has crept into your brain. What is the point of it all??? I see people scurrying off to work, leaving home in the morning in the dark, coming home at night in the dark, living like moles for the scrap of a paycheck that their employer throws at them. What am I saying? I see myself doing these things and it makes me sick. I don't see another choice though. I want to stay home, I want to wake up at noon with my beautiful girlfriend by my side and my two sweet little cats curled up at my feet. I want to have my time as my own. It doesn't work that way though. I have rent to pay so that I don't have to live on the street, I have gas to pay for so that my apartment will be warm when I get home at night. I have food to pay for so that my belly will be full when I leave for work in the morning. I have booze to pay for so that my weekends can be spent numb, so that come Friday night I can forget for a moment, brief though it may be, that I have to start all over again in a couple of days.
I see the alternative, I see those that live on the streets, the men that have dropped out of the game, those that chose to give it all up for a little piece of mind. I see them and that is nearly all that keeps me going. Maybe that is why they let bums sleep on the pavement underneath our feet, allow them to scream at us when we refuse to subsidize their existence with our spare change. Maybe they are allowed to exist as a reminder of what happens if you don't play by the rules. You will do waht we say and if you don't... well, look at what your fate could be, you'll smell like urine and beg other people to pay for your dinner. Who is better off though? Who is more in control of their destiny, the man that sleeps on the street or the man that sleeps between sheets in a warm apartment but has to sell his soul to do so?
I can't believe I am bitching like this. I have it so well. Like I have said in the past, I have an incredible girlfriend, a great apartment, a job that could be a lot, lot worse (i.e. the people I work with are OK and I get to go home at 5:00). I think it is the shock of it all. I wasn't ready for this. No matter how much you prepare, you are never ready for this. I'm scared. I'm sure I will get over it but right now I'm scared. Scared that this is all there is to life, endless toil with minimal free time. Maybe it is and people, everyday people, everyone else out there, has just gotten used to the idea. No, not gotten used to it, resigned themselves to it. What other life is there?
I digress.
I'm not really this sad or this melodramatic or this stressed out by life, I'm just venting. Life is good, I smile a lot, I'm not depressed. Weekend before last I went out, got drunk and grabbed Dave Matthews' ass. I'm still the cheery, happy go lucky Marc I always have been, these feelings and thoughts have just been floating around the back of my head, pissing me off so I figured I would dump them. Sorry if anyone actually read this, sorry if I brought you down, go play with puppies, that'll cheer you up. Or get drunk, that's what I do.
9/7/99 - Well, I made it. I'm living in Seattle now. My A/C died about 30 miles from our place in Champaign so I was forced to drive 2176 miles in life-threatening temperatures(115F through the desert.) The hotel we had booked over the Internet for our arrival turned out to be situated on Aurora Ave, next to a halfway house and lots of prostitutes. Despite a rocky start things are great here. I got a job almost straight away, which, if you followed my adventures before I left Champaign, was a problem for me before. I'm working for an advertising agency out here called Bernard Hodes, my position is Account Coordinator, basically I am a bitch, I place ads, buy media and do what I am told. It is fun though, a huge departure from the creative side of things where I was before. We (Keri and I) have a sweet apartment up on Capitol Hill (the arts and gay area which means we see lots of people with heavily pierced faces and sometimes boys kissing each other on the street, eeewww...) Keri hasn't got a job yet which makes me happy on some level because she supported my lazy ass for three months in Champaign, this gives me a chance to repay the favor. From the front door of our apartment you can see Puget Sound, the Space Needle and the Olympic Range of mountains. My Mum and my brother flew out from England for a two week visit and left last Saturday. It was so nice having them over. We hiked on Mt. Rainier twice, got drunk a lot (my brother and I, not so much my Mum) and went skateboarding a lot (again, my brother and I, not my Mum.) It was great having them over but now that they are gone, I miss them. I went to a website today that has a bunch of pictures of Oxford on it and got all sad. This is the best time of year to be in Oxford, the days are warm and bright, the air is crisp with the delicate scent of bonfires on the breeze (my favorite smell in the world,) the mornings are dewy and the evenings last forever. Still, Seattle is a great place too and it is a million times better than the armpit known as Illinois. It is nice to be in a city but sometimes I miss the peace and quiet of the country (I was raised in the countryside of England and the sub-suburban bits of Calgary, Canada.)
Anyway, life trundles on, I have no idea how it brought me to this point (I know I didn't plan this) and I have no idea where it will take me next, time will tell. I think I will stay in Seattle for a while, it is a cool place to be, the people are super-friendly and the cats seem to like it. I don't imagine I will be doing much with this webpage for a while, unless I get lots of e-mails suggesting I do. People still visit, according to my webstat thing I still get about 10 people a day, probably trickles from the old Cruel.com link. I still watch Dateline sometimes even though I know I shouldn't, I got really mad watching it the other night and wanted to jump online and write something about it then, but it is gone now. I have started drinking again, but only recently, for the first month here we could afford nothing, beer and spirits were a luxury we did without. I am scared to say that I think I might be growing up a little, I haven't done anything stupid in a while, someone needs to give me a nudge. Oh, that isn't entirely true. While my brother was here I learned the sign language alphabet. I know the whole thing fluently. It doesn't do me much good though because Keri refused to learn it with me and now I have nobody to talk to. Maybe I will start doing things again, this writing shit is very theraputic, I had forgotten how much so. Someone send me an e-mail, my new address is marcneedham@hotmail.com.
7.10.99 - Champaign has finally lost its magic for me. I (we, Keri and I) am moving to Seattle in a couple of weeks... I'm only doing it because a couple of people voted for it (kidding.) Ummm, nothing much else is new, I'll write more when I get there, maybe.
5.5.99 - Fifteen others went with me...
There was nothing they could do...
Last week (Wednesday) I finally understood what it meant to be downsized. My division, PrimeSynergy, wasn't doing too well, apparently and I was let go. So were lots of other people but that doesn't make me feel better now. Downsizing, sounds like something you might do at McDonald's if you were trying to lose weight. It is the answer to all of your worries. "What is that?" I hear you all saying, "Marc isn't pissed off about this?" Quite the contrary actually. I have never been happier. I thought I was mad about it, at first. In fact, I barely made it home, I was in shock, scared of what was waiting for me. What would I do now? Where would I go? Who would look after me? How was I going to pay for things? Then I went to Florida. I saw my Dad, drank some beer, shot the shit, lay on a beach with my beautiful, supportive girlfriend and realized just how lucky I really was. I have never felt more alive, more free. My senses are sharper, colors are brighter, food tastes better, life is more fun. And I owe it all to the miracle of unemployment. Honestly. All of a sudden my life is free of stresses, I don't have to go to bed early and get up at 6:00 in the morning. I don't have to sit in front of a computer all day and come home late at night, drained of my will to live. My days are full and exciting now. I get up when I'm not tired anymore, I do what I want to do, I love it, I never want to work again.
Of course, society doesn't work like that. 'The man' wants to kick me down, keep me in his shackles. Well, I say fuck the man. I am going to start a company.
Stop laughing.
I was thinking about it in Florida. I will open a web design company. Lesser people than I have done it and made it work, why couldn't I? We used to have freelencers in at this one place I worked and they were crap, at least I know what I'm doing... Kind of. I am going to offer low priced web design services to smaller companies, selling it with the idea that it makes a lot more sense for me to come in and do it than it does for someone in house to waste company time and money and do a shit job. All I would need would be a web page (I've got an awesome idea for some shockwave stuff, a name and a design scheme) a decent computer, an e-mail address and a hosting deal... This is where Keri stepped in when I first came upon the idea. How can you afford a decent computer? You have enough to pay rent and bills for the next month or so but nowhere near the kind of money you would need to get anything nice. You could use the graphics lab (where I am now) at the University to do some of the work but they close for the Summer, what then?
All seemed lost. I kind of gave up on the idea, but not entirely. I was talking to my chum, Nards, and he mentioned that a mutual friend of our's, Hop, runs a printing company with his Dad. Well, Hop told Nards that their clients, for whom they print brochures and stuff, have been expressing an interest in having websites set up. Nothing fancy, just one-page dealies. Without any foreknowledge of my plans to go into business for myself, Nards said, 'well, that is what Marc does, you should give him a call.' and Hop said, 'well, we were going to contract it out to a local guy, but, gee, you're right, I should give Marc a call.' And thus my most fantabulous idea to date was saved. Maybe... Anyway, I went to a placement agency today because just after firing me the HR Director at my old job said, 'go to these people, they will help you.' and I was shooting the shit with the wopman I was meeting with there. The deal is that you go in, they find out about you and then they market you to local companies, the companies hire you and pay the agency a finder's fee or something. So the woman asks me, 'what are you looking for?' and I ummed and ahhed for a while and I said, 'well, to be honest with you, I want to start my own business.' She was very supportive of the idea, even though it might cost her the commission (sp?) she might get off my being hired by somebody, and she said, 'we were looking into having a webpage done, maybe I could see some of your work and you could do our's for us.' I think she was serious too! So, I figure, I will do little shit like that, charge a minimal fee for it, gather enough venture capital to buy a halfway decent computer and set out on my own.
Marc Needham - Entrepreneur
How cool would that be?
So, if you know anyone that needs a cheap but good design job done on a web page, please tell them to drop me an e-mail. My whole thing with this is that I want it to be a virtual company. People will e-mail me with what they want, I will do the job and send them the results. I won't even meet with the people most of the time. This way I can have global market, if I were to garner a local market then I would be stuck in wherever I was, Champaign in this case which would suck. I could pick up and go whenever I wanted to.
It is a shame I guess, I really did enjoy the work I was doing at PrimeSynergy, and I was doing well too, people liked my work, I liked the people I was working with... Just not to be I suppose. Stupid thing is, I was bitching last update about how my writing sucked as a result of my life being too perfect. A few hours later, bang, I was out on the streets... Serves me right for opening my mouth I guess. Next time I'm happy remind me to be content. What am I saying, I'm happy now, I'm fucking ecstatic now. Has to change though, got to buy groceries with something and a cute ass and sparkling wit will only carry you so far these days.
So vote, I am free again, free to be batted around by your whims, free to write for hours at a time if I please. I'm going off to frolic now because the mood has taken me. Today is Cinco de Mayo so if you are reading this today, get drunk with me, in spirit of course as I will be passed out on a bar floor in Central Illinois and you may be dancing the night away on a yacht in the Gulf of Mexico or drinking your parents' booze in Thunder Bay... Later.
4.28.99 - I'm at work now and I'm going to keep this window open and add stuff throughout the day. So if you read this and it is anything short of a novel, stop back later. Just kidding, of course, if I had it in me to write a novel's worth I would have by now and I would be a celebrated writer, jetting off to exotic locales, writing tales of adventure and intrigue.
I bought the GusGus album last night, 'This is Normal'. It is really good, I am listening to it now. I thought they might have been German but they are actually from Iceland. That's odd, there is a lot of good music that comes out of Iceland and you never really think about the place. I am listening to the album on my CD player because I didn't have time to record it to Minidisc last night. I had forgotten how much CDs suck. They are so big.
Keri and I are going back to Florida tomorrow. Sarasota this time, just for the weekend. My Dad is flying over from England for a holiday and we are going down to say hi. I'm really looking forward to it. I am sick to shit of Illinois weather. It is so unpredictable. Last night we almost had a tornado and it has been raining on and off for two weeks now. I think it is someone's way of telling me that I shouldn't have bought a bike. Florida weather is so much more pleasant. It isn't the sticky heat you get up here. And the seasons in general are so much more pleasant. I have to get out of the Midwest. Anyway, my point was that if you had any suggestions for things for me to do in Florida last time that you didn't think of in time and you want me to do them this time, go ahead and suggest them. Our flight leaves at lunch tomorrow though so do it now.
Speaking of voting (well, I kind of was...) I might really have a script I can use for CGI voting. We use one on the company page and all I have to do is have one of the network guys add tripod.com to the referrers array. I learned how to use Flash 3 yesterday too, so you might be seeing some large changes to this page. Or not. I am essentially a lazy person (the fact that this page was founded to counter) and tend towards the path of least resistance, which is normally sitting on my ass staring off into space, or at a TV. Take now as an example. I am listening to this great CD and the low battery thing is flashing on my CD player. I have new batteries in my desk drawer but I am just too lazy to change them. In fact, once the batteries have run out I will probably sit for a few minutes, headphones still in my ears, listening to silence before I work up the energy to change the batteries.
Laziness is the bane of my existence.
I need to start watching Dateline again so that I have something to bitch about on these pages. Life isn't funny unless there is some anger, conflict or sadness to talk about. Duress makes for good reading. There isn't too much of that in my life these days which is part of the reason I haven't been writing much. Add to that the fact that I am lazy and busy and you are lucky you hear from me at all. Maybe I'll write more today, maybe I won't write again for a month, not knowing is where the excitement comes from:) How does everyone like the new page setup? I was expecting some negative feedback about the frames but haven't had any yet. I still haven't seen my Time Out NY review yet, someone want to mail me a copy?
Go and vote for something, it will do you good.
4.16.99 - Pregnant women are mean.
I work under one (that sounds bad, I mean my boss is pregnant) and she used to be nice but now she's turned mean, same thing happened to another woman I know that got knocked up. Something to do with hormones I guess. That is such crap, why do women get to blame their foul moods on hormone imbalances?
"Why are you throwing things at me????"
"I'm on my period, deal with it..."
Actually I'm lucky enough to have a girlfriend that isn't too severely affected by the red monster. A journalism teacher of mine said that it was a cultural thing, women in countries outside the West don't get the mood swings with their periods. People, apparently, have hypothesized that it is just a release for the anger and general crappiness that builds up inside a woman every month. The moods have nothing to do with hormones, it is just a culturally programmed excuse to be a bitch. I believe it.
I can see how the same thing could apply to pregnant women. Society tells women that when they are pregnant, people are supposed to be nice to them and do as they say. I have a problem with authority figures (apparently) and so my boss is probably being mean to me because I will not bend to her estrogen-adled will. I am the same way when I get sick, which I am right now, I have the worst cold I have ever had, constant sneezing, snot oozing out of my nose and mouth 24/7, horrible pains all over my body, it is great fun. Anyway, I get shitty when I'm sick, I am really rude to everyone but at the same time I expect to be treated with delicacy and kindness. Normally doesn't work out and I end up sulking in the corner. Ooh, that is what I did... People keep voting for me to do something mean to someone. I did something mean to myself, I got sick. Not to say that I could have avoided it or anything but it is really horrible and I'm sure in some way it is my fault (I knew I shouldn't have eaten that sandwich I found in the garbage.)
It is the weekend now (almost) and I get to wash the nasty critters out of my body with a hard stream of alcohol. We (Keri, her sister, and I) went to U of Iowa last weekend to visit their brother, I drank way too much vodka, fell over a lot, hassled some cops, and ate a big burrito. It was great, I have an eery feeling that I only went to the excesses I did in a feeble effort to cling to the youth that is slipping away so fast now. I saw The Matrix too, that movie is fucking incredible, I'm going to go and see it again tonight. If you haven't seen it yet, go now, put down whatever you are doing and run, don't walk, to the theater. You will know what I'm talking about after you see it.
The time has come now for me to go home, I have to clean the apartment before we can go out tonight, Keri's Mum is coming down this weekend.
A guy from MTV sent me a poem, along with a vote for me to write a new poem. Rather than go to the trouble of writing one, I will recount his to you;
Goofy goofy Grover
his fur is long and blue
I searched for him all over
but only found his poo
Is that not the funniest thing ever, I nearly peed when I read it. Anyway, I have a bottle of Ketel One and a bottle of Smirnoff in my freezer that are calling my name...
Marc, Marc, come drink us...
4.8.99 - I'm bored so I figured I would write something.
Everybody rejoice, Frank is OK. My cat, that I thought was sick, was rushed to the vet on Tuesday night, turns out he was fine. Better safe than sorry though, right? I have half an hour until I can leave and nothing to do, any suggestions? I surfed the web for a while, caught up on the issues of The Onion that I forgot to read and now I'm bored. Two days from now I will be swamped with shit but right now I have nothing to do.
A friend of mine (Chris Burley - great guy)is being nice and letting me borrow his bike for the rest of the week. I am going to test the water tomorrow, ride it to work and make sure it is something I want to do before I go out and buy one.
Has anyone else noticed that my writing hasn't been nearly as witty or insightful since that time I spent away? I think it is this new job, they are sapping all of my creativity, I am a whore, selling my talents to the highest bidder. I feel so used. So cheap. I would much rather give the stuff away but making myself happy doesn't pay the bills. How sad is that? I was thinking about that the other day, how I am just starting out on the whole career path dealy and I already think it sucks. I work every day from 8:00 AM until 5:00 PM and all I want to do when I get home is sleep. What happens when I have kids, what time do I spend with them? Where is my life? Will I have a life? Don't get me wrong, I love my job, it is the job of my dreams, but I want it to stay just that, a job. Not a life. I need a bike, I think the extra half hour of solitude and quiet reflection would help me a lot.
That brings me to another point, I never told you guys what I do now, did I? My title is Marketing Specialist but I prefer to go by Super Creative Multi-tasking God, because that really fits what I do better. The company I work for (PrimeSynergy) is a subsidiary part of a big pre-press publishing company. we do all of the technological stuff, web sites, multimedia development, computer-assisted training, etc... I am in charge of all of the marketing materials. I design and build websites for us and our customers (check out PrimeSynergy's and a St. Lucian tour company's working site) design brochures, write copy, come up with innovative ways to make things happen. Most days I run around the office at a million miles a minute telling people what to do, making things in Photoshop, sketching out rough drafts for something, and smiling politely. I am a star and just like everybody else in the world, I am underpaid and underappreciated. I like it though, it is kind of what I've always wanted to do which is scary. Where do I go from here, I reached my goal at age 24... Shit. Keri and I went on Spring Break in March and it looks like we are going back down to Florida again this month. My Dad is flying over from England for a holiday in Sarasota so I am going to fly down for a weekend to see him. I love my family but I never get to see them, one of the hazards of living 3,000 miles away I guess.
I found another CGI script that I can use for the voting stuff and if I get some time tomorrow I will throw that back up, people are so weird about sending e-mail to me. It's not like I'm going to sell your e-mail address to a mailing list company or anything. Thanks for all of the nice things people said to me about my article in Time Out, I still have yet to see a copy though so if you are feeling exceptionally cool, send me one. I'm sorry I have been so boring recently, I will catch up on my sleep and do something stupid really soon, god knows I need to. Go and vote.
4.6.99 - I must miss this or something. I keep coming back...
I was having a pretty good week yesterday but now it is starting to suck. I have this theory about life running in cycles. Good is generally followed by bad, light by dark, and vice-versa. You have good days, you have bad days, you have good years, you have bad years. It all balances out. For this reason, I get a little nervous every time I find myself too happy. I have a good life. A great apartment, a beautiful girlfriend, a fantastic job, nice cats, a loving family, enough money to pay the bills (the important ones) and a car that runs. So it figures that bad things happen to me sometimes. Whether it is the police kicking in my door and forcing me to the ground with machine guns (that really happened) or not having enough change for a candy bar at a vending machine, things balance out.
The most recent addition to the bad things in Marc's life file is the health of Frank, the orange cat. As you may, or may not know he has a narrow urethra, it gets blocked occassionally and if we don't notice it and get him to the vet soon enough he can die. We have had to take him in three times thus far, it costs about $150-$250 depending on what they have to do each time. A lot of people have still been voting for stuff and one of the more frequent votes is for me to get into my cats' heads. So I did (although I don't write about it anymore, I quite often tabulate the votes and do as you say still.) Last night I noticed he was unhappy, climbing into his litter box, scratching around, meowing, climbing out, typical behaviour when he is blocked. I really hope he isn't blocked again, poor little bastard.
Last time we took him in the vet suggested that he might need an operation, one in which they remove the end of his little penis and splay it out a bit. We decided against it because it is incredibly expensive, sounds extremely nasty and we really didn't think this was going to be a big problem. I just want him to be OK. But this is my great equalizer. This is the event that is going to level my karma or whatever. If he has to have the operation I am going to be broke for a while and that sucks. You need stuff like that though, the bad times amke the good times seem that much better. If you had never been sad how would you know you were happy? I just wish this one wasn't coming at the expense of Frank's well-being.
I learned a lesson today too. My Grandfather hadn't spoken to his Brother in almost thirty years because of a dispute that they had. Recently my Mum convinced him to get in touch with him and bury the hatchet, he agreed to and my Mum found a number for him. She called to speak to him but his wife answered and it turns out that he died last year of bowel cancer. My Grandfather doesn't know yet and my Mum isn't sure how to tell him. I can't even fathom how sad that would be.
The lesson is that you shouldn't let petty things ruin the important relationships in your life, you never know what might happen... I have to get back to work now, I'll be writing more often for the next couple of weeks because some major projects have cleared out. I will try to be a little more jovial tomorrow, I am kind of spacey today, sorry. Go and vote for something, who knows, I might find a free minute to do it.
4.2.99 - I was driving around at lunch today and I saw something really sad, or something that really saddened me. Off to the side of the road there was a baby squirrel, huddled up and not moving much. As I got closer you could see that he had been hit by a car and was in a lot of pain and would die, eventually. It just made me so sad, this poor little thing has no idea why he's suffering like that, intense pain and death should never come that early in life, for anything. All at once it made me feel tremendously sad and very sick, deep in my guts. What if it had been a small child, would people have driven past? Life and all of its inequities make me want to puke sometimes.
Did I sound like a teenager just then? A disillusioned perfectionist? Sorry.
3.26.99 - Well what do you know??? People still come here. I had pretty much given up on the whole thing but I got a few e-mails mentioning that I was in some article in Time Out Magazine. Go figure:) I thought I should add something current just for the people that haven't been here before. Things are still going amazingly well (*touch wood*) and I am still pretty happy. Keri and I had a fantastic time down in St. Pete's Beach. There were a lot of old people there to begin with but they were pretty much gone after the first couple of days. Either that or I learned to ignore them REALLY well... I have a nice golden-brown glow now which makes life easier. Thank you Shelly for your advice, you are a star. Frankie is better now (*touch wood, again*) and Kaia is thrilled to have him back. My job is a mixed bag. It is exactly what I have pretty much always wanted to do, lots of creative work, designing web pages and brochures and such, but I am really busy all of the time. I have six things on the boil right now and while at work I barely have time to breath. That is why I haven't been updating this page, I know, I'm a sell-out, but I do get paid pretty well for it... I want to buy a bike, and have added that to the voting list (or will shortly after writing this) so if you know of anyone with a bike for sale, tell me. I'm looking for a front-suspension mountain bike in decent shape for under $200... It's my 24th birthday tomorrow so finding me a bike could be your present to me! I can't believe I am turning 24, I never imagined I would make it this far. Keri, a few friends and I are going up to Chicago tomorrow night to get drunk and silly, should be fun.
I have another favor to ask, somebody mail me a copy of Time Out magazine, I don't think I can get it here and this is the first time I've been in a magazine. I have to go and do some work now but if anyone can do either of those things for me, I would be eternally grateful.
Bye.
2.28.99 - Sorry. Can I say anything but? My new job is going really well, trouble is, I can't log onto the students server from behind my new firewall... that means that not only have I not updated this page in two weeks, I also hadn't checked my e-mail. To get around this fact, and the fact that this page will be closed by the University within a week or so, I have set up a mirror site and a different e-mail. My new e-mail is marcneedham@hotmail.com and the new address of this site will be www.members.tripod.com/rcmarc/rcmarc.html The new site sucks for now. It is full of incredibly annoying pop-up ads, missing pictures and other glitches. I will work on it in my (almost non-existent) free time. So, reset your bookmarks there or whatever... I will do something, or something, if I can't figure the whole thing out then I might just give up, it's not like I don't have enough stress in my life already. My new job is pretty sweet, I have been doing web design stuff for the most part (just finished www.primesynergy.com) but my official title is Marketing Specialist and I think I am going to be doing more of other stuff soon.
Spring Break is just a few weeks away and I am pee-your-pants excited about that. We are going down to St. Pete's Beach and it looksl ike it is going to kick ass. If I am still doing the page when I get back, I will fill you all in.
Valentine's Day was great, I sent Keri on a scavenger hunt of sorts, picking up clues that led to hidden gifts and more clues, I think she had fun, it ended with a picnic in the park on a day that was much too cold for a picnic. She bought me a really nice sculpture of a stylized dancing couple, very sweet.
Frankie is sick, again. I noticed that he wasn't peeing properly so we took him to the vet. Turns out he had another blocked urethra, he went under sedation yesterday and it popped out, we have to pick him up later today. Poor little guy. In the meantime, Kaia has been ecstatic, running around the apartment like a lunatic, revelling in the extra attention she is getting and feeling safe in the knowledge that nobody is going to jump on her head and wrestle her to the ground. Keri thinks she is lonely and looking for Frankie, I think she is happy for the peace and quiet.
I tried to update the page a little bit today by adding a really cool header bar but it didn't work. Oh well.
I am going to go and work on the tripod page now, remember, don't come here anymore, go there instead... If you're going to vote, do it by sending e-mail to marcneedham@hotmail.com
2.11.99 - I am lying to you. I am actually writing this update last night. That is, Wednesday night. Fate has seen fit to land me in the computer lab late at night (8:30, late by my standards) and I thought I might as well write this now, especially considering my plans for tomorrow. What are my plans for tomorrow (Thursday)? I am going to sleep in until noon, crawl out of bed, throw on a robe and watch talk shows all day. After all, I have a job to go to on Monday, this is the last time I might ever get to do this. So, while you are all at work (I'm assuming most of you are wasting valuable corporate time reading this crap,) I will be at home, munching on junk food and relaxing. Sucks to be you.
Less of the gloating, sorry. I do have a purpose for writing this, I did something. I updated my web page. I was kind of forced to. I got a letter today from the University of Illinois Alumni Association telling me that I needed written permission to use their logo and I must stop now or legal action will be taken against me. So I changed it. It used to be the bit to the left of my buttons, I took the bottons down, swirled them in Adobe and threw it back up. In your face Alumni Association. Just for that, I'm not going to join, they can look elsewhere for funding. Want to put up a Marc J. Needham Wing on the library? Tough Shit. Stupid thing is, I made the buttons for a Psych professor's research site and called the Association to ask if it was OK to use them, they said it was fine.
I also put some pictures up, you know the ones I'm talking about. And, I did a little more work on the Spring Break page, I am really excited about it now, it is going to be sweet. I'll put a link to it up when it is closer to completion. Remember those 'Under Construction' banners people used to put up on their web sites, like they were going to sit back one day and be like, 'Well, now I'm done.' Those were so silly.
I have to go home to bed now, hope you are all enjoying your day, I know I am, ha ha ha ha ha. Go and vote, using the mailto links still because I obviously haven't gotten around to fixing the CGI shit.
2.10.99 - Sweeping changes are soon to come to this page. I got a job today and as a result I will no longer be making daily updates. I am making this change not only because of the job but also because I feel that the quality of the site's content has been on a downhill slide. My updates are tedious at best and most are without point. I think my writing will improve if I write once every two or three days, it will give me a chance to breathe between updates, a chance to think of new, wackier things to do. Change #2 won't come for a few weeks yet but I am preparing for it now. The University is going to shut my site down. It is nothing to do with the raunchy (ha ha) content, I just haven't been a student for a couple of months now and they don't like giving free web access, e-mail and server space to random alumni. I have started work on a mirror site on Tripod, I will post the address and start weaning you all off this address soon. I do have some good stuff coming too so stop crying. I am currently in the development stages of a all singing, all dancing, Spring Break voting page extravaganza. A new side page where you will be able to vote for Spring Break specific activities. Things like eating bizarre tropical dishes (someone already suggested shark's fin soup) and doing naughty things in the sand. That will go up once I get a decent voting list compiled. And, as some of you may have noticed, my CGI script is broken, cgiforme are bastards and they keep messing with my shit, why won't they just leave it alone??? I will get it fixed soon though, use the mailto link balls for now, yes, they still work. 'Tell us more about your job Marc'
OK, I got the one at the publishing company, I am their new marketing specialist. They diversified their services to include some web stuff recently and they need someone to go in and knock together some kind of cohesive corporate image. Lots of responsibilty but I think I can do it. Wish me luck.
I won another award today, it is a page of shame dealy but I don't think I am going to put it up because it isn't that special. Something else of interest, I got the pictures back. You know, the ones with me kissing my cat. I will most likely be visiting a lab tonight, one with a scanner, one where I will be able to put the pictures up for you.
Keep voting, I will do something soon and write about it shortly thereafter. I have something really cool planned for Valentine's Day that I will tell you about on Monday, I would tell you now but that would ruin the surprise for Keri.
2.8.99 - I am writing this blind in that the students server is down as I write this and I can't see it on the web. Sorry if it looks crappy, you will just have to deal with it.
Thank you to all of you that voted for me to get drunk on Friday, I did as you asked. The new bar in town, Orchid, has a hefty cover, to thin the crowds a little according to the staff. Anyway, the cover kicks in at 10:00 pm and I thought it would be a good idea to go before 10:00 and beat the cover. I was wrong. I had a few beers before we left and a bunch more in the bar, I never realized how quickly I drink. I ran into an old friend in Orchid who is apparently working there now and he said we don't need to come so early next time, just call him and he will have us put on the list.. Anyway, by the end of the night I was barely standing, it was fun. I didn't puke or do anything noteworthy although I suspect the beer is the reason for my mild constipation on Saturday and for that reason have decided to only drink vodka from now on. That is what I did Saturday night. Drank vodka. Trouble with vodka is (I rode the martini fad a few years ago) it has a nasty habit of making me fall over, so I need to be careful with it.
The weather is great and I think I have a job that might start this week so I need to go and take full advantage of my last few moments of absolute freedom. I am looking for ideas for Spring Break voting options right now as I think I will do a special 'edition'. Things like sex on the beach, parasailing, cooking and eating one of those nasty sea anenome (how do you spell that) things... shit like that. My writing is poor today because I am still asleep, my apologies. I have to go and be stupid elsewhere now. Go and vote.
2.5.99 - I think I might give blood today. The YMCA across from Lincoln Hall has a blood drive placard outside and I am feeling generous. Giving blood always makes me feel like a good person, it also gives me a cool, light-headed feeling. Add that to the fact that I want to get really drunk tonight and the less blood I have, the more drunk I will get and it really starts to make sense.
I had another interview with that publishing company today and I think I might have it, I should know by Monday... It sounds like a really sweet position, I would be the marketing guy and would be doing everything from web design to corporate image stuff. There is an ad agency that I would also like to work for but they haven't called back yet. The only problem I see with the publishing place is as follows. I was driving to the interview this afternoon and was a little early so figured I would drive around the block. As I drove past the place I noticed a guy standing by the side of the road, late 30's, heavy beard. This wouldn't be so odd but he was just standing there playing what looked like a little tin whistle to cars as they went past. I laughed it off and figured that he was just some lunatic that was on day-release from a local nuthouse, I was wrong though. When I pulled back around to the building and into the parking lot it appeared that he was finished. I went inside still not thinking too much about it all, but then I was standing in the lobby and he walked in! And the receptionist called him by name. He works there. I wanted to say something to the person I was interviewing with but figured he might be the CEO or something and just a little eccentric. If anyone from said company is reading this, please don't be offended, it just struck me as odd.
The whole thing is made even more peculiar by the fact that a couple of days ago someone made the suggestion that I learn to play a new instrument and commented that it should be a tin whistle or something like that and that I should pull it out and play it at odd times, like in elevators and stuff. Could it be that it was that guy that suggested that?
Another secret message to Denise; most of the friends I am talking about calling live in England, or too far away to come and visit my apartment. Nice idea though...
Everyone should go and vote now. If you are voting on Friday then you should make a point of voting for me to get drunk because I am going to do that tonight anyway and then you can pretend that I did it because you told me to. No, really though, I will have a job soon which will mean that I will be able to afford to do some of the things I have been putting off because it meant spending money. Of course, I won't have the time to write such lavish, wonderful updates, maybe I will have to switch to every other day...
2.4.99 - Today I'm typing on a funny surface that makes it difficult to spell things correctly and hurts my wrist and I have done nothing since the last time I wrote, so this will be brief. I slept in today and would have slept in later but Keri kept calling me from work to wake me up. Some people... Keri got a big hunk of soapstone today for a class she is taking so I think I might take a lump off the side and carve something, maybe I will put it to a vote.
Had some nice e-mails this past day or so. Lots of suggestions about what I should add to the list and stuff and one saint of a woman (Shelly) that is offering me info about the Tampa Bay area.
Ummm... that is pretty much it, sorry to make you come here for nothing. I will be tallying the votes and doing something tonight though, probably. A secret message to Denise; I am pretty sure that most of my old friend live in apartments too, they are even bigger losers than me. Anyway my apartment is awesome, it is really big, has hardwood floors and french doors and two really friendly cats. Go and vote.
2.3.99 - Here's how it happened;
Last night Keri and I were bored and had the munchies a little bit. We decided that we wanted cupcakes because they are so sweet and creamy, sadly having cupcakes would mean either walking all the way down to the local convenience store which isn't actually convenient in that it is over half a mile away, or making some. Making cupcakes was a much happier prospect than walking a mile in the cold darkness, so we set about the recipe books. We found nothing. 'How can we have three or four recipe books but no recipe for cupcakes?' I asked myself. I shut up though because Keri was on the phone to her evil twin seeing if she maybe had a recipe for cupcakes lying around. The best she could come up with was sugar cookies. That was close enough so we went and made up a batch. They were kind of nasty but we ate a lot of them anyway.
An empty plate before us and way too much sugar rushing through my veins lit an idea in my head. 'Why don't I take this ridiculously cool sugar high and use it for good, why, I feel so good I could kiss a cat.' So I did. I got the cats' toothbrushes down from their cupboard, wrestled Kaia to the ground and scrubbed her mouth clean. Then I let her run around for a while, just to get it out of her system a bit and let the memory of my nastiness subside a little. Keri got the camera ready. I grabbed Kaia before she had a chance to start licking herself. I stroked her for a while just to make sure she had no idea of what I was about to do and then I positioned her on my lap. She looked at me with curious eyes, then turned and looked at my hand, now motionless on her back, willing it to move again. 'Why aren't you stroking me anymore?' she asked. Then she asked, 'Why are you telling Keri to get ready? Get ready for what?' Then, with no fanfare at all, I stuck my tongue in my cat's mouth. There was a vague, sweet, malty taste (the toothpaste) and the odd sensation of fur and wet on my tongue, like I was kissing a guy with a really soft beard. I didn't pause for too long to savor the moment, out of the corner of my eye I saw the flash on my camera go off and I withdrew. It was done. Kaia sat for a moment longer, not quite sure what to make of what had happened, then she slowly stood up, hopped down onto the floor and sauntered over to the other side of the room. There she sat for a while, just staring at me, half violated and confused, half concerned about my mental well-being. I was surpised for a number of reasons. I was suprised how easy it was to get Kaia to sit still for it. I was surprised that there wasn't a more violent reaction (I have had my tongue pierced once before and it isn't much fun.) And I was surprised that it didn't taste worse. Even though I had just brushed her teeth this is still an animal that when it isn't sleeping or eating fish flavored crunchy things, generally occupies its time by licking either her own or Frankie's nether regions. There was no trace of fish, fowl, or anus in the flavor of her mouth. Now you can all stop bitching at me and start voting for something else. I will get the photographs up on the page as soon as the roll of film is developed, probably within the next week or two.
Don't tell me off for this either, my cat was not traumatized by any of this. I think she took it as a sign of affection. After all, when she and Frankie are getting along they curl up together and lick each other. I was very gentle with her and it all happened so quickly that I'm sure she didn't really even notice. I think it might have been easier using Frankie but I didn't for a couple of reasons. First, Keri wouldn't let me. He is kind of her cat and she didn't want me to upset him like that. Second, he is a boy and that would have been kind of too much, not just kissing a cat for the first time, but kissing a boy for the first time too...
So Marc, you didn't write anything yesterday, what have you been doing? Well, I had an interview yesterday. It was with a local ad agency for a copywriting/design position, pretty much my dream job. I think the interview went pretty well, the people there were really cool and I think they liked me (how can you be sure though, some people I thought liked me in the past turned out to hate my guts, and vice-versa.) I should know more about that one and the one with the publishing company by Friday, wish me luck, I need it.
I found out more about Tampa too and am almost certain that that is where I will end up for Spring Break this year, assuming, of course, that I can get a job to pay for it. Turns out that Nards, my chum, went there for Xmas with his family and he says it is pretty cool, that is good enough for me.
I broke Keri's computer the other day. I was messing around with it trying to free up some memory and I deleted a bunch of files. I guess I corrupted a path or got rid of something important because now Windows won't start. I tried to blame it on the cats but she didn't believe me. Color me stupid.
Still no luck on the cat smuggling front. Doesn't anybody know a loophole to get around the six-month quarantine period that the British government requires all animals to go through on entry to the United Kingdom??? The only letter I got about it was somebody telling me about how their dog died in quarantine when they went through it. Great, that makes me feel better, thanks.
You know how when you were a kid you would fall over and graze your knees (I used to fall a lot.) And a scab would form and then after a little while the scab would start to itch, so you would scratch it. But that just wasn't enough, it itched more than that. So like a dumbass you would start to pick at it. And that would feel really good, so you would pick faster and harder and that would feel even better. Then you would go a bit too far and suddenly you were in more pain than when you first fell over and there was blood everywhere. Well, that is what I did last night. I was watching TV, before the whole cat thing, and an ad came on for Dateline and the ad was about some story where some guy shot some other guy and everyone was pissed off about it and the story seemed quite interesting. So, I thought to myself, 'Yes, Dateline has done nothing but make you horribly angry in the past and every time you watch it you wish you hadn't. But that story... I wonder why he shot the other guy. And why is everyone so mad about it???' So, like a dumbass, I watched Dateline. Nothing has changed, it still sucks. It still makes me angry to be a member of the human race and Jane Pauly and Stone Phillips still smile through the bullshit like a pair of idiots. I'm not even going to go into it, I will just get angry again. Needless to say, this time I learned my lesson. I am NEVER going back there. I will not be sucked in by their pathetic promises of interesting, worthy journalism, it is all lies. Oh, and they added another award to their ever-increasing list of victories, the TV Guide award for something. Why doesn't that surprise me? That is worth about as much as the one I just won, you can see it here.
Go and vote and I guess you should include suggestions for new things to vote for now that I have done as you asked.
2.1.99 - Another month begins anew, full of the bittersweet promises that the passing of time brings...
That was quite poetic, will that do for all of you that keep asking me to write poetry. Oh, and by the way, I know you are all kids hoping that I will write some nasty limerick or something. After all of my harping on Thursday about not watching TV and doing something special with the one you love, guess what I did over the weekend. I watched TV, slept thirteen to fourteen hours a night and had a big fight with Keri. Sorry, I guess i am a big hypocrite. I meant to do something good, I really did. I got my laundry done though.
I will probably have to buy a suit some time in the near future and I have been wrestling with the whole color choice issue. I think I made my mind up today. I taped 120 Minutes and Amp last night on MTV and watched them this morning (I'm unemployed, I can do things like that.) and there were a few videos with people in black suits in them and I must say that I thought they looked very good. Not the old, boxy, nasty looking black suit but a hip, swishy, cool looking black suit. I need to start wearing black more. Not in a goth way, I think that looks silly, more in a New York way.
I need to set a date for the whole cat-kissing thing, people are getting restless. One disturbing trend I have been noticing though is that the purchase of a weapon always comes in #2. And the comments that come with the vote are often quite disturbing. Most center around guns. Maybe I should explain something, I am not a gun person. Don't get me wrong, I love the way guns look and feel and I enjoy shooting them sometimes in closed ranges. However, I could never, never own one. I don't trust myself. The thing about me is, I am really, sincerely stupid. I drop things a lot, fall over sometimes, say the wrong things at the wrong time and just generally put myself and others in harm's way more often than most do. If I had a gun I know that I would accidentally kill someone or wound myself seriously within a week of getting it. So stop asking me to buy one. I am talking about more passive weapons, things that you might carry in your pocket in case you get into a fight, something to hit people with. Brass knuckles would be my favorite and when I get some money I might pick some up. I owned a pair before and used to go out to the bars with them in my back pocket. I am not one of those hyper-violent assholes that always looks for trouble but when I had those in my back pocket I felt at least two feet taller. I never got a chance to use them and I ended up giving them to my little brother as a stocking stuffer one Christmas. That sounds so dysfunctional/trailer park-ish. I'm really not an asshole, not anymore at least...
I have work to do, I imagine you do too. Go and vote before you leave, I will get around to stuff, I swear. Oh, and if anyone knows anything about either the Tampa Bay area or smuggling cats into England avoiding the six month quarantine please let me know.
1.29.99 - I was too, ummm... busy to write anything today... Sorry.
1.28.99 - I sat with Frankie (my girlfriend's cat that likes me best,) on my chest today, stroking him and generally unwinding after an interview I had this morning and evil thoughts started to creep into my head. Frank gets really affectionate when you stroke him and has a peculiar obsessive/compulsive thing that makes him suck earlobes when he gets excited. So, he was nuzzling his head under my chin trying to get around the side of my head to satiate his urges and I thought it would be really easy to just stick my tongue in his mouth right now, he probably wouldn't even notice and then it would be done. I came this close (imagine my fingers really close together,) to actually doing it when common sense kicked down the door. The realization that I hadn't brushed his teeth in a good while struck me first, followed by one that I had seen him licking his 'delicates' a few moments earlier, which was then followed by a nasty flash of what it would be like sitting there in my living room, the taste of cat spit, poo and food in my mouth, spitting out little bits of fur that I would, invariably, pick up on my lips and poor little Frankie suddenly shocked out of his loving daze, staring at me with the eyes of a twelve year old hooker and probably feeling just as violated. I couldn't do it. I think I will wait until I have a few beers in me and Frankie has had his teeth brushed. You will all just have to wait.
I have an apology to make. I'm sorry for what I said yesterday about shutting the page down, I obviously upset some of you. Thank you all for the kind, supportive and sometimes threatening e-mails I woke up to today. This page has its ups and downs. Writing it every day can be quite taxing but at the same time it is very theraputic and is a good excuse to get off my ass and walk the half-mile to the computer lab. I might change the updates to once every two days as some of you suggested, once I get a job. For the time being though the page looks to be safe, you may all rest easy now... ha ha.
As I mentioned before, I had an interview this morning, with a local publishing company. I was interviewing for a web design/in-house marketing type position, it sounds really cool but I don't want to say too much more about it because I gave them this URL to check out and I wouldn't want to say anything that could be taken the wrong way (I really want the job, give it to me please... :) I need to find something soon, I will go mad otherwise. My apartment is complete now. When I get bored I either clean, move furniture or break things. Yesterday I painted a window and moved furniture. When I say I painted a window, I didn't really paint the window. At the beginning of the winter our maintenance guys came around and put sheets of plastic over the windows as an insulating thing I guess. I painted on that. Too much light comes through the curtains at night in the bedroom so I thought it would be a good way to solve the problem, I painted this big red and blue celtic/oriental triple-ying-yang looking thing. I know it sounds stupid but it looks really cool. I guess I should take some pictures.
Dateline set a new record last night. I was watching TV (as I do) and flicking through random channels (as I also do) when I came across what I thought, for a moment, to be a serious newsmagazine show. How wrong was I, it was Dateline on at the wrong time. I went from comfortable and content to pissed off with the sorry state of mankind in about five seconds, a new record... I don't even remember what the story was, I just remember thinking, 'Oh shit, this isn't TV, it's Dateline...' and changing channels really quickly. How is it that they win awards? After every commercial break they come back with, '...and now back to Dateline, winner of the X award for excellence in journalism for ten straight years...' and I just sit there and think, 'bullshit.' I mean really, what kind of person thinks of Dateline as excellent journalism? Did they just make up these awards and give themselves one every year? Like me winning the Marc Needham Award for Supreme Wonderfulness last year, like that one wasn't rigged.
Keri and I have tentatively decided on the Tampa area for Spring Break, thank you for all who wrote to me with suggestions, I never even would have thought of Tampa without you. All that remains now is to find the perfect location, the right hotel, and a job for me to pay for it all. Tampa looks good for a number of reasons; it is close to water, warm water with a sandy bit at the edge, it has a big city to go clubbing in, quiet beaches, palm trees, beer, and Disney just a two hour drive away. I know that makes people cringe a little but I am all for the whole 'clinging to youth by doing stupid shit' philosophy. You know how babies discover bits of themselves as they go along, like at two months they might 'find' a foot or 'discover' an arm. Well last year I 'found' my mortality. Up until last year I was Peter Pan, living in the moment, doing incredibly stupid things (I would tell you about them but I know my Mum reads this page sometimes and who knows, there could be a cop reading this for all I know) with no thought of the consequences. Then last year I turned 23 and it hit me. I am getting older and eventually I will die, I might even die early as a result of my own tomfoolery. I got really sad and introspective for a while but then I got over it. I still do stupid things, shit, I probably do more stupid things now than I did before, but now I am careful to make sure that I use each day as much as I can, squeeze at least one memorable event out of every 24 hours. It seems silly to sit on your ass and watch it all go by when you might die tomorrow. With the lifestyle I led up until this point I might live to 70 if I'm really, really lucky. That means that I am over a third of the way through my life already. How horrible a thought is that?
I hope I didn't bring anyone down too much with that, my point it just that you really shouldn't sit in and watch TV, you should go out for a walk with your son or your daughter or your wife or your girlfriend or your neighbor or anyone, talk to them, grow closer to them, make something really special. After all what else is there? If you die without having made some kind of impact on at least one person then what have you left behind? You have to at least try. I have to go and do homework now (I graduated last month and I still have homework) so go and vote. Damn it, I am going to start doing the things you all vote for with a renewed vigor, I would be a hypocrite if I didn't. Vote now.
1.27.99 - I hate Tripod. Their HTML editor is crappy. I am struggling right now trying to get a page up for a psych professor and I have done few things more frustrating than mess with Tripod. Why can't life be really, really easy rather than just moderately easy?
I had a few nice suggestions for Spring Break destinations not over-run with white trash and drunk, horny frat boys. Somebody suggested Amsterdam though... I live in Illinois and am out of a job right now, not really a realistic idea is it. I'm looking for towns on the Gulf of Mexico that a young couple might enjoy, nice beaches, warmth in the middle of March, big enough crowds to make the clubs busy but not crowded... you get the idea.
The weather has broken here at long last and it is unseasonably warm in Champaign-Urbana, I'm wearing a t-shirt and a smile right now. I would almost rather it wasn't like this though, I know it will be freezing again by the weekend. This is just nature's way of teasing us. I didn't do anything anybody voted for - yet again - sorry. Part of me has decided that I am going to do a few key votes, kiss the cat, etc... then give this up. The pressure is too much. Knowing that people come here every day (people really do, I have stats to prove it,) and read this garbage that I spout is weighing me down. I feel guilty when I miss a day (the fact that I get a dozen e-mails telling me I missed a day helps,) or fail to go through with a vote. I'm not sure if I really will stop or not. What does everyone think? Should I stick my tongue in my cat's mouth, write about it and then sign off? Is this getting old for everyone? Enough of my whining, it's time for bitching.
I watched Dateline last night and have vowed not to watch it anymore, it pisses me off too much. There was a story about this young couple that had been together for a year or something but had never had sex, kissed each other, or even touched each other and they were getting married. They claimed it was a hail back to the 'old ways' and they were courting and it was going to make their relationship that much stronger and their's was the right way, etc, etc... Of course they are home-schooled, devout Christian country-folk. The girl is one of ten kids or something and although it didn't say, I'm sure the guy has more than a few siblings. Why are people like this allowed to procreate?? They are just going to turn around and have another 20 kids that will be home-schooled and instilled with the warped values of their inbred, backwards-ass, hillbilly parents, and the cycle goes on, and on, and on, and on.
I cancelled my cable as promised yesterday but something odd has happened. I took the box back to them and plugged my VCR into the wall and I am still getting full cable, with better reception than before. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I am happy because now, instead of paying $40 per month, we are paying $8 per month for the same thing. But I am pissed off because I still have cable and I don't want it because it forces me to watch too much TV. Like last night, I sat and watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer (great show) instead of doing something much more productive (read- anything.) Maybe they just haven't gotten around to throwing the switch yet. I have to go and frustrate myself with Tripod some more now. Go and vote and don't forget to include Spring Break suggestions with your vote.
1.26.99 - OK, the cable goes today, fuck Buffy the Vampire Slayer, my sanity is more important. I will miss Bravo and MTV but that is about it. The Daily Show has been going downhill for a while and now that John Stewart is at the helm I can honestly say I won't miss it that much. I will be taking my box into Time-Warner cable at lunchtime today. Remember, I'm doing this, in part, because it was voted for. I have to be quick now because the computer lab is slowly filling up and I hate crowded labs. I had to come to Illini Hall today as I needed to use Word '98 on a Mac and the Macs in Gregory only have Word 6.05 or something.
I have a favor to ask of everyone that reads this. Last year for Spring Break Keri and I divided our time. We went to Pensacola Beach for four days by ourselves and then drove to and stayed in Panama City Beach for the next three or four days. Here lies the problem, Pensacola beach was really beautiful, white sand, clean streets, palm trees, poolside bars, etc... trouble was it was a little too quiet for our tastes, the few bars there were stayed pretty much empty and most of the vacationers were families with small children. Panama City was just the opposite, hordes of screaming drunken frat boys, scantily clad sorority girls and assorted white trash. Which is great if you are a single girl and you like it when, every two minutes, a car full of drunk guys drives past and screams something lewd about your tits. Or if you are a single guy and your idea of fun is getting wasted, piling into a convertible with twenty of your closest friends and cruising the strip, yelling lewd things about girls' tits. I am looking for a little more than that this year. Where do couples go for Spring Break???? I want somewhere I can relax, lay on the beach, go to relatively crowded bars and go to the bathroom once in a while without coming back and finding Keri surrounded by guys wearing Abercrombie and Fitch shorts and a thick layer of oil. Does anyone know of such a place, does one even exist? Please, please tell me if you have ever been to the paradise that I speak of. I have to go and get some work done now but if you think you know what I'm looking for, let me know. Go and vote now.
1.25.99 - I have been getting a lot of support for my ideas about less TV. I have decided, in collaboration with Keri, to cancel all extended cable services tomorrow. This means I will be left with no MTV, no Cartoon Network, no Comedy Central, I won't even have the crap ones like The Golf Network and CSPAN. I will be left with the networks and that is about all, NBC, ABC, PBS and CBS and I refuse to watch CBS anymore because they did a terribly slanted special about the IRA a while ago. If that doesn't change my TV viewing habits then nothing will.
I still have yet to start work anywhere and am still spending my mornings moping around my apartment in my underpants, playing with my cats. It is rough. If I don't get a job soon I might just have to start my novel or something.
How was everyone's weekend? Mine was good. Wanted to go to Orchid on Friday night but there was cover and a line around the corner so we went to Clybourne instead. I got hammered. I woke up at five in the morning needing to pee violently. I staggered to the bathroom almost falling over a bunch of times and then struggled to remain upright as my bladder drained itself. Then I thought I was going to be sick so I spent the next half hour or so hugging the toilet bowl and spitting into it. That wasn't much fun looking back at it now but I felt great on Saturday morning, no trace of a hangover or anything. Saturday night found me at the movies watching Shakespeare in Love with Keri and her evil twin, Kim. The movie was pretty good, I couldn't force myself out to the bars again though, I guess I am getting old or something. I found out this morning that I am hooked on All Bran. I usually eat the stuff religiously and have been super-regular, I have been having craps you could set your watch by. This weekend I fucked up though, on Saturday morning cinnamon rolls were baked and I made pancakes on Sunday. I didn't crap all weekend, I figured it was the beer or something. Boy, was I wrong... I get crabby when I don't shit so it was important for me to go today. I sat down this morning with a big bowl of All Bran and a can of Dr Pepper. It went to work. Around noon I decided I was ready. I wasn't ready though. I could never have been ready for what followed. Nobody could. I had one of the most painful experiences of my life. I burst nearly every blood vessel from my nipples up laying what could have been compared to a small dog in the toilet. At a few points I thought it was stuck and I was going to have to crawl to the phone and call for medical assistance with it protruding from my ass. It was a nightmare. Needless to say I will be eating All Bran every day from now on. I'm sorry for dragging you all through that but I thought it was pretty damn interesting. Why don't you all write to me and tell me about your most harrowing experiences on the crapper. No, wait, don't. I have to go find a different computer lab now as this one doesn't have the stuff I need to print out more resumes. By the way, in addition to having one of the best toilets on campus, Gregory Hall also has the most quiet, well-hidden computer labs on campus. I would tell everyone where it is but then you would all come here and destroy the peace and quiet that I relish so. I just had a nasty thought, if I get my cable turned off tomorrow I won't be able to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer tomorrow night, maybe I will wait until Wednesday. Go and vote now.
1.22.99 - I have let everyone down yet again. I didn't do what you voted for. The winner yesterday was for me to buy a weapon, which I thought was a little odd. Granted I could have made a run down to the pawn shop and picked up a five dollar knife or something but money is tight right now thanks to me not having a job and I decided not to. I did make a step towards the completion of a pretty steady winner though. Keri and I went to Petsmart last night and bought toothbrushes for the cats and a tube of malt flavored cat toothpaste. The toothbrushes are so neat, they are little fingertip things with soft rubber bristles. The toothpaste is pretty cool too, I tried a little and it tastes like malt, duh. The vet told us that we need to brush Frank's teeth because they were dirty last time we took him. I am killing two birds with one stone here though. Not only will Frank's teeth be cleaner, his breath won't be as nasty and if I stick my tongue in his mouth just after brushing his teeth then I might not be so violently ill. I mean, I'm sure I will still be violently ill, just not SO violently ill.
Working towards a goal...
After all my spouting yesterday about the evils of television, I still caved in and watched 'Must See TV.' That is such a load of crap, I would have been so much better off if I had skipped it. Friends was pretty funny but the rest of it was a total waste of time. It just hasn't been the same since Seinfeld left.
For those of you privileged enough to live in the vicinity of Champaign-Urbana I have found the ultimate semi-public bathroom. It is located on the fourth floor of Gregory Hall, North end of the corridor. I am thinking about moving into it. It is unisex so it only has one toilet, no urinals. It has high vaulted ceilings and a huge window. It is so great. If you get a chance I would highly recommend a visit. OK, I have to go and secure a job for my ass so that I can afford to follow through on your votes.
Go and vote anyway, I will save them and tally them when I intend to do something.
1.21.99 - I am leading a sedentary lifestyle and it is beginning to take its effects on my sanity. I had another interview this afternoon (with a really cool, local design company) but this morning saw me getting out of bed at 10:00 and watching TV and eating breakfast in my underpants. I have to break this before it becomes a habit. There have been semesters in my past where I didn't have classes until the afternoon, during such semesters I would slip into a horrible way of life. Drinking and playing Playstation until 4:00 AM, rising after noon and generally being a lazy slob. It is so easy to do and I have to make sure it doesn't happen now. I need an early morning activity, something that will get me out of bed at 8:00 and start my day with a bang, I thought about drugs but then you spend the whole afternoon coming down and we all know how rough that is... Just kidding.
The laziness has been affecting my creative and motivational centers too so you might have noticed this page suffering a little over the past week or so. I warn you, it will continue to slide unless I can find something to wake up for, a job would be ideal (subtle hint to those arriving here via a URL on my resume...) but anything would do, as long as it doesn't involve the TV. Am I alone in thinking that the TV is evil? When I turn it off at night it is like coming out of a trance. Ask me what I watched last night. I have no idea, I don't actually pay attention, I just stare at the lights sparkling out of the box in the corner. It is like some horrible memory of a seventh grade math class, I used to watch the teacher's lips moving but never really listened to anything that fell from them. Wasted time is something I cannot abide right now. That is all TV really is, it doesn't enrich your life in any way, it just helps fill in the hours before you die. That is such a bad thing to do, life is so brief and should be celebrated and yet we sit and squander this precious gift of our's. I think I might talk to Keri about cancelling our cable or something, using the time to talk more or go out for walks around campus, or go to the bars on weeknights, or play with the cats, or make love, or play chess or just do anything but watch crappy reruns of Friends. Anyway I've seen every episode of the Simpsons and that is the only thing worth watching.
Of course, now I have a fairly valid excuse for not doing anything all of you voted for. I was in a zone with my flashing light box and never got around to it. Sorry. I'm sorry to say that it is looking more and more like I am going to have to stick my tongue in one of the cats' mouths. I am faced with a small problem though. If I am going to do it I would like to supply you all with some kind of photographic evidence but I want to be alone when I do it. It is the kind of thing that I really don't want Keri to be around for, much like the pants peeing thing. The kind of thing that might make her go, 'Why am I dating this guy again???' (like she doesn't do that twenty times a day already...) And I can't figure out how to make the timer on my camera work. If I can figure a way around all of those obstacles and my simple aversion to it I might go ahead with it. I have a feeling that it is going to involve me getting liquored beforehand so I might get a chance to do some more vodka shots up my nose. Fun, fun, fun...
Go and vote.
1.20.99 - It is so nice to know that people care about you. Apparently people were getting concerned that I was still out of a job and most of you voted for me to find a new one. At first I thought, 'Well great, now I am going to have to let everyone down, there is no way I can just get a job overnight, I have been trying for almost two weeks now...' But as luck would have it, I think I might have pulled it off. I had given my resume to a woman in town that knows people at CompanyX (they shall remain nameless unless I get hired...) and she called last night saying that she had spoken with her friend and I was nearly guaranteed a position. The sad thing is it would make me a sell-out. I really want to do something that allows me to flex my creative muscles a little, copywriting or ad design or something. The position I would be hired for at CompanyX is nothing like that, total suit and tie guy job, not my idea of fun but the reward is handsome and I have student loans that need to be paid off. Happiness can wait. I am thinking about getting Keri a Minidisc player for her birthday (March) and I won't be able to do that on a McDonald's salary. I am ready to go back to work now too, it has been really nice having this time off and all but too much time out is dangerous, I almost turned on daytime TV yesterday, heaven forbid I ever get into that.
I am looking for serious votes now, I have things that need to get done and a boot in the ass from all of you would really help, kissing cats can wait until I have settled into wherever I might get a job, assuming I get one. Everyone cross your fingers for me and I will let you know how I get on. Go and vote, I will get to them later. Sorry it's so short today (ha ha) but I have shit to do.
1.19.99 - I suppose I have an apology to make. I know I have been out of touch for a while but I do have a good excuse. On Friday my update was missing because U of I's server was down, most of the day and I couldn't get into my account to update it. Sorry. Then it was the weekend. Yesterday was Martin Luther King day so the University was closed, that included all of the computer labs, so once again I was unable to get to my account, sorry.
Anyway, I'm back now and struggling to remember what I did over the weekend so that I can write it down.
I do remember Friday afternoon. I was over at a friend's place (Nards) and the idea of snorting vodka came up again. As I mentioned before there were a number of articles in magazines saying what a great time it is. I casually mentioned that I was curious to see what it was really like, the challenge was set. Since I didn't have the benefit of the votes of sane people like you to aid in my decision making process I figured I would go with a distant second; the advice of my mentally unstable friends. They thought it would be really 'great' if I was to try such a wacky stunt. In no position to argue I thought I might as well, after all, the magazine articles said it only hurt for a second. I grabbed a bottle of vodka and a teaspoon from the kitchen and sat down to (mentally) prepare for the task ahead of me. As I sat down I remembered something in one of the magazines about a thick trail of highly flammable snot and thought it best to equip myself with some paper towels before I went ahead with it. Then I sat for a while, played some more video games and contemplated what I was about to do. They wouldn't suggest it if it was going to kill me right? What the fuck, might as well, after all, I don't have a job to go to or anything else to do really.
I raised the spoon, full to the brim with Stolichnaya, to my right nostril, closed the other nostril off with a finger on my free hand and took a deep, steady breath in through my nose.
All of a sudden my whole head was on fire. Acid streamed from every orifice on my face and I thought, for a horrible moment, that I had finally done something too stupid and was going to die because of it. Of course, I was wrong. The magazines were right, it does only hurt for a second. Then there is a warmth that spreads from your sinuses into your brain, then down from there into your chest. It is an incredible feeling, you get the buzz straight away. I only did that one shot and so didn't get drunk or anything but I did get an idea of what it might be like. Next time I think I will go balls out and try consuming all of my night's alcohol that way. Or maybe not. Now you can see the value of your votes to me, if I had been able to get into my e-mail to read the votes then I might have been too busy doing whatever won to endanger myself in such a way.
The rest of my weekend was pretty uneventful. Spent most of Saturday painting a stained glass thing onto the window in the spare room. Went out to Orchid (the new bar) on Saturday night and had a really good time. Then I spent Sunday and yesterday vegging out. I say vegging out and most of you get some kind of picture in your head, it is probably wrong. I took vegging to a whole new level. I didn't leave my apartment for two days solid, I barely left the couch except every once in a great while to use the toilet or get some food. I feel much better for having done so. I totally turned my brain off for a couple of days and now it is back, feeling refreshed and full of silly new ideas. I am going to go and tally the enormous backlog of votes that sit in my inbox now so that I will have something to do this afternoon. Go and vote.
1.14.99 - I hate the Federal Government of this country. I got all excited this morning because I thought I was going to set the ball rolling for me to become a citizen of these great United States. I have been living in the country for five years now, with a green card, I understood that was all you needed to apply for citizenship. I visited the Federal Courthouse in Urbana this morning to pick up the necessary forms (a very, very nice building, I guess that is where our tax dollars go,) and they broke my heart. I am planning on leaving this country for a couple of years come May or June and I thought it would be best if I got my citizenship before I left so that I would be able to come back in later. Turns out after I have filled in all of the forms it takes at least one full year to go all the way through!!! What kind of bullshit is that? I am mightily pissed off about the whole thing right now, especially because once I have been out of the country for six months I lose my green card. The only way for me to get back in will be to marry Keri. And although that has kind of been my intention all along, I don't like the idea of it being forced on me like that. What if Keri doesn't want to or breaks up with me while we are in England? What then, I can never come back to the States again?? If any of you work for INS or a good law firm and know of anything that I can do to get around this please let me know. The only thing I can think of doing right now is killing an American that looks vaguely like me and assuming their identity...
A lot of you might have noticed that I have been doing less and less of the things that are being voted for. I am not being a pussy or losing my edge, there is a perfectly good reason for it. A lot of the tasks that have been winning require at least a little social interaction, i.e. making up a new word or playing a practical joke on somebody. My days right now consist of dropping Keri off at work, going to computer lab to type these updates, picking Keri up for lunch, dropping her back at work, going over to a friend of mine's apartment (Nards,) having a couple of beers, playing some video games, picking Keri up from work, eat dinner, watch TV, sleep, repeat. You may have noticed that I only really see two people in the course of my day both of whom know about this page and would catch on too quickly if odd things started happening. I figure I will wait until I have a job again and then start catching up a little. What better way to endear my new co-workers to me than by pissing in the coffee or making some candies using Ex-Lax chocolate.
I was fucking around last night and I did a monkey stand, just for kicks, those are the ones that are like a headstand but all scrunched up. Anyway, I think I trapped a nerve or crushed something in my neck because every time I move my head too quickly I get a shooting pain. I bought Keri tampons yesterday because she had mentioned that she needed some. I thought that was pretty cool of me. How many guys do you know that would do something that nice for their girlfriends? I blushed a little as I put them on the little belt that carries them towards the checkout person. Why is it that whenever you are just in to buy normal groceries everyone in the store is over 90 and in your way but when you are buying something embarrassing, lots of toilet paper, condoms, tampons... everyone is your age and seems to be looking at you funny.
There have been some articles in various magazines recently (Maxim, Ministry) that are singing the praises of snorting vodka. OK, they don't really sing its praises, they say it burns like a bitch, makes flammable snot ooze out of your nose, your eyes water and your face look like you have just been kicked in the balls. However, they do say it gets you really drunk, really fast. A shot of nearly pure alcohol straight into your brain. I think I want to try it. I think I might try it this afternoon. I will let you know tomorrow. This is what happens when I get bored. I get in trouble. It never fails, if I have too much time on my hands I will (nine times out of ten) do something silly that could either land me in jail (and has once) or leave me dead. There is some idiom about idle hands being the devil's best friend, or was it dogs and man, or women and diamonds? Anyway, my point is, I need a job soon, just to get me off the streets. I am a really nice, sensible (yeah, right) guy, as long as I stay busy. Keri worries that I might cheat on her if I have too much free time, that will never happen but I could end up with a broken arm. I wonder what sledding would be like after snorting vodka, there's a way to spend an afternoon. Last time I went sledding (two days ago) we went too late and all the little kids were out of school and polluting the hill with their joyful squeals and brightly colored winter garments. I think it would be best if we went earlier this time, right after lunch or something.
I have an interview tomorrow morning, wish me luck, I guess I should go and do some ironing. Go and vote but be sure to make it something that doesn't require other people.
1.13.99 - As if three feet of snow and Arctic temperatures weren't enough, it rained last night. Now there is an inch thick skin of ice over everything. I love this place. Not that anybody cares but I called some of the places I sent my resume to and things are looking up. I might not be out of work for as long as I thought. Which is what makes this weekend so important. Apparently yesterday's update lit a spark in a few of you and binge drinking won by a landslide. I was planning on doing it yesterday but fate intervened and I went sledding instead. I will, for everybody's sake, get really drunk this weekend. I mean, I get 'drunk' most weekends but I am going to get really, really drunk this weekend just because you all told me to. Should be fun I guess, I'll let you all know how it went on Monday. I called a local publisher this morning and it changed my mind a little, I am no longer going to write a children's book, I am going to shoot for a full novel:) Add that to my list of pipe dreams...
I guess people are slowly flowing back to campus now, the computer lab is nearly full and parking was bitch, I wish everyone would just stay away. I can honestly say that one of my happiest moments on campus, ever, was shortly after the New Year. It had just snowed a couple of feet and Keri and I were just about the only people around. We went out for a walk in the fresh snow and it was gorgeous. The silence was absolute, any distant noise there might have been was muffled by the soft blanket all around. The solitude was cozy, like a warm blanket. Walking down the middle of the road, staring at the black windows of the dorms and apartments was one of those things that will stick with me for a really long time.
But people are back now, the roads are brown and black with filth and slush, the windows are lit and the ice on the ground amplifies the sound rather than dulling it. I have to go and cry now.
Go and vote.
1.12.99 - I have an answer to a question that I posed a couple of days ago. If you read this site regularly you might remember me questioning the difference between a starving Ethiopian and a starving anorexic, specifically the difference that makes the Ethiopian's belly swell and the anorexic's not. A man by the name of Justin Toh sent me this:
Thought I might enlighten you a little with this. The source of the bloated belly in malnourished people is a protein deficiency, kwashiokor is one example, whereby there is continuous protein turnover and water retention. Hence a bloated belly. Protein deficiencies like this occur if one of the essential amino acids are deficient, the starving often get enough protein in the form of say rice, but don't have the balanced diet to obtain one or two essential amino acids. Anorexics I guess don't suffer from this because they eat balanced diets, however small, so they merely waste.
So there you go. If you are an aspiring anorexic be sure to eat a balanced diet, you wouldn't want that nasty water retention getting in the way of a perfect figure...
I know that was uncalled for but what else is there? I got a little drunk yesterday, partly because it was voted for, partly because there was nothing better to do. My resumes have yet to arrive at their destinations yet so I can't call them for an interview, daytime TV sucks, it is cold out and there is just so much time you can spend online before it starts to have lasting, brain-damaging effects. So I went over to a friend's place and had a couple of beers. I didn't get wasted or smashed (or bladdered or hammered or blitzed or plowed for that matter,) but I'm going to today. Sure, I could sit alone with my cats and read a book or do something constructive but I am in the mood for something stimulating. Wild Turkey and sledding might do it for me today.
Perhaps I should explain a little. Two years ago I had a neighbor called Bill. Bill was a fifth-year Senior set to graduate in May. Bill, for the most part, was quite a staid young man, studious, sensible and kind. As his graduation approached there was a marked change in him, almost overnight he went from quiet neighbor to raging alcoholic. You could go by any time of the night or day and chances are you would find Bill standing on the balcony screaming drunken abuse at passers-by, being sick, dancing on his furniture, downing large bottles of stuff like Wild Turkey and tequila, passed out on the floor, breaking things by accident, playing ball sports in his apartment, passed out on the balcony, and just generally celebrating the end of four years of shit by letting his hair down. It was great fun to watch and it was nice to live next to as there were always people to party with for the last few weeks of that year. I got to thinking this morning, whilst in the shower (where I do most of my thinking,) that I never really did anything like that. At least I never did it with graduation as the reason behind it. I don't think I even got drunk at all with graduation as the reason. And I think it is about time I fixed that. School has been a long, painful process for me and I deserve to let off some steam. When is a better time than now, I have no job and nothing else to do, might as well get drunk.
I know I will get letters about this but let me cut you off before you start to preach. Don't bother, there are no votes that say, 'Stay sober today' and the votes are the only advice I will take from people that I don't know. If Keri has a problem with it then I will reconsider my actions but I'm pretty sure she will understand, anyway, she will be at work for the most part. Perhaps I should limit it to one day or something, I should be concentrating on getting interviews and such. Shit, I hate having a sensible voice in my head, no matter how small it may be. I never used to have that voice, I used to just go ahead and do pretty much whatever I thought would be fun. One of the perils of growing up I suppose.
A lot of people recently have been voting for me to put my tongue in my cat's mouth. This is another one like the peeing of myself. I kind of put it up there as a joke but in the end had to go through with it. If nothing else this page will teach me to keep my mouth shut. It has yet to be a clear winner but when and if it ever does pull through I will do it, assuming my cat will let me and I think my stomach will handle it. I have to go and find a job now so that I can justify my drinking in the afternoon.
Go and vote now if you haven't already.
1.11.99 - I guess you can add another item to the pile marked 'Evidence that Marc is a retard.' I forgot to do webperms on Friday and as a result nobody could get into Friday's update, sorry. It is up now for those of you that care, I didn't realize it was so short, I guess I was in a hurry. The weekend was slow. As punishment for losing my job (and because the bars were dead,) I didn't go out at all. Keri and I finished off a bottle of wine on Friday night though and that was a laugh. The apartment is really clean now too, boredom has a way of waking up the little clean person inside me.
The CGI voting thing is working better than I could have imagined, it looks like people really were worried about their anonymity. I got tons of votes over the weekend but am just going to add them to tonight's tally. With that CGI thing, you can add as much in the way of comments as you please, don't feel limited by the space, go nuts, write me a letter, I'm unemployed, I have nothing better to do than read it. Speaking of being unemployed, it is a wholly unusual experience. I feel lost. I have always had an identity up until now, I was either a student or working somewhere, for the first time ever, I am neither. The free time is great but I'll be sitting around scratching my ass thinking how lucky I am that I don't have homework to do or a job to be at when the fear will begin to creep in. I have no real doubt that I will find something within a couple of weeks but there is this niggling fear that I won't. That I am going to be out of work for a really long time and it is going to leave me with unspeakably huge debts and a girlfriend that hates me. I'm sure I'm just being silly. I think I might write a children's book. That would be an entertaining way to fill this cumbersome free time of mine. It would be good too because I could lace the story with subliminal nastiness and corrupt a younger audience. I am all for the corruption of the masses. That is what this website is all about really. I am lulling everyone into a false sense of security with jovial rants and amusing stories but eventually things will change, slowly though so nobody will see it happening. I will start weaving subtle mind control themes into my updates and things will go downhill from there. How cool would it be to have a cult under your authority??? Just joking of course (or am I?) I can barely control my own thoughts most days, let alone other peoples'. I have to go and add some votes to the main page now and make a few slight changes, free Remote-Controlled Marc t-shirt to the first person that spots them all (just kidding again, like I have t-shirts for this crap.) Then I'm going to look for a job. See how devoted I am to this page, update first, then job search...
Go and vote.
1.8.99 - I still can't believe it is '99. I ran out of checks a while ago so the only time I write it is at the top of these updates. It is so weird to think that next year is a new millenium. I spent a good part of today fucking around with my page, because a number (3) of you said that I should. I have been getting more and more votes for me to do a website overhaul, with lots of comments about anonymous CGI voting. You can stop bitching now, I did it. Since I can't run scripts from my shitty students account I had to use www.cgiforme.com's shady rendition of FormMail.pl, a nice Perl script from Matt's Script Archive. It seems to be working pretty well, select whatever you want to vote for, add the necessary comments, click the button underneath and your vote will be magically whisked away to me. I expect a lot more people to vote now they can do so under the veil of relative anonymity (I say 'relative anonymity' because your IP address is sent with your vote just to make sure you only vote once:) Since I spent too much time doing that I don't have much time to write here, sorry, I know how you all enjoy these moments we have (ha ha.) My resumes are out there now so everyone cross your fingers and wish me luck.
Go and vote now.
1.7.98 - A couple of people yesterday voted for me to learn more about Zen Buddhism, so I did. Keri, my girlfriend, has this book, I don't remember what it is called but it is a cartoon book that goes really in depth into the whole concept of Zen, it is kind of like the Tao of Pooh but without the bear. So, I read it last night and made up a joke based on what I understand Zen to be;
Q. What is the difference between a tree?
A. Because worms don't have armpits.
If you are as enlightened as I am am you will be pissing yourself laughing right now because that was really funny. If you don't get it, don't feel bad, not everybody can elevate their souls to the plane that mine is on. Sorry, I'm just kidding, that joke wasn't funny at all and I'm not really enlightened, I think I have a lot more reading left to do.
I was thinking last night about something that has been bothering me for quite some time now. You know when you see starving poor people on the Discovery Channel, Somalians and Ethiopians and the like, they have that standard distended abdomen thing going on. Why is it that an anorexic can starve it/herself to death but avoid the unsightly belly? I think we need to figure out what is making the third worlder's bellys big and find some way to inflict it upon the middle-class Americans that are starving themselves, that would dissuade them from doing it.
That was pretty cold. I'm sorry if there are any anorexics reading this page and cursing my name right now. I think I am going to get rid of the little pop-up alert thing that you get when you leave my page. I have been messing around with my page a bit and I never realized quite how annoying it is. I am sorry for making you all suffer through it, I will put it back up if people stop voting though. I am going to go and add some more voting options now so I will have to cut this update short. If anyone has suggestions for new 'stuff' just send them to me.
I forgot to mention this yesterday and almost forgot to mention it again today which would have been pretty stupid as it is pretty much the biggest thing that has happened in my small, empty life, I graduated last month. I am now officially Marc Needham B.Sc. or something like that. I never thought I was going make it, guess I was wrong.
Forgot some other stuff too. My car sucks, it doesn't like the cold weather and refuses to start if it is under 20F, which is standard fare for Central Illinois at this time of year. fucking weather and fucking car, they both suck.
Last night I got the power bill from the kind folks at Illinois Power and with it came further evidence that all people are assholes. Keri pointed out an insert with the bill that at first glance seemed really sweet. There is a picture of a wide-eyed boy, clinging in what looks like mild fear to his Mother's arm. The caption on the front read, 'Help Matthew stay warm this winter.' They deal is that you can have 'X' amount of dollars added to your bill each month and Illinois Power in their infinite kindness and benevolence will put it towards the bills of poor people in the area, helping them to 'stay warm this winter.' I thought, "Well, that's quite nice of Illinois Power to do that." Then I did a double take and realized that they aren't being nice, they are being horrible, greedy, money-grubbing bastards. The power belongs to them, it is totally within their hands, if they want to be nice why don't they just donate the power to the poor people rather than making us, their other customers line their already bulging pockets. You know that they would turn someone's power off if they didn't pay their bill, regardless of how many doe-eyed infants may freeze their asses off in the dark all winter.
1.6.99 - Where to begin???? So much has happened since I last wrote anything in here and I am truly confused about where to begin. I had a good Christmas break, Keri and I went and spent some time with her family in Peoria which was great. Cruel.com voted me their Cruel Site of the Day on 12.30.98 and I got over 5000 hits which was really nice, I am still reeling a little from the shock. New Year's was good, it found us (Keri and me) back in Champaign at the opening of a really cool new bar, Orchid. For those of you that know Champaign, it is co-owned by the guy that used to own Gypsy and the guy that owns C.O's, Clybourne, R&R's and nearly every other bar on campus. I fulfilled the wishes of some of the voters by getting really hammered and falling over a lot. Then it snowed...
A lot.
I went out on Sunday to find that my car had been buried (literally) in a snowbank. We had about two feet apparently but snowplows were kind enough to hide the blight that is my car for me. So I spent a good portion of Sunday night digging the thing out so I could get to work on Monday, trouble was, come Monday morning the fucking thing wouldn't start and as campus has turned into a ghost-town of sorts I was unable to find anyone to jump it. So I called in sick on Monday and Tuesday. I managed to get a friend to come over last night and get it going so that I could work today. I woke up this morning and went to work almost crashing 20 or 30 times on the way there thanks to the thick slush that is covering everything. Then I got fired. That is to say I went in this morning and my boss, John Malone (a good man that I bear no ill-will towards,) took me aside for a 'chat.' We both arrived at the conclusion that I wasn't happy doing whatever it is I was supposed to be doing at work and it would be better for all parties involved if I stepped down. He was right, work had become a joke. I spent most of my time there messing around with this web page or surfing the web. I'm not really even sure what I was supposed to be doing to tell you the truth, I just sat around and got paid for it. Part of me is really glad that it is over, I feel liberated, free to do as I please with my time for a little while. I have enough money in the bank to last me out for a month or so and I have had a few job offers in the past that might still stand. I will call them later on today to find out. In the meantime I am Keri's driver, we worked together and her car is still in Peoria with her twin, Kim, so I will be shuttling her between work and home until the 20th... So, if you know of anyone that needs some freelance writing or something done, throw it my way, I need to keep busy or I will go insane. I am going to go through the glut in my mailbox no and tallly some votes, now that I have more time on my hands I will be able to devote more energy to this page, hoorah. Sorry for any typos on this page, I had one of those split keyboards at work that I was really used to using and I don't have it anymore, I need to retrain my brain to use a flat board. Oh, and I have been having lots of really great sex recently (with Keri.)
12.23.98 - I can't believe I am at work today, the eve of Christmas Eve and they are making me work. I'm really happy but I can't tell you why, I could tell you why but it would require going into a long-winded story that really isn't very interesting. I am in a really good mood though, you will just have to take my word for it.
I am taking off for the holidays tonight after work, going to Peoria to stay with my girlfriend's family for a couple of weeks. While I am away I will probably be updating this page less frequently, maybe every other day or something. Is anyone feeling Christmassy yet? I'm not really. My apartment is decorated and it is cold outside so I figured that I would be taken by the spirit by now, sadly I was wrong. Hopefully that will change by tomorrow.
I was bored last night so I got the movie Small Soldiers on pay-per-view. It was crap. I can honestly say that it was the worst movie I have seen in a long time. Even though I paid for it I found myself flicking through channels looking for something else to watch. If you are considering renting it, don't, you will just end up pissed off, wishing you had rented something, anything else. I didn't do anything of note last night. The most votes from the weekend to last night went to me pulling a practical joke on someone. I wanted to do it but there was nobody around to do it to. My apartment was empty and I tallied the votes just before leaving work so my stock of potential victims was limited to myself, I would have done something to myself but I would have known it was coming and that would have been no fun. I am thinking about cling filming the toilets in the girl's bathroom today, that is always funny. If I do it I will log back on and tell you all about it. I added a few new items to the voting list last night too, let me know what you think of them. I have a CGI script that works now so I might put it up as a means of voting, I just have to figure out the logistics of the matter. I hope everyone is having an awesome Christmas, thank you all so much for all of the nice e-mails you have been sending me, they make me feel all warm and cuddly on the inside. Sorry for not being overly entertaining today, my fingers are cold and I hate typing when my fingers are cold...
12.22.98 - I can't believe it is almost Christmas, where did the year go?
If you are easily disgusted by the shadier parts of the human psyche then I would suggest that you skip today's update.
Last night...
I came home a little late because I had to go and meet with a Professor and stop at the grocery store after work. I didn't think about it at first, I wouldn't allow myself to think about it, I still hadn't come to terms with the task ahead of me. I watched a little TV and had a beer, it felt lonely so I called a few friends that I thought were still in town to come over. Looking back I guess I am glad that nobody was home, I'm not sure I would have wanted anyone around for what followed. As the night progressed I had more beer and watched more TV, I would occasionally catch a glimpse of the 8-pack of Depends that were still sitting where I dropped them by the front door. As I became more inebriated the notion seemed to get more and more entertaining. I think I had about four or five beers when I decided to put a pair on, just to see how they felt. I opened the pack and they looked exactly like what they were, adult sized diapers. They were quite bulky, I decided earlier to buy the 'heavy protection' type, the package says they are designed for 'Heavy or continuous urine leakage. Heavy leakage at night, or when lying down. And bowel leakage.' I figured they would do the trick. I went into my bedroom and changed then came back out, sat on the couch in my diaper and watched some more TV. Two more beers and I was ready to go. I felt naughty, like my parents were going to burst through the front door at any moment and tell me off for being such a twat. They didn't of course and I made it to the bathroom. I wasn't sure if the pants would leak or not so I thought it best to take the rest of my clothes (t-shirt and socks) off and get in the bathtub. I stood there for a while, debating whether or not to go through with it, nobody would know if I chickened out, right? I wanted to take them off and use the toilet, put this nonsense off until tomorrow night. I suddenly understood how the cats had felt through the entire toilet training ordeal, going to the bathroom somewhere you aren't supposed to is hard. You have been taught your whole life that the only truly acceptable place to relieve yourself is in the toilet, and perhaps the odd bush. I really needed to go though and didn't have time to think too much. I let a little go cautiously at first, I was scared something would happen, like the pants would inflate to twenty times their normal size and an alarm would go off or something. It didn't. I let a little more go. Still nothing happened, I could feel it though, warm and moist. It was a wholly peculiar sensation, like my loins were stepping into a warm pool, but the rest of me wasn't. I had reached the point of no return, I was damned anyway so I let go. The sensation was vaguely sensual, warmth and moisture in that region is generally associated with sex so I guess it figures. It felt good and for a moment I lost myself in the newness of it all. I was doing something I had never (in my adult life) done before and it felt nice. Then I snapped to. I felt very sober all of a sudden. I looked down at myself and realized how foolish this was. I was standing, almost naked bar a heavy, sodden pair of diapers, in my shower, half drunk and beginning to feel a little sick. Not sick like, 'Oh god, I'm going to puke.' But sick like, 'I have just done something dirty and wrong and the guilt is rising in my throat.'
I undid the tapes that were holding the diaper to me and pulled it away from my groin. It felt heavy, like a small dead animal or a heavy steak, the weight was fluid and warm. Funnily enough I didn't smell pee, I didn't really smell much of anything, the beer I had before must have diluted whatever makes piss smell. I was drier than I had thought I would be, not completely dry but not soaked. I dropped the diaper in the sink and turned the shower on. I felt a lot dirtier than I actually was, I messed with the taps until the shower was as hot as I could take it, like fiery needles against my skin. I washed my whole body even though I had showered that morning and nothing had leaked from the sides of the Depends. My head swam, the alcohol still spinning me a little, the guilt laying like a brick on my chest. It was a long shower, even by my standards (I spend forever in the shower, people always assume I am doing stuff in there but I just like to be clean,) but I felt clean when I stepped out of it. I dried myself off, the whole time staring at the mass of white in the sink, wondering how I was going to dispose of the evidence. I got dressed and came back to it, half hoping that it would have somehow miraculously disappeared. It was still there. There was a fastening tape poking up so I grabbed it and lifted, holding it for a few seconds above the white porcelain in case anything dripped out. It didn't but I put it down and went to the kitchen to get some paper towels anyway. Just wanting to get rid of this foul reminder of my own depravity I moved quickly, lifted the piss-soaked mass of plastic and fabric, cupped some paper towels underneath and hurried it to the garbage. It fell in with a satisfying thud, but I still wasn't happy. It was really cold outside last night and my garbage can was only about a third full at best but I took it out anyway. The dumpster for my building is shared with the bar and pizza place next door and as I rounded the corner to the dumpster one of the employees of the pizza place was coming back. I lowered my eyes, not wanting to look at him lest he notice the burning look of self-loathing I had 'neath my brow. I'm not sure because I wasn't looking at him but I could feel the weight of his eyes on the garbage bag I was carrying, like he was wondering why I was out in this weather just to throw away a half empty bag. I scurried around him and tossed the bag over the top, I watched it for a moment after it landed, still waiting for something to happen. Nothing did though, the garbage bag blended in with its neighbors, nothing on it's exterior to suggest that there was anything odd inside it. Relief crept into my mind slowly, it was over, I could go back upstairs and watch more TV and maybe have another beer and pretend nothing had happened. The guilt was on its way out and I smiled to myself as I walked back up the stairs to my apartment.
All in all it wasn't an awful experience. The beer helped a lot, as did the fact that I was alone and it was either do that or sit and watch the mindless trash that passes for quality, primetime television viewing these days. I'm not sure how I feel about it today, it's half that nasty feeling you get when you wake up next to something ugly after a night of binge drinking and half the other feeling you get in the same instance, the, 'Well, I guess I got laid...' feeling. Yes, last night I did something that is kind of nasty and a little bit wrong but I also did something new, something that most people haven't done, something that most people probably wouldn't want to do. Tonight I will tally all of the votes I got over the weekend and go back to what I have been doing. A lot of people have been voting recently (thanks to my annoying pop-up thing perhaps?) and that is great. Thank you for all of the nice mail everyone has been sending, I expected a lot more shit for this page and I have yet to receive any really. I'm sure there will be a few rude e-mails about this one though, I must have offended someone's sensibilities... I need more suggestions for new things to do so feel free to include some with your votes. Merry Christmas or happy holidays or whatever doesn't offend your delicate sense of political correctness.
12.21.98 - Where to begin... I guess the weekend is as good as any place to start. Keri (my girlfriend) and I spent the weekend in Peoria with her family. It was fun. We all went to a big fancy candlelight dinner thing at their Country Club and I got wasted with the fam. Keri's family are all really cool they are being nice enough to let me spend this Christmas with them since my family are all over in England. I'm going back to Peoria on Wednesday but last night (Sunday) I drove back here (Champaign) and settled into the empty (no cats, no Keri) apartment. I had assumed that nobody would be in town but it turned out that a chum of mine, Nards, was still here. He dropped by and we got drunk. Then I went to bed. Then I woke up this morning and I was two hours late for work. Apparently I had rolled over and switched my alarm off in some sort of half-sleeping, half drunken stupor. I didn't get in any trouble for being late or anything as I'm really the only person in this week but I felt bad all the same. I hate being late for things, the stress kills me. About an hour and a half after I got to work I decided that it was time to go home again for lunch. I went out to the parking lot to find my car encased in a block of ice, fucking freezing rain. I love Illinois winters.
Tonight on the way home from work I am going to stop and pick up a pair of Depends, as per your requests. I will tell you more about it tomorrow. Want to watch? Well, you can't, however, if you happen to be around fourth and Daniel in Champaign tonight, scan the windows and you might catch a glimpse of me wandering around my apartment, drunk, wearing a pair of Depends. And before I get a bunch of people e-mailing me, telling me I have a drinking problem; yes, I got drunk last night and yes I am going to get drunk by myself tonight but I have a good excuse. I figure it will make it that much easier to pee myself if I drink a lot first. I didn't do anything that anyone voted for over the weekend because I figured that tonight's event was so incredibly huge that I didn't need to. There is nothing else to say really, sorry if you are terribly upset with me. I know i'm not writing very well, my head is still a little fuzzy from last night. Which also means that you shouldn't come back tomorrow expecting the story of my wet pants to be recounted with sparkling, beautiful prose, it is more likely to be spewed out in the angry slur of a hangover. A heart-felt thank you goes out to whoever posted voting suggestions in my guestbook. I will review them later and probably add at least one of them to my list. As for the trying cat food thing, that could fall under the trying new food vote, just add cat food as a suggestion. I feel a little queasy, I should go.
12.18.98 - It looks like I am going to have to do it. Pee my pants that is. Yesterday almost 1/3 of the votes were for me to buy a pair of Depends and wet them. When I first put the idea up I never really thought about the fact that one day I might actually have to go through with it. I hadn't been sleeping much and I was a little delirious and it sounded funny when I first wrote it down. Now the horror of the whole act is dawning on me. I am going to have to stand there, if only briefly, soaked in my own urine. Here is what I am going to do. Since I don't want my girlfriend to be around for it I am going to wait until she has left for Xmas. So, next Monday (the 21st I believe) I will stop at Schnuck's on the way home from work and I will pick up a pack of Depends. I will go home, have few a beers (by myself, in the dark,) I will strip down, put a pair on, stand in the bathtub and pee myself. I'm sorry I'm not really sticking to my rules, by all rights I should have done it last night, I know you are angry and I am sorry, you will just have to come back on Tuesday to read about it. I will do this so please don't vote for it anymore, I think I will go and change the link next to it so that people know. Anyway, of the other ten or so votes I got there was no real winner. My favorite was a guy that wrote to me asking me to make love to my girlfriend because, 'She seems like a nice girl.' I chose that one. I will spare you the gory details, especially as my Mum knows the address of this site and is liable to burst in at any moment, but it was a wonderful night. I wish more people would vote for things like that. I am still trying to find the digital camera at work and once I have found it, who knows, maybe I can convince Keri to let me snap a few shots of the two of us. Ha ha, I am sure everybody wants to see that. I need new suggestions for things to vote on. My old ones are dying. For example someone else yesterday voted that I finish up the cats' toilet training, didn't he read the updates? That was over a long time ago. For those of you that didn't read about it, I gave up because it was too much like hard work and it was making the cats unhappy. So, any suggestions you may have, regardless of how silly you may believe them to be, send them to me.
On a different note, what does everyone think of the new war on Iraq? Personally I think Clinton is a bastard. To bomb the innocents of a country simply to cover his own ass is just plain wrong. I bet he feels pretty stupid now that the impeachment hearings are going ahead anyway. I don't understand Britain's involvement this time, what does Tony Blair have to gain from all of this? Does he have a mistress too? Or is this another case of Britain sucking up to America, trying to look tough on the arm of the big bully? As far as I'm concerned, all of this just makes America look like a big asshole. Saddam has just said that he isn't going to compromise, this means that we are going to have to kill more of his people, do we really want this blood on our hands??? Does anybody think that Saddam gives a shit about his people, we could kill them all and he wouldn't change his stance. We have the technology to do it now, why not just assasinate the bastard. Fuck the delicate etiquette of war, I know I would rather we killed a vicious bastard than thousands of innocent women and children. It sounds really stupid but didn't these people see Saving Private Ryan???? Don't they know the horrors of war? The blood is on Clinton's hands as far as I'm concerned, what he is doing is wrong.
Sorry for that little rant, go and vote for something now, but don't vote for peeing my pants, I am going to do that anyway.
Oh, as a side-note, I just put a little pop-up thing on the front page, you have probably already run across it. Isn't it annoying?:)
12.17.98 - Today is shaping up to be a great day. As you know (if you read yesterday,) I made the miningco.com worst of the web section. My traffic is through the roof and people are actually voting now. There weren't any in by the time I left yesterday but this morning there were a bunch, I will check them at 5:00 and who knows, I might actually have a distinct winner today. I got so much sleep last night and I feel really good now, I guess a lot of my feeling shitty all the time had something to do with going to bed at 1:00 AM and getting up at 6:30 AM. I went to bed at 10:00PM last night and slept like a log, I feel like a new man today. I got a kind of nasty e-mail last night, from this girl bitching about my drinking... What the fuck? I have mentioned drinking maybe three times on this page, what is the big deal. She claimed that my relationship with my gilfriend would be a lot better if I didn't drink so much. Fuck her, my girlfriend normally drinks more than me. My point was I was all excited to get my first nasty letter, I wanted to post it in that 'nasty letters' section but it really wasn't caustic enough. So I sent a nasty one back to her in the hopes that she would get all pissy and send me something I can use. Is that petty? There was a freezing rain last night and I had to scrape an inch thick slab of ice off my windscreen this morning. That was a pain in the ass because at 7:30 I am barely awake and I had forgotten to wrap up before I left my apartment. Consequently my fingers are still numb and I think I might lose the index finger on my left hand.
I will add more to today as my brain thaws out more and stuff starts coming to me, come back later if you care. In the meantime, go and VOTE!!!
OK, It's later now and I still don't feel like writing anything else, I guess you are just going to have to wait until tomorrow, sorry. Did I mention that I once spent three days in jail? Ask me about it some time, it is a really, really funny story.
12.16.98 - Where was I? Who cares, nobody was listening anyway. The Misanthropic Bitch has put a message board type thing up on her site, what a great idea, I think I might do the same. I think I might have mono or something because I am tired all the time, either that or I need a few more hours sleep a night. I will get plenty of sleep next week though. My satanic dictator of a boss is making me work next week right through to Wednesday. Of course, campus will be empty by this weekend and my girlfriend is going home to Peoria on Saturday. I will be totally alone for three whole days. Campus turns into a ghost town over breaks, it is kind of nice in a way. I will be working alone too which is a good thing. I can come to work drunk and stuff. Expect all kinds of wacky shit to turn up in here, I am really funny when I'm wasted off my ass at 8:00 in the morning. Nothing exciting at all is happening right now. I finished my Christmas shopping yesterday, the bastards that read this page (you) still aren't voting for stuff and I can't find the digital camera anywhere. I think one of the women that works up front stole it, she had it last and suddenly she is denying that we ever had one. Lies. All-Bran is now my favorite food, it has worked miracles with my colon. It is the Jesus Christ of breakfast foods, the saviour of my bowels. Ha ha. I am peculiar in that my moods hinge quite a lot on whether or not I have had a shit on any given day. My cycle was all messed up but since I have been eating All-Bran every day I am regular as clockwork. Did I mention that I work with my girlfriend, Keri? She is a web designer for our company. You would think that that would suck, living and working with someone but it is actually pretty cool, she is sitting in the cubicle next to mine and I can wave at her or throw shit at her head anytime I want to. Ummm... I really don't have much to say because nobody has been voting, why don't you go back and vote for something now, chances are you will be today's only vote and I will have to do as you say. On a lighter note, I made miningco.com's worst of the web this week, I am so proud of myself. You see, I only really do this because I am a small, shallow person desperately seeking some kind of recognition for anything. It all stems back to my being bullied in Junior High, something I will never quite get over... Or it could just be that I am really indecisive and need your help to get me off my ass. I am going to have to update my voting page, I just scanned it really quickly and noticed a few are out of date or redundant now, if you have ideas for things to put up there, feel free to send them to me. I'm not going before I bitch about last night's Dateline though. What the fuck is with these assholes. They ran a story last night about how the Chinese use cat and dog fur for jackets. Then they had a ton of clips of these incredibly sweet, incredibly sad looking dogs and cats being hit by dirty looking Asians. They even had a clip of them killing a dog, skinning him while he was still alive. Who wants to see this shit????? I spent most of the time looking away from the screen waiting for the yelps and mews to stop. Of course there is sick shit in the world today, who doesn't know that? Why focus on something like that? If they want to disturb people why not show them the inside of your typical abattoir (slaughterhouse) or the conditions that factory farmed chickens are raised under? Does anyone know what a veal calf has to endure? There is no need for them to travel to foreign shores to find cruelty and the ugliness of the human soul, there is plenty of it in our own backyards. I figure the only reason they do that is because nobody wants to know that we do it too, it is so easy to point fingers and say, 'look at those horrible Chinese bastards, they kill cats and dogs for fur, how could they!?' It is just a matter of cultural norms. For example, I was raised in England and when I was a little kid one of my favorite things to eat was black pudding or blood sausage as it is commonly called, it consists of congealed pig's blood, fat and some filler stuff in a sausage skin. It is really good stuff, you wouldn't think it was blood if you ate it but I bet half of the people that read this will gag at the thought of something so repulsive. Do you know what they put in hot dogs??? Now that is nasty. Chicken McNuggets are just mashed chicken, every time I have had nuggets from KFC I have found a feather in one of them. Oh wait, you thought that they only used the breast meat, carefully stripping the fat and skin and veins and shit from each piece? Get real, a box of nine of the bastards is less than $2, do you really think it would be cost effective for them to do anything but grind down whole chickens and pop out balls of the mush, batter them and fry them?
Enough of this foul (ha, ha) diatribe, I just bought a box of Willy Wonka's Everlasting Gobstoppers from the vending machine out front and I am happy. This is no time to be griping about the inequities that exist all around us, this is a time to suck a sweet, tart, little ball and smile. The sugar is going straight to my head. Sorry if I have bored the shit out of you with today's ramble but that's what you get for not voting. Check back tomorrow for an updated voting list. I'm going to get back to work now. Thanks for dropping by. Now go and fucking VOTE!
12.15.98 - Nothing at all happened today or yesterday that I feel like writing about. I have already written tomorrow's though, go there instead:) Or,crazy idea I know, you could go and vote for something. Bastards.
12.14.98 - I am elated. On Friday a guy called Jeff wrote a nice e-mail to me and asked that I make a pebble garden for myself. So I did. It is sitting next to me on my desk right now and I have been playing with it all morning. After I finished my Christmas shopping this weekend (I hate Chrismas shopping) I went to the local Menard's, which, sadly, will be closing soon as they are opening a new, big, super-Menard's closer to the mall. Anyway, I got there and the sales staff were awfully kind and helpful. I bought a length of split dowel, a small piece of what I think is oak but looks more like pine, a tiny bag of play sand and some short nails. When I got home I sawed the dowel into the lengths I needed and sanded the ends a little. Then I tacked them around the edges of the small square of wood I had to make a small sandbox type structure. That was pretty much it for the 'construction' of the box. Then I went for a walk, to the alley behind my building. I searched for a while and found some attractive rocks, three of them about the size of large marbles. I took the rocks upstairs and washed them, I live next to a bar so there is a good chance that the pebbles have been puked or pissed on at least once.
I brought the rocks, the sandbox and the small bag of sand to work this morning and got it all set up. I poured the sand into the enclosure and dropped the rocks in just random spots. Since I didn't have the little rake that I would need to do the job right, I spent the next hour or so using my pen to move the sand around. It looks really good now, there are ripples around each of the pebbles and the whole thing is very soothing. I have gotten bored once or twice already today and just stuck my finger in it so I would have to redo that area, I think I am going to like having it here. There is a digital camera somewhere in my office, I am going to find it and take a bunch of pictures of my ass and my pebble garden and post them on this site sometime soon. You will all thank me for it, my pebble garden truly is a treat to behold. So, thank you Jeff, you have made my life that much better and for that I am eternally grateful. I am so happy with what Jeff did I even added a link to his page from my links page, it is the one at the bottom where I ask if you are feeling nauseous.
So how was everyone's weekend? Mine was OK but it could have been better. We had to have Keri's twin sister, Kim, removed from the apartment by the police on Friday night because she was being a shit (this was especially horrible because I generally don't like cops because they have told me off in a most unpleasant manner for doing stupid shit when I was a little younger. My standard opinion is that the people that are supposed to be the guardians of our way of life should need more than a high school diploma and a desire to beat people up to make the force.) Keri took some prescription migraine medicine on Saturday morning to get rid of a hangover headache and it reacted funnily with something and she spent the whole day in bed, except for the fact that every half hour she would run to the bathroom and puke her guts out. On Sunday I had to go to the mall for Christmas shopping, I detest that place, I hate the people that live in this town and I hate being anywhere that requires me to be in close quarters with them. I know that makes me sound like a snob or something but Champaign is a farm town full of inbred freaks that subsist on a diet of grease and pigshit judging by the look and smell of most of them. That was my weekend in a nutshell, it sounds like it sucked but it was actually not that bad. Now I'm back at work though and that sucks. Vote for something NOW!
12.11.98 - Why is it that when I have to write bullshit like this it just flows and I can run on with a stream of consciousness for days, whereas I have been putting out a page an hour max. on my thesis???? Why can't I write faster when I really need to?
Once again, I am pissed off with everybody. You know who you are, the people that visit my site but never vote. I didn't get a single vote yesterday and yet 55 people were here, that's odd. Oh, wait, no it's not, you are all bastards, how could I possibly expect you to expend the effort necessary to click on a hyperlink and type a few words of advice in. Of course not...
Maybe you think, 'Well, he isn't talking to me, how could he be. I'm sure there are tons of other people that visit his wonderful site and provide him with guidance for his empty life.' Well guess what asshole, you're wrong! I am talking to you, I want you to go and vote, right fucking now! Every person that comes here must think the same thing because I just haven't been getting the response I need.
Anyway, enough of my bitching, again. How am I doing? Quite well thanks, apart from the fact that my cat, Kaia, pissed all over the couch and almost me this morning. I was about to leave for work when my girlfriend, Keri, said, 'Marc, grab your cat!' I turned around and sweet little Kaia was squatting on the couch. I picked her up a moment too late and she had already started peeing. I ran with her at arm's length to the bathroom, for most of the way there she was still squirting out a bright yellow stream, all over our hardwood floors. So, I was late for work because I had to stay home and clean the floor and strip the cover off the couch and gag and retch at the smell of cat piss that crept into my nostrils. The good news is that when we did reach the toilet, she perched up there and started peeing again, I guess she had been holding it for a while because she kept going for a good minute almost. When it was time to go home for lunch I had decided I was going to throw the towel in and no matter how cool it would be to have a toilet trained cat, it wasn't worth the stress it was causing me or the animals. When I got home though, Kaia jumped up on the toilet and had a big shit, like a people sized one. I was so proud of her that I thought I would give them a little while longer. Anyway, just a short one today because you people don't deserve more. Go vote. Now!
12.10.98 - Once again I opened my inbox at 5:00 last night only to be disappointed. What is wrong with you people?? I have resigned myself to the fact that nobody is going to vote while it is still a mailto link rather than an anonymous CGI form. Sadly, I don't have time to change any of it before Xmas so it will just have to wait. In the meantime I am not going to do anything on my list and I'm going to bore you all with details of my sad life. Remember - you can change this at any time by voting for something.
So anyway, Frankie pooed in the kitchen again last night, instead of in the toilet where he was supposed to. There are few things as unpleasant as waking up at 6:30 AM (I really get up that early, I have to work,) to clean up cat shit. Kaia has got it down now though and, in my opinion, is ready to move on, i.e. finish. I will be up all night tonight writing a paper so I will work with Frankie. It is just a matter of catching him when he wants to go and putting him on the toilet until he gets the idea, it's not like he enjoys going on the kitchen floor. I feel kind of bad about the whole thing really but like I said before, I have come too far now to go back.
The pre-finals week procrastination has hit, again. I have so much work to do. I elected to take two independent study classes this semester and have somehow managed to put off doing any work for either of them right up until now. It all has to be finished by next week. I have a twenty page research paper for advertising to do and an absolutely massive psych study I have to build a webpage for. The whole thing scares the shit out of me. This is my last semester (again) and if I don't do really well on both of the afore mentioned tasks, I won't graduate. How wrong is it to make me stress like that? I hate my school. My Dean has fucked me in the ass (proverbially of course - she is a woman) twice now. The first time she neglected to notice a required course I was missing, which delayed my graduation. This time (over the Summer) she mis-calculated my GPA and informed me that I needed to pull it up a little to graduate. I was originally scheduled to graduate May of this year. I was in the ceremony and my parents and my brother had flown over from fucking England for the whole thing, only to get here and find out that I wasn't graduating after all. I know most of you are thinking, 'well it's your own fault, you should have noticed those things, dumbass.' Well fuck you, I only learned how to wipe my own ass last week and it is a good day when I don't put on odd shoes. I can't look after myself and my Dean knows me well enough to know that. I was watching 20/20 or 60 Minutes or A Current Affair or another similarly pathetic, pseudo-news show last night (when I should have been writing a paper) and there was a story on it that struck a nerve. It was about these bogus correspondence universities that promise degrees in 27 days and about how they are a big scam and you can just pay them a couple of grand and they will put letters after your name. I think the story was meant to piss people off and make them think, 'well gosh, that just isn't fair, I went to school for four years and worked really hard to get my degree, why should these people have it any differently?!?' My reaction was one of sadness, why hadn't I thought of that? If I had found one of these places five years ago I could have saved myself so much trouble. I mean, college has been fun but I would have much rather taken the cheater's way out. The colleges had real sounding names, Columbia State University and LaSalle were two of them. Nobody was any the wiser and when some shit old reporter with a bad toupee went to employers with the proof that some of their employees had degrees from one of these schools, nobody gave a shit. Speaking of which, how do these people ever get hired. Barbara Walters is a filthy old woman with a bad speech impediment, why do people like her? All of the reporters are old and unattractive and most have apparently serious personality deficiencies. I would like to see more young, attractive people filling these positions. I mean, Andy fucking Rooney, please... If I want to watch some old fart bitch about how much life sucks then there is an old folks home not that far off campus full of miserable geriatrics just looking for someone to vent to. I personally would love to have a national audience for my bitching. My job sucks, I don't get paid enough, people drive like assholes on campus, beer is too expensive in any bar worth going to, it is always either too hot or too cold in my apartment, my cat shits on the kitchen floor, I get headaches sometimes, the hot water tap is all fucked up in my shower, my car is ugly (VW Fox,) I'm gaining weight, I don't get enough sleep, I need new clothes, I need a haircut but am too lazy to go and get one, I hate crowds and have to do my Christmas shopping this weekend, I love having sex but am often too tired by the time I get around to it, I can't get the right days off at Xmas because my boss' room-mate has cancer or something, my office doesn't have a window, or a door, I accidentally took Adobe Photoshop off my computer and can't find the disk to put it back on, my ass is too hairy, and my fingers are cold. Stop whining Marc. OK, sorry, I get carried away sometimes y'know. I have to go and do some work, go back and vote for something, please.
12.9.98 - Disaster struck yesterday. When I got home I found out that Frankie had shit on the floor. I was nice to him about it and he has since had a few pees in the toilet. Poor little guy. I feel kind of bad but so much effort has gone into this whole thing that there is no way I'm stopping now. They are so close.
There is nothing to report today really. Except for the fact that you are all bastards. I have the counters showing people visiting these pages, why are none of you voting. It pisses me off so much! How can I do this without your help? Do you want me to decide on these things for myself? It just wouldn't be the same. The whole point of this page was to garner feedback from people like you. As it is this page is functioning as little more than an online diary of sorts, I would like it to be more than that. So click on the picture below, go back to my page and vote, do it now. If a few of you do it then I will keep this going, if not I will give up and you will have to entertain yourself reading other shit.
12/8/98 - That is a little better. People are starting to vote now. I think I will put a CGI script on my page to make the voting anonymous, do you think that would help? I really didn't want to do that just because I don't have that much experience with CGI stuff and from my limited experience I understand that it is a pain in the ass. The votes were even yesterday, one for a new word, one for peeing my pants, one for eating something new, and again, one for binge drinking. It looks like the idea of someone else peeing their pants has some kind of weird allure because that has by far been the most popular vote. When I put it up I never really thought I would have to do it, looks like I might be wrong. I had originally planned to not do anything for today (if you could see my schedule you would understand) but last night brought a gift. The cats are moving along with their toilet training...
Granted nobody voted for it but it happened so I am going to use it. Yesterday the cats had a breakthrough. They are off litter now. I'm guessing by tomorrow they will both be fully trained, how cool is that. I will have two cats that crap like people do. Not only that but Kaia opens doors and only watches TV when something with a cat in it is on, i.e. Tom and Jerry, nature shows, random cat stuff. And Frankie has an obsessive-compulsive disorder (no joke, the vet said so) which makes him suck people's earlobes. I must have the coolest cats in the world, call Letterman.
...is my life really this sad and empty? Oh shit. Go and vote NOW!! I would like a clear winner at least one day.
12/7/98 - OK, I'm pissed. According to my stats page that I get with Link Exchange, almost 200 people visited this page over the weekend. Two people voted, my brother and my cousin. I'm not asking for much, your opinion, that is all. I mean, seriously, how hard is it to drop a quick e-mail to me??? Worried about anonimity? I don't care who you are, I'm not going to sell your name to some mailing list service... Anyway, vote, I want this to work.
So, my brother voted that I should buy Depends and piss myself. I decided that I wasn't going to do that until more than one person voted for it, so I didn't do it, sorry Dan. My cousin suggested I binge drink. I didn't actually get the vote until this morning but I had complied already. I went out Saturday night and got absolutely bladdered. My normal weekend routine is as follows;
Friday night - Go to a campus bars (normally Clybourne,) drink excessively, make fool of self.
Saturday night - Go to movie, go to off-campus bar (Gypsy) and drink quietly.
It all got messed up this weekend though because I got no sleep Thursday night and ended up passed out at 9:00 PM on Friday night. To make up for missing my regular Friday night I drank especially hard on Saturday. I don't remember much past midnight but I know I stopped to get pizza on the way home and there was no vomit to be found in the morning, so that is a good thing, right? I like drinking, it is good for you, anyone who says differently just hasn't done it hard enough. Anyway, I'm really close to moving away from the college campus that has been my home for almost four years now. When is the next time that I will be in a place where public intoxication is not looked down upon, not even encouraged, it is simply expected? I don't want to become one of those old guys (I feel old already but I'm talking about people over 25 here,) that go to Mardi Gras or spring break places and try to recapture their youth while everyone around them is wondering who brought their Dad down, and all of the sorority girls are like, 'Oh my gawd, that guy is, like, so grody, I think he's looking at us, eeewww.'
Once you get past a certain age it just isn't good to be really drunk. I'm sure everyone remembers at least one holiday where one parent, or both, had too much eggnog and made an absolute ass of themselves. It scares me to think that in a few years (I'm 23) I will fall into that category. So I'm making the most of it while I can, I'll stop when people start to point and laugh.